Ended my sexless marriage.

[PeanutButter1]

Hi all.
I feel very upset and weird and a lot of this is my fault. But I really need to lay down the facts. Worried I’m going mad.

I was married for 10 years. He was kind and nice and safe. What I needed at the time after a horrible relationship and some tough times. We had good times but we never ever had a good sex life. I sort of just accepted it, maybe shut down that part of myself and tried to make the best of it.

Had a baby in 2013 (we made the effort to have sex to conceive.) I guess subconsciously I thought ‘this is what married people do.

Had a traumatic birth, 4th degree tear, body was a mess. Had PTSD. My husband is nice but possibly slightly autistic (I don’t say that flippantly.) He was in denial and couldn’t face my trauma or depression.

Needless to say after the birth, we never had sex again. Kept chugging along, hoping something would change. My self-esteem was in tatters. He began to repulse me. We lost all emotional intimacy. Never talked. Just amiable and practical stuff I guess. I did most of the childcare and he zoned out. When he came home he’d be on his phone all night. I too started to connect with people online. Made pals, found my tribe - back when Twitter was fun. People who ‘got’ me.

It all started to fall apart. I had started counselling to address my PTSD (and in the back of my minD, my unhappy marriage.) The more honest I was in therapy, the more things unravelled and I realised I didn’t reallt love my husband properly. I never wanted to have sex with him again. This was a horrendous thing to face. As I say, he’s a nice and kind man on the surface, but I could never get beneath the surface. We’d made a little go a long way.

He refused to see it. I begged for marriage counselling. He eventually agreed, but even then he couldn’t see it. I think the counsellor was baffled by us and how bad our communication was.

The penny dropped for him eventually and he blamed me completely. Claimed he’d been blindsided and I never wanted to try to save the marriage (weird because I was the one who suggested therapy, who was doing the painful digging.)

He never said he loved me and would try. He gave up straight away. Just resigned himself to us being over. I became an ice queen and shut down completely.

Through this all we’ve somehow kept generally civil and decent for the sake of our son.

Here’s where it gets worse.
I developed an online attachment to a man. He is married. Over the course of two years it has gone from little messages to twice meeting up and having sex.

On one hand, it was amazing and revolutionary to be loved and touched. To have someone express any desire for me. To have someone write positive words about my body which I hated, which hadn’t been touched or kissed in so long.

On the other, I know it is wrong and I am currently facing the fact I must end it as it is harmful and will go nowhere.

I’m just feeling so despairing. Did I throw my marriage away because I got some attention online? I sort of know I didn’t, but still.

Has anyone managed to stick out a sexless marriage?

My ex moved out a year ago but I half suspect if I suggested we get back together he would say ‘ok then’ for practical reasons (he is entirely passionless and has never asked to reconcile or seemed heartbroken or anything.)

Thanks for listening. I feel so low, so lonely. So stupid. So lost.

I stuck out a sexless marriage - to be fair, so did my XH - for 8-10 years (it had been OK-ish before then). Last child flew the nest, we split up, not completely painlessly but not horrendously by any means. I waited for three more years then started seeing people, having sex. OMG I finally get why sex is so important, now that it is good, full of passion and fun!

Do I regret sticking with the sexless marriage for so long? My heart and body do, my head doesn't - it was the right thing to do for the children and my own self-respect.

It sounds like your marriage went wrong much earlier than mine, and you would have had to stick it out for much longer. So no, you did the right thing. Absolutely the right thing. Onwards and upwards OP.

On wards and upward op.

Thank you xx that’s made me feel some relief. There’s a lot of stuff I totally take responsibility for. I should have tried harder, should have noticed the warning signs earlier. Shouldn’t have married him in the first place. It was low self-esteem, I think. We both thought ‘we get on well, let’s have a go.’

You've been having an affair. You're clearly not committed to working on your marriage. What's the point in therapy when you're getting your kicks elsewhere?

There's lots of blame towards your husband, and that may well be justified. But you need to look at yourself here too.

Totally. The emotional affair was a bit of attention that really woke me up and reminded me about what I wanted from my relationship. But I think it was too late. Five years of not being touched takes its toll.

Not excusing it but I didn’t have any physical contact with anyone else while I was together with my husband. We have been separated for a year. Have only v recently had the affair. But yes, not denying my wrongdoing here.

