repair post-affair

[TranmereRover]

I'm trying to make a go of things following a year long affair my husband had with someone he met through work (but is no longer seeing).
There's a fundamental issue bothering me despite his efforts to get back on track, and it's his family.
When it all came to light, his sister sent him an email which I read, essentially giving him a bullet point list of what to do including leaving immediately, taking all financial paperwork (including joint) with him, never being alone in a room with me (wtf??) and, very pointedly, not at any point referring to our children. It was a over-dramatic response which has caused maximum hurt to me - her clear intention to ensure his financial position was kept from me without at any point caring for her nieces / nephew. She is aware I've read it, but I've had not a word of contact from her directly (this was four months ago).
His mother sent me a letter about six weeks down the line when I was still in maximum emotional overdrive. It was a shit letter which basically told me how she felt - every sentence begins with "I" and she didn't ask after me or her grandchildren. She has at least started sending letters to the kids occasionally.
His father (they're divorced) has been entirely incommunicado. Not a squeak. Not a card to his grandchildren even.

Husband says they're too "scared" of me to get in touch. I have made it clear that there's a difference between scared and embarrassed, which frankly they should be. He maintains that it will be a real problem going forward if his sister is not welcome in our home / lives. My view is that he caused the chaos, he can fucking solve it and I've made enough compromises by giving him another go. I do not intend to do the same for his family.

That's the long version of a short question which is - what's "normal" with families in this situation? they know what he's done and they've shown fuckall support for me or the kids. But they are his family, as rotten as they are to me. It will be ridiculous if it's not him but his family who ultimately end us.

You've done nothing wrong, so this ...

My view is that he caused the chaos, he can fucking solve it and I've made enough compromises by giving him another go. I do not intend to do the same for his family.

... is absolutely correct. I'll respond with more later - I'm just on my way out.

When this happens they always side with family OP, it's shit and it's horrible but they will always back him; you are not their family really; he's probably slagged you to high heavens to them when it was all going off, hence the sister trying to help him.

I do agree however that their attitude towards you is really not nice at all, again, they must have a pretty low opinion of you, probably encouraged by your husband, how you forgive a year long affair that no doubt everyone knew about is beyond my capability, sorry but just think about the crap he has caused you, and it would not be his family that ends you, it would be entirely him, they are just an extension.

I'd be telling him to fuck off with you playing nice with them, I'd not have them in my home tbh, not for the foreseeable anyway, your husband saying this could potentially be a problem is him basically saying he's choosing them over, you, nice.

Adora, that's exactly how I see it. I've discussed the critical importance of loyalty as part of all this, and the way he talks about his family suggests that his loyalty will always be to them and not me and the children. Agreed, he has definitely justified his behaviour by telling them how awful I am (has done the same to friends too) - he's embarrassed at what he's done, sister is presumably (ought to be) embarrassed at what her advice was.
Thing is, what's the solution? never being in the same room as them? or does it mean that despite how he is with me, it really needs to end because they're more important to him?

He's stuck in the middle but put himself there when he decided to rip his family apart, affairs have consequences for everyone.

Really don't understand how a man who has an affair for a year can turn around and say his loyalty is to his family and not his wife and kid; that would probably be the icing on the cake for me to say cheerio pal.

He's not that embarrassed, embarrassed for a year, nah.

Solution is what I said, he either backs you up or it is indeed over.

Surely if he really is committed to your marriage and regaining your trust and regard he would be all over this. He would be taking responsibility for what he did and making it clear to his family that he had run you down to them and in his own mind so that he could justify his deceit and betrayal.

He would also be telling them that he was disappointed with them for the lack of care & concern they showed for his children.

If he's not doing any of this I would be questioning if he really is as committed to making this marriage work as you are. And if he isn't then you're flogging a dead horse.

I'm in a sort of similar situation OP. I don't think DH ran me down exactly but MIL blanked me (despite the fact I had made a very specific and necessary request if her) and made my life more difficult when it was already falling apart because of her son's actions.
If we do reconcile, I plan not to see her at all. I will not be hosting and DH can take kids to see them without me.
Really it's been DH who's been the total shit but I will deal with his behaviour separately.
I do think it's possible.

