Hi all.
I feel very upset and weird and a lot of this is my fault. But I really need to lay down the facts. Worried I’m going mad.
I was married for 10 years. He was kind and nice and safe. What I needed at the time after a horrible relationship and some tough times. We had good times but we never ever had a good sex life. I sort of just accepted it, maybe shut down that part of myself and tried to make the best of it.
Had a baby in 2013 (we made the effort to have sex to conceive.) I guess subconsciously I thought ‘this is what married people do.
Had a traumatic birth, 4th degree tear, body was a mess. Had PTSD. My husband is nice but possibly slightly autistic (I don’t say that flippantly.) He was in denial and couldn’t face my trauma or depression.
Needless to say after the birth, we never had sex again. Kept chugging along, hoping something would change. My self-esteem was in tatters. He began to repulse me. We lost all emotional intimacy. Never talked. Just amiable and practical stuff I guess. I did most of the childcare and he zoned out. When he came home he’d be on his phone all night. I too started to connect with people online. Made pals, found my tribe - back when Twitter was fun. People who ‘got’ me.
It all started to fall apart. I had started counselling to address my PTSD (and in the back of my minD, my unhappy marriage.) The more honest I was in therapy, the more things unravelled and I realised I didn’t reallt love my husband properly. I never wanted to have sex with him again. This was a horrendous thing to face. As I say, he’s a nice and kind man on the surface, but I could never get beneath the surface. We’d made a little go a long way.
He refused to see it. I begged for marriage counselling. He eventually agreed, but even then he couldn’t see it. I think the counsellor was baffled by us and how bad our communication was.
The penny dropped for him eventually and he blamed me completely. Claimed he’d been blindsided and I never wanted to try to save the marriage (weird because I was the one who suggested therapy, who was doing the painful digging.)
He never said he loved me and would try. He gave up straight away. Just resigned himself to us being over. I became an ice queen and shut down completely.
Through this all we’ve somehow kept generally civil and decent for the sake of our son.
Here’s where it gets worse.
I developed an online attachment to a man. He is married. Over the course of two years it has gone from little messages to twice meeting up and having sex.
On one hand, it was amazing and revolutionary to be loved and touched. To have someone express any desire for me. To have someone write positive words about my body which I hated, which hadn’t been touched or kissed in so long.
On the other, I know it is wrong and I am currently facing the fact I must end it as it is harmful and will go nowhere.
I’m just feeling so despairing. Did I throw my marriage away because I got some attention online? I sort of know I didn’t, but still.
Has anyone managed to stick out a sexless marriage?
My ex moved out a year ago but I half suspect if I suggested we get back together he would say ‘ok then’ for practical reasons (he is entirely passionless and has never asked to reconcile or seemed heartbroken or anything.)
Thanks for listening. I feel so low, so lonely. So stupid. So lost.