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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's happened here?

38 replies

sjp101 · 18/10/2018 23:05

My DP started showing a very insecure side when we moved in together about 10 months ago. Not keen on me going to certain places, problem with me seeing certain friends. Not to the point he'd stop me but he let it be known he wasn't happy. At first I just reassured him and carried on but somehow overtime and without noticing, I've really cut myself off from people and barely go out without him anymore.
When I'd suggest doing anything back then, he'd make a big deal about us spending time together and I was confused as we lived together so we naturally were together a lot.

Now that I seem to have lost myself a bit, he could not be less interested. All he wants to do is play his PlayStation and when I mention going out now because I am bored of sitting upstairs alone (the game is downstairs in the living room) he suggests I come down and read my book.

When I now complain about the fact we spend literally zero quality time together (he's on from the minute he gets home to the minute he goes to sleep) he tells me I'm being needy and weird.

I realise some of the responsibly lies with myself here, I shouldn't have got myself in this position where I've lost the confidence to go out and see my friends to please him, but I honestly didn't notice it happening and now I am so shocked I've let it happen.

So whilst I accept some of the blame, has his behaviour been acceptable here or what? I ask as I sit upstairs after another night alone listening to him downstairs speaking to his friends online on the PlayStation.

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 18/10/2018 23:09

Go out. Maybe not tonight but make regular plans with your friends and stick to them.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 18/10/2018 23:10

And no you are clearly not being needy or weird. He has you right where ha wants you now. At home so he doesn’t have to worry about you whist he gets on with his own stuff. Not he recipe for a happy relationship.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/10/2018 23:13

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you need to leave him.

For tonight, go out with your friends, seek to do all the things he manipulated you into abandoning.

He didn’t want intimacy. He just wanted to crush you and flatten the you out of you. Don’t settle for that shit.

WasFatNowThin · 18/10/2018 23:16

Are you me? I always thought I was a strong person, but my man is doing the same to me.

Stillme1 · 18/10/2018 23:26

I would not like to be "alone" while DP is in the house. It is so much more lonely than actually being alone. I know I sound ancient by saying these PlayStations and similar are causing a lot of problems. I would not be happy with this at all.
Could you reconnect with old friends or meet up with workmates in the evening? I think you have to take some action and this will depend on whether the house is yours or his or joint house. What about family would they help you?

Original poster
sjp101 · 18/10/2018 23:31

He used to be so nice to me, everyone thought he was the perfect man and now my friends don't like him as they've seen how he now speaks to me and I'm just so shocked I've let it get this bad. How could I have been so blind. It's actually embarrassing.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/10/2018 23:43

Dont be embarrassed, these men count on that.

Get in touch with your friends and arrange a night out. Tell them what's been going on and that you need their help.

Then invite them round.

Then when you're securely bolsterd you will see naturally what happens next.

sjp101 · 18/10/2018 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/10/2018 23:59

So he owes you money, stops you seeing friends, speaks nastily to you, ignores you while he plays stupid games. He is not a good guy..at all. Can you go to your family? Try to find a way out of this relationship.

Spudina · 19/10/2018 00:08

Congrats OP on the pregnancy. You are going to be a great Mum. I think you actually know that this relationship cannot continue. Meet up with your friends and start getting your confidence back. Do you have family who can help? I'm sure others will be along with practical advice.

Gemini69 · 19/10/2018 00:14

Oh OP... please get this man out of your life Flowers

whatsthestory123 · 19/10/2018 00:27

Why plan a pregnancy with him,surely you could of done better

penisbeakers · 19/10/2018 00:31

That's not love: non physical relationship violence.

Read that.

penisbeakers · 19/10/2018 00:31

@whatsthestory123 really bloody unhelpful there. 😒

whatsthestory123 · 19/10/2018 00:39

Sorry but why decide to have a baby with someone that treats you bad,serious ??it wasnt an accident and im guessing op has no intention of leaving even though its ptobably going to get worse

mogratpineapple · 19/10/2018 00:46

Classic signs of domestic abuse, isolates you from friends and then ignores you, belittles and undermines you. Don't feel bad for letting this happen to you, but take action now, re-establish your boundaries of self-respect and your own needs. If unlikely to happen, leave.

My daughter has just ended a relationship exactly like this. He even went moody when I visited. She's having counselling now.

penisbeakers · 19/10/2018 00:46

@whatsthestory123 because it's never as cut and dry as that and relationships like that are hard and not easily walked away from. Have a little compassion.

Kayyyyyy · 19/10/2018 00:47

Awww Congratulations OP. It’s the best feeling having a baby.

Try get your money out of him first if that’s gonna have a impact on you later on. Tell him you need the security that the money is there for when you need it while on maternity and he should start repaying what he owes you.
In the meantime make plans with your friends and just tell him without being moody or anything that you’re going out. Coz if you get moody he’ll have a reason to flip it on you and make you feel bad again for going out. Ignore him and try do things that make you happy. See if that changes anything.

Cawfee · 19/10/2018 02:43

I could have written exactly this 10 years ago. I didn’t leave and now here I am stuck. Completely destroyed and unsure what move to make next. Get out now.

NotTheFordType · 19/10/2018 03:50

Wait what? What pregnancy?

Jesus Christ I really hope you're not pregnant to this feckless wanker.

Shadow1234 · 19/10/2018 04:31

Im confused? Where did it say about pregnancy??

Monty27 · 19/10/2018 04:41

Run
Run for the hills Shock

NotANotMan · 19/10/2018 04:47

I imagine in the post OP has withdrawn

OP he sounds awful. Single parenthood is very difficult but easier than raising a child in a terrible relationship,

Monty27 · 19/10/2018 06:03

Get yourself back OP. Without him.
Enjoy all the good you have in your life. He is not good.

Ohyesiam · 19/10/2018 06:58

No neediness or weirdness on your part. Yes it’s unacceptable that he dislikes you having contact with friends, then withdraws.
It is hard not to lose your identity in a relationship when you are young, start going out regularly again and build up your life and confidence.
He needs to hear that his gaming addiction is dull and unacceptable for you.
Hope it works out well op.

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