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Original poster

Sister and BIL clash with DP

39 replies

themuttsnutts · 18/10/2018 23:45

Bit of background, DP and Bil fell out over something fairly small but the undercurrent is they have a different outlook on life with regards to money, parenting, social life etc etc. BiL is and always has been very vocal and opinionated about how we live our lives . However, 99% of the time, it doesn't affect them in the slightest. It will be things like where we go on holiday, whether we buy a new car, which school we send our children to.

Our respective daughters are close friends which is tricky and our mother is local which is also another complication as she has been unwell and needs a lot of care.

Recently, sister asked if I could babysit but I am not around although dp is. She asked if I could ask him but I said he won't be receptive given the current situation and they will need to sort things put and apologise for the things they said. In a nutshell, the problem was he got cross with their daughter but it was something and nothing but bil and sister completely overreacted sayimg dn is not comfortable coming to ours. Dd has asked her as have I and she says it's untrue and concedes her parents can go ott.

For ref, dds are 12 and 14. I have a ds who's 9. Bil in particular has not bonded with ds and is v harsh with him calling him names in his earshot.

Apparently, we need to move on and stop living in the past. I argue it's a pattern and isn't in the past at all. I am finding this v stressful. Dp is incandescent with rage and has been for weeks

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 18/10/2018 23:52

If your sister wants your DP to look after her children she should ask him herself and not put you piggy-in-the-middle. She has ‘moved on’ from the falling out because she needs the childcare. BIL calling your son names in his hearing is completely unacceptable and needs to be addressed.

youbrokemytwatometer · 18/10/2018 23:55

She wants your husband to babysit the daughter who is uncomfortable in his company?

fairypuff · 18/10/2018 23:59

The niece is not uncomfortable in his company, it's the parents who have the issue, if I've read correctly. but now that they are in dire need of childcare they have suddenly forgotten their beef and are making your dh feel guilty? Have I got that right? If so, I'm with your dh. They can bugger off. He's in the right here.

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 19/10/2018 00:04

Well, yes, they are contradicting themselves aren't they? Understandably, dh is digging his heels in

OP posts:
stellabird · 19/10/2018 00:28

Dp is incandescent with rage and has been for weeks

So BIL and sister might like to find another babysitter. I don't think your DP is going to change his mind and why should he. They are users and the "moving on" is their way of saying they want a favour.

Antigon · 19/10/2018 06:09

Being in a rage for weeks is really not normal.

Why was DH cross with DN?

category12 · 19/10/2018 06:41

Your brother in law calls your son names? Why are you tolerating this?

No way. You need to stand up for your son and not spend time with these people if they think it's acceptable to namecall a little boy. Fuck 'em.

Your dp sounds like he's more on the right track than you are.

Villagelifer · 19/10/2018 06:47

Agree with PP. People calling my DCs names would not get a chance to do it again in my house and I certainly wouldn't go to theirs.

Lasagnefordinner · 19/10/2018 06:55

Can you all sit down somewhere neutral and talk it through? Maybe with someone neutral there to facilitate. I think if the issues aren’t sorted now it could lead to a long term falling out.

TheNavigator · 19/10/2018 06:59

Nether side is covering themselves in glory. Your sister says your DP makes her child uncomfortable but want him to babysat and your BIL calls your DS names.

On the other hand your DP 'is incandescent with rage and has been for weeks'. That is pretty scary to me - 'incandescent with rage' is a frighteningly heightened level of emotion for the situation as you describe it.

AlmaGeddon · 19/10/2018 07:10

Did they have a happy relationship growing up?
Sounds like there are past grievances fanning this.

SandyY2K · 19/10/2018 07:57

I think your BIL is the problem here and your sister to a degree.

Firstly the choices you make regarding holidays and schools are none of his business. I'd be having words with my DH if he spoke like that to my sister and BIL.

Secondly, I would not allow my DH to call my nephew names. It would be the end of our marriage. How dare he.

Thirdly, your DP should not be in the equation with regards childcare for your sister's children. I'd only ask my BILS in an emergency situation.