@spritesobright interested to hear how you get on; let me know. Tonight I've sent my brother the email DH's sister sent him; my brother is gobsmacked, and really annoyed he has already apologised for verbally tearing husband to shreds over this (several times)

I think you decide to stay with such a cock-womble, you have to suck up the consequences tbh

I really don’t think you can blame the sister. If he asked her for help in getting what he should do next, which I presume he did, then that’s exactly what she did. I would imagine she didn’t mention the kids as she probably thought he had made up his mind to leave and she was dealing with financial practicalities.
I doubt very much that her email was totally unsolicited.

So you’ve got a dh, who not that long ago ran you down to others and said he didn’t want to be with you, and now he’s backtracked. Perhaps think hard about why he has backtracked.
I imagine his family feel awkward and embarrassed, they were on their son/brothers side and now he’s changed his mind, putting them in a very difficult situation.

I fear you’re placing too much blame in the wrong direction.

Thanks Holding - and I do absolutely appreciate that the blame lies with him; it doesn't alter the fact however that I don't feel that I'm the one that should be fixing it and offering them an olive branch. Nobody's "scared" (or mroe likely embarrassed) for any reason than he's put us in our respective positions. They are however pathetic grandparents / aunt for washing their hands of the children so easily and I do blame them for that. (yes clearly I'm slinging blame in every direction but my own. And yup, that is how I see this situation)

He maintains that it will be a real problem going forward if his sister is not welcome in our home / lives.
Answer any comment like this with "It's a problem you've caused, you need to clear it up" - but at the same time, how do you want him to clear it up? Do you want an apology from his family? If so, that's something to negotiate with: say that you will agree to X number of visits a year if they apologise for treating a victim like a perpetrator.

Logically, refusing their visits entirely makes little sense. How is the odd visit from his family something you won't agree to at all, when you've agreed to him being there all the time? Whatever he had to do to get the privilege of staying with you, if they do the same, then they can visit, right?

I totally agree it’s his mess to clear up. And I don’t see why you should be taking on any blame yourself at all.
I think all you can do is tell him you expect him to sort it out, but as you have decided to continue life with him even though he’s badly hurt you, I think you should consider doing that with his family. It will be hard, but if you’re all going to move on from this that’s what you’ll have to do.

His family haven't done that much wrong though have they? He slagged you off, said he was leaving, and they advised him accordingly. Presumably they weren't told of the affair.

This is the price you pay for taking a cheater back, the toe curling awkwardness of people knowing personal stuff you'd rather they didn't, and having to bash on regardless. This is part of the package of taking him back. If you can look past what he did, the family are very much a side issue.

He maintains that it will be a real problem going forward if his sister is not welcome in our home / lives
I would solve this PROBLEM by telling him to fuck off.
But that's me.
What do you want?
Do you want to see them?
Do you want to host them in your home?
If not then say so.
It's up to your DH how HE handles it if you (quite rightly) don't want anything to do with them anymore.
He can chose.

Neither him or his family sound particularly nice in all honesty. They have also probably lost a lot of respect for you also for taking him back despite his year long double-life, as unfair as that might sound. It is hard to how any of this can end well. He will be at it again within 18 months, I would put my house on it. He knows the consequences now - or, rather, lack of.

Do not back down. This problem is of his making, You owe them nothing as they have made it very clear where they stood/stand.

solve this problem by getting copies of all his paperwork.

That way when he picks his mother and sister over you and your DC you know exactly what he knows in his paperwork.

How can you hope to repair your relationship when he is saying the problem with his family is your fault rather than looking in the mirror.

It will eat away at you.

I agree with Holding.

The sister’s email whilst unpleasant and hurtful to read but is just her advice to him on what to do practically. Its not particularly good advice IMO but it’s similar to that trotted out here. It may be based on what he told her, painting you in a bad light, and her own experience of a breakup. Most likely she got told by somebody that it’s what you should do by somebody with a bad experience of divorce.

TBF She never intended that you should read it. She is right that he needed paperwork, but that could be copies not originals. If you were arguing badly, then perhaps it was better for you both not to be alone.

Your husband should not have acted the way he did. He shouldn’t have had an affair, he shouldn’t have lied and he shouldn’t have bad mouthed you to family and friends. He needs to put all this right not his family.

I think his sisters intervention was ill advised but forgivable. Also at the time you were splitting up or separated, his family should have spoken to him about the welfare of his children not you. It would have been wrong to put that role on you. I don’t think this was wrong of them.

