repair post-affair

[TranmereRover]

I'm trying to make a go of things following a year long affair my husband had with someone he met through work (but is no longer seeing).
There's a fundamental issue bothering me despite his efforts to get back on track, and it's his family.
When it all came to light, his sister sent him an email which I read, essentially giving him a bullet point list of what to do including leaving immediately, taking all financial paperwork (including joint) with him, never being alone in a room with me (wtf??) and, very pointedly, not at any point referring to our children. It was a over-dramatic response which has caused maximum hurt to me - her clear intention to ensure his financial position was kept from me without at any point caring for her nieces / nephew. She is aware I've read it, but I've had not a word of contact from her directly (this was four months ago).
His mother sent me a letter about six weeks down the line when I was still in maximum emotional overdrive. It was a shit letter which basically told me how she felt - every sentence begins with "I" and she didn't ask after me or her grandchildren. She has at least started sending letters to the kids occasionally.
His father (they're divorced) has been entirely incommunicado. Not a squeak. Not a card to his grandchildren even.

Husband says they're too "scared" of me to get in touch. I have made it clear that there's a difference between scared and embarrassed, which frankly they should be. He maintains that it will be a real problem going forward if his sister is not welcome in our home / lives. My view is that he caused the chaos, he can fucking solve it and I've made enough compromises by giving him another go. I do not intend to do the same for his family.

That's the long version of a short question which is - what's "normal" with families in this situation? they know what he's done and they've shown fuckall support for me or the kids. But they are his family, as rotten as they are to me. It will be ridiculous if it's not him but his family who ultimately end us.

Wow, sounds like cheating is so normal in that family that they don't see it as such a big deal! Or maybe they are all acting weirdly because it's stirred up the nasty feelings from their experience.

This is all only a few months ago, right? Your husband is being unreasonable expecting things to all be well so quickly. It took me a good couple of years to even calm down. Are you having counselling? It really sounds to me like he is still living in that pretend world cheats live in, where their wife would supposedly not be that bothered if she found out.

OP

I think it is your decision to stay in the marriage but be mindful that his attitude and that of his family about what that means is different to yours.

To make you marriage work you will both need some distance from his family and some time to reconnect and trust. Then you can start to rebuild the wider relationships. It doesn't mean you have to ban members of his family just get him to explain that you need some space and distance. He can tell them that you appreciate cards and their interest in the children but for the time being won't be doing regular family get togethers. I think that will allow you the time to evaluate the relationships, with him and them, perhaps when you are less angry. He doesn't have to give up his family permanently you don't have to forgive them right now. Or him...

As to him, from what you have said about his family he has normalised infidelity. Unfortunately it doesn't just wreck families it is a pattern that is often repeated by the children who grow up with it. I think you need to get some counselling individually and together so you can come to terms with his cheating and betrayal. He needs to know and accept that this behaviour is very wrong and damaging. It still doesn't sound like he is owning the behaviour and damage.

The other issue is his reaction to being caught, to blame you and cause all this discontent with his verbal outrage at being caught out. He needs to know that is damaging to all, even if his family love the drama. It's not good for your children or you to have all this played out to all and sundry. He needs to know this. Again he needs to own his failure and betrayal. Not blame you to his family

Finally, you have learnt something here. At the first hint of separation he will lawyer up before you can say Perry Mason. And, you won't get any support from the Swiss Family Rubitin. Remember that

I think you want him to really know and understand what he has done. Then to tell his family the truth and to own his failure and betrayal.

Hi Op, I was in the same situation exactly, my OH had an affair I found out and left with the kids. When I contacted his sister Dad and Mum they knew nothing of his betrayal and everything was me being an awful partner. This was after 20 years together. Once I informed them they were so embarrassed and conflicted they just shut down all contacts with me. When we got back together his family were ridiculously apprehensive to see me, they wouldn't talk about it but I wanted to, I made sure I spoke to each one individually and cleared the air, not to let him off the hook but because I wanted to put my side across and let them know the real reason I walked out with the kids. Five years later we go on holiday together, meet up for birthdays and they have told me they didn't have a clue what was happening when we split because OH kept the truth from them. I agree, you have to stand up for yourself, tell the family the truth and the cheating partner has to own responsibility and back you up. Mine did and it went a long way to reconciling with him.

Ladies you’ve been more helpful with perspective on this than hours of counselling, and I’m relieved to hear Raven say that it’s not abnormal that I’m still angry/ obsessed 4 months down the line (obviously he thinks I should be over it, having had the best part of a year longer to process everything). Thanks all

Of course he thinks you should be over it. He's had his fun. And now he's ready to get back to his marriage it would be lovely for him if you could hurry up and get over it, ta very much.

EXCEPT
Hang on. He doesn't get to decide if and when you get over it. Only you get to make that decision.

What exactly is he doing to rebuild the broken trust?

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Trust%3Famp%3D1&ved=2ahUKEwiAj_rWipfeAhUpB8AKHRiFAo4QFjAOegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1DpYZnRLEL4sUZAiN-HEqE&ampcf=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Trust%3Famp%3D1&ved=2ahUKEwiAj_rWipfeAhUpB8AKHRiFAo4QFjAOegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1DpYZnRLEL4sUZAiN-HEqE&ampcf=1

OP, you said don't want to leave him, but he has shown little so far in trying to get your trust back. Plus, the sister emailing him about the paperwork is something she would know from her own divorce.

This relationship is still quite unstable and it would be wise for you to have a plan B in case your husband decides to put an end to it. Make sure you have copies of the paperwork and know what to do if he decides he wants out after all, or if you decide you do.