I'd say don't look backwards.. move forward build yourself a new life & find some happiness within yourself & then in a healthy relationship.. life's too short to be unhappy 

The affair has been interesting because I have felt passion and excitement and lust... and pain and heartache and sadness. A lot of emotion I should have felt with the dissolution of my marriage. Almost like referred emotion. Maybe it’s dsitracted me from properly grieving? And now I am deciding to end it, I have to face up to the very real pain and loneliness instead?

A lot of my life is good. My ex is a decent guy and both he and I are committed to our son. I have friends. I will work my arse off to support my boy. I have my health. I must try and be positive and thankful. But today I am crying and crying and crying.

Sounds like you have been separated for a year from a man who wanted zero intimacy with you. I don't know who would hold an affair against you in those circumstances, your H had left the marital home.

Please don't let him back. You know he doesn't love you, you're the least difficult option for him so he can pretend all is fine to the world.

Another 30-40 years of this life will turn you into a shell.

It’s like you know him, ha. My ex cared about the house and what other people would say. I think anyone could play the role of ‘the wife’ for him. Maybe that’s unfair. We were ‘mates’. But I remember really early on in our relationship him not wanting sex. He said in couples therapy ‘I always thought I should fancy her more than I do.”

You've tried your very best to make it work. It's not just about sex but everything else. You've split and now you're free to find someone available. Try online dating?

Hi OP, I am currently divorcing my DH for exactly the same reasons. My DD is 8, and I can't bear the idea of her never seeing what a loving, intimate relationship looks like.

Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it is the glue that holds a couple together.

I too met someone online who was inappropriate. It just made me realise that I was very unhappy and lacking intimacy in my marriage. Once I had tasted intimacy elsewhere, I remembered how much I needed it, and would rather be single than be without it.

My DH has admitted that he doesn't view me in a sexual way anymore. But, much like yours, was happy to keep up the pretence rather than make changes.

Once it has gone, it has gone. The hardest part was deciding to divorce. The relief after was amazing.

Good luck whatever you decide. But you arent a bad person for having the basic human need for closeness, intimacy and sex.

In among the good days, the days where you know you made the only correct, logical decision for you and your child, days when you feel at peace with your new life and are free from the stress and indecision and the hurt of feeling rejected, the days when you feel acceptance that this is just the way it turned out, there are also bound to be tough moments where you just feel emotional and tearful.
The story of your marriage and how you felt are very sad. I can identify with a lot of it. There is life on the other side.

PS, is the man you are seeing online making you feel lower? Sort of....you have tasted intimacy and being wanted and yet you can't have him?

That sounds really lonely. Maybe the relationship with him has served its purpose - to show you what you want and need - but now it isn't working for you anymore?

Just a thought.

Oh, and I married EXACTLY the same type of man for the exact same reasons. It would be easier to make decisions if they weren't nice men. But niceness wasn't enough for me. Not in the end. I too should never have married him.

Thanks all. These messages have helped me so much. It is a swamp sometimes. And yes, the ‘nice’ thing can make it so hard. There were points last year where I wished he’d hit me, or wished I could disappear to make the awful, stagnant, heavy dread go away. Thank you for reminding me. And thank you for telling me it’s ok to pursue happiness. Fingers crossed. And good luck to others in the same boat xxx

Peanut....it is more than ok to pursue happiness. What would you rather your kids did if they were in your situation?

I know the niceness is a kicker. Until I realised that DH being married to me, with no interest in intimacy or sex, and a reluctance to discuss it or change, was actually pretty cruel. Its a benign cruelty that made me feel like shit for a long time. Except, because they are "nice" it doesn't feel appropriate to rage at them.

Grab your freedom, lovely. Worst case scenario is that in five years you realise you still want him......well, nothing is permanent. You could always get back together then. But right now, if you were meant to be together, you wouldn't currently want to be apart from him. If that makes sense?

Being starved of intimacy is heartbreaking, damaging and cruel. The autism thing .ay explain why these men act this way, but knowing that doesn't invalidate your needs. Its ok to want your needs to be met. Niceness and suspected autistic traits don't mean you are doing the wrong thing for you.

Anyway, I shall stop as I am probably projecting a bit. It just struck me how similar our situations are. If you want to chat, feel free to PM me.

I'm in a sexless marriage as well, @PeanutButter1 but, in my case, it's me who has pushed my DH away. Not because I don't fancy him at all, but because I suffer from complex PTSD as a result of childhood SA and sex is just too triggering.