Your husband’s actions are the problem. His family could have acted better but it is forgivable as long as they accept you were right to react to his infidelity the way you did. I would suggest that you get this acknowledgement and then rebuild a low key and low contact relationship. But people are right his family will always be on his side. Just like yours. If that isn’t acceptable then you should both agree not to involve them in the future.

I've made enough compromises by giving him another go.

This doesn't sound like taking him back is making you happy. Why have you taken him back?

I don't get why you'd expect his Dad to send a card to your DC, either? Do Hallmark do a, "Sorry your Dad's a twat, he must get it from me!" range?

Did you consider leaving? What didn't you like about that idea?

I didn't consider leaving, I considered throwing him out and he did leave for a bit (all of five nights in total). But I also think that much of the knee jerk LTB on here is advice easily given and I didn't want to make an irrevocable decision quickly. I consider that I still have the choice to call it a day but it's not a decision I wanted to make in the heat of an emotional moment.
I expected his dad to maintain some form of contact with his grandchildren over four months, whether that's a phonecall or a card - my mum sends them cards with pictures of eg cats on them just for the hell of it, not with a Hallmark "sorry your dad's a dick" message, but because they like getting post. If he's not going to show up, then calling or writing would seem like a reasonable way to make a tiny effort to demonstrate to them (not me) that he cares about THEM. That's what I expect from decent grandparents - putting some effort into their grandchildren when they can be pretty sure that they're having an odd time at best. I'm pissed off with them for being such atrocious grandparents.

@LemonTT's note is helpful, as is Holding's however where my own brother demonstrated extremely vocal support for me, he has at least had the decency to put a call in and apologise for yelling at husband.

Ultimately, everyone is correct in that they are responding to what they've been told and I know they've been told a sanitised version of what he did (ie he told his dad he'd "met someone", not that he'd met her and then spent 9 months having an intensely romantic affair in five star hotels around the place with someone mindnumbingly stupid to have an affair with) but that doesn't excuse ignoring my kids and it doesn't mean I have to welcome them with open arms

Have either of your in-laws experienced anything similar? It's hard to imagine quite what an impact it has until you've experienced it yourself.

Your brother sounds like a very nice person (considering your patience it evidently runs in the family); their reaction must be disappointing, even without the anger you already feel for their son, but I'm afraid it's probably not unusual. Having said that, I wasn't even massively keen on my in-laws, but they were very decent to me. Makes all the difference.

Tbh in your position what would annoy me most is your husband's minimising of the situation, and again trying to pass the blame onto you. Do you think it is more him defending his family against your criticism, or him still not being really on your side? Whichever, he's going to really have to put more effort in, isn't he, if he does want to stay with you ? Does he not get it? Or is he still uncertain?

I think you are directing the anger you internally feel at him at your in laws

Jesus, his consequence was five nights out his home; how will he learn anything from that OP, that was exactly the time to keep him gone, when you were in an emotional state and him to actually feel the aftermath of his actions.

Totally get how you are pissed off with his parents, they have treated your kids badly, no idea why, other than them, and your OH sound positively unpleasant full stop.

Raven, yes all three of them have. Father cheated on mother and was then comprehensively cheated on by the woman he left the mother for. Sister divorced because her husband was cheating with SEVEN women simultaneously (where did he get the energy). That's partly why I thought there might be some shred of understanding. But put like that also probably exactly why he cheats.

Perhaps they have slightly normalised his behaviour.
No one can tell you wether to stay or not. That’s your choice no one else’s. Not even his. But he does need to sort this mess out.
To be fair, they sound like a damaged bunch of people.

And try to remember that they probably don’t feel the same way about your kids as your mum or brother or even how you would like them to. But that’s pretty standard without an affair thrown into the mix.
Lower your expectations, and just try and get on with them. You’re expectations of your DH have been lowered, I’m sure. You’ll just have to give them a break and realise that in life almost everyone does not live up to what you want them to be.

The advice about not being alone with you stems from some women...usually cheating wives who make false allegations of violence towards them.

I understand your disappointment...but much of this is down to your H. If you can get back with the man who vowed fidelity and cheated on you for 365 days...would no doubt have been more if you didnt find out, then you should try and have a cordial relationship with his sister.

Do you know that he told them he was cheating for a year before getting that advice? If they knew I'd be very disappointed and if it was my SIL, I'd feel the need to ask why she couldn't even show support.

If my brother did this I'd contacting my SIL and showing support and apologising for the hurt my brother has caused...but that's me.

Did you have a good relationship with them before this?