They can't say she's uncomfortable in one breathe, yet ask for childcare. Do they not see the contradiction in this?

I'm sorry, but I think your sister is being quite cheeky under the circumstances.

SandyY2K · 19/10/2018 08:06

Did they have a happy relationship growing up?

Did who have a happy relationship growing up?

The OP and her sister?

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/10/2018 08:09

Just say no to the baby sitting
Sounds like emotions are far too high at the moment
From everyone

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/10/2018 08:26

I don't know how you go about changing it but can see why you're fed up.
Family gatherings must be impossible, your mother must wish your partners got on.
If BIL and DP won't bury the hatchet you'll have years of this.

magoria · 19/10/2018 09:15

Screw that.

You and your families life style is fuck all to do with BIL. I think he is jealous.

Your DP doesn't have to have anything to do with a
nasty person who is a shit to his DS. I would be angry with this BIL for a hell of a lot longer than a few weeks.

Also if DN is uncomfortable around DP why are they wanting him to babysit. It is bullshit they made up that is why but now they need his help.

You and your DP need to stand your ground until BIL does apologise to your DS for being nasty and you and your DP if he was rude to you too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2018 09:19

You all need to grow up and move on. This is part of being a family. Disagreements happen and people have different opinions/approaches to life.

Being incandescent with rage for weeks on end is not normal at all.

subspace · 19/10/2018 09:26

I'd politely, firmly, and with as little drama as possible, remove my family from the situation. If the girls want to see each other of course they can and I'd still encourage that, perhaps I'd give them lifts to and pay for playdates like the cinema or bowling, where it's out of your house on neutral ground and you're the one with them not dh. They're very nearly both old enough to meet up and go to town together for shopping trips etc so it won't be much, for long.

Meanwhile I'd stop trying to fix whatever is broken between the two couples and grey rock them. No invites/acceptances round for lunch/coffee/whatever. No time spent chatting when girls are handed over. Change social media settings so BIL can't snoop if he has been, so he gets as little ammunition as possible, and whatever he does get hold of, grey rock answers, don't rise to it.

Cheekyandfreaky · 19/10/2018 09:27

Even if OP’s dp is ott with the rage, think about how you’d feel if your partners siblings partner was calling your ds names within earshot or not and saying that you make their dd uncomfortable. I don’t think OP’s dp is the problem here. OP, their childcare is their problem, not yours.

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 19/10/2018 10:31

DH got cross with DN for helping herself to food in the kitchen - more because it was constant going backward and forwards into the fridge. He just told her off, that was it. She can also be quite excitable and noisy in the house - you can hear them jumping around upstairs. It is hard work having her for more than a couple of hours, tbh. When other friends come round, they and DD tend to just hang out and chat.

Dp would be quite willing to talk to them if they apologise and I have told them this but they are not forthcoming so I have left the ball in their court.

I have to talk to them regarding the girls and my mum but I tend to keep conversations short and to the point these days.

As for DH's anger, yes, I have told them to have it out with them or forget it - just want to kill it once and for all. I totally understand why he can't come down from this as it is about 20 years of shit. When I say rage, I really mean he talks constantly about how upset and angry he feels. He is not stomping around and throwing things or threatening to kill anyone.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2018 10:34

Dp would be quite willing to talk to them if they apologise and I have told them this but they are not forthcoming

This makes you guys as bad as each other. Can you not see that this is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other?

Just go NC and get on with your lives.

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 19/10/2018 10:37

Actually, no, because we're not the ones making phone calls at 10pm yelling at us nor are we questioning their parenting abilities or life choices constantly.

It is not as simple as NC, wish it were, because there are other people involved and it feels rather like being a divorced parent.

OP posts:
Antigon · 19/10/2018 10:43

So BIL was annoyed that your DH told off a 14 yo for constant trips to the fridge and making too much noise?

I think your DH was right to tell DN off.

What is Bil saying when he yells at you on the phone?

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 19/10/2018 10:45

Saying how appalled he was, talking to us like children, basically.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/10/2018 10:54

20 years of this already! Sad Glad the cousins get on.

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