I do sometimes say to him that he would be better off with someone else, because I don't feel that it's fair on him. (I'm also infertile, our 2 DDs are adopted, and I used to think that he might actually want biological DC, as he doesn't have fertility issues himself.)

Sorry, posted too soon. My DH is accepting of the situation, probably helped by the fact that sex probably wouldn't be happening anyway, as we're having a lot of behavioural issues with DD1 (9). And also, DD2 (6) regularly comes into our room at night because she's having nightmares.

We're too knackered to even discuss the issue. But it's the elephant in the room, and I don't think we can go on like this indefinitely. I have spoken to DH about sex therapy, but we're both not in the headspace to be able to face it.

Sometimes I wonder if he even wants sex at all, it's been over 5 years without it now. We're more like best friends than husband and wife.

I wouldn't blame my DH if he did say that he couldn't live like this.

No you don't go back to the ex. H s sage and would be comfortable because you no him but no! You went through that for a reason and having this affair because you want the intimacy. So no to that.
Second, yes you need to lea e the married man. It's sex, he's got a family he's not going to leave and is obviously a great liar. Leopards don't change their spots. He will find another trust me.
You need to go focus on YOU! Go dating and find someone who is single and emotionally available to focus on a relationship. Have some standards and don't take any less.

@tetleysurpassesyorkshiretea
I can’t belive how similar are situations are. It’s a very shady area and it’s comforting (if sad) to hear you say how damaging it it. I cannot lay all the blame at his door, of course. That’s what these dark sad days are about. Wondering what else I could have done to fix it. But he was totally incapable of change. I know that. And it sounds mad but it’s little things that remind me why I can’t go back. At the risk of TMI, I remember that when we did have sex he would never look me in the eye, for example. Or we’d never, in the early days, stay up all night just talking rubbish.
But we did kind of buddy around, watching box sets, making stupid jokes. We patented each other. I was 25 and my dad had recently died - finding someone soft and kind and steady was just the ticket. These are the things I find uncomfortable. It would be easy if I could paint our relationship as 100% bad, so I had to end it. But it still wasn’t enough. The guilt eats me up.

@lizzie48 thank you for posting and I’m so sorry to read about your situation. I just wondered if you’ve tried solo therapy yourself first? You sound like you have loads on and maybe couples therapy would be too much right now? But you deserve to look after yourself and maybe some counselling would be useful? Big hug.

@butterfly44 You’re right. I know. He’s been a ‘safe’ option for me because he’s mainly just online, someone to message ‘goodnight’ to etc. I know it needs to end. It’s a messed up situation I got myself in, which I promise I wasn’t looking for (it started as chumminess and chatting about other mutual interests.)

I’ve tried the dating apps and they terrify me! I also don’t have loads of time as I work a lot when I’m not looking after my boy. But I will try again. It’s such a big scary dating world out there. Though we were married 10, we were actually together around 14 years... so I’m 39 not 25, with a haggard tired mum body! Hahah x

"Sounds like you have been separated for a year from a man who wanted zero intimacy with you. I don't know who would hold an affair against you in those circumstances,"

Er the wife of the man you were having the affair with maybe ?
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Why would you suggest getting back together, to go back to loneliness and a man who won't even touch you, there is actually no point.

No you shouldn't have started up an affair and I hate folk who do but is your case I can kinda see how you would; how do you know he's not been getting kicks elsewhere, it works both ways.

Move on from them both I would suggest and find yourself then maybe look for a real relationship cos neither of them sound much cop to me.

I agonise about going back to my husband/did I do the right thing because he didn’t hit me, wasn’t mean or bad, and in many ways our live was ‘easy’ and comfortable. I have huge guilt that I didn’t make it work.

Re: the online affair, I have never said it was right or sought to defend it. I’ve never been part of anything like it before and now it’s wrong. But an uncomfortable truth is that the connection made me feel alive again and gave me some of the strength to see that there is more out there. That’s not an excuse, but it is the truth.

PS my ex has been dating people, that’s fine. I knew he would. He won’t be alone for long.

Thanks all for listening x

You must be able to see surely that the marriage was so dysfunctional it lead to this affair, going back to ex would just be repeating the same pattern again; and just cos he never hit you or was abusive is not a reason to stay with anyone!