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Original poster

Confused about date - advice please

43 replies

Nellyphantastic123 · 17/10/2018 17:11

Hello mumsnetters, I have name changed but have used your words of wisdom over the years for various reasons and always found your advice invaluable!

So, please go easy on me, I have BPD and as such, find relationships rather challenging. I have gone through considerable personal growth over the last few years, got myself out of a couple of abusive relationships and have spent the majority of my time alone, mostly happily single.

I am now feeling like I would really like to meet someone special but am treading carefully. Have tried online dating but not for me. I recently had 2 dates with a friend of a friend, a decent guy for once, really sweet natured, has his life in order and no skeletons in his closet as far as I am aware. On both dates we got on like a house on fire, there was clearly an attraction and we both said how much we enjoyed each other’s company. He is currently studying and said he doesn’t have a lot of time for anything serious, fine by me I thought, better for me to take things slow anyway... At the end of our second date we shared a little kiss, it was rather lovely but immediately following he proceeded to tell me he didn’t want a relationship full stop so wasn’t sure what to do...but he did want to kiss me and would like to see me again... I felt pretty mortified but tried to play it cool. I went home and cried my eyes out ( know this may sound dramatic but rejection is a big deal when you have BPD) . I am so gutted that I finally met someone decent and he doesn’t even want to be with me... I’ve not heard off him since but didn’t between the last 2 dates either. What do I do? Just leave it and not get in touch? Or text him for clarity? I’m feeling quite confused about it all - if he doesn’t want a relationship then why did he meet me?

OP posts:
ChateauneufDuTwat · 17/10/2018 17:14

Leave it. Forget him OP. Do not text or ask for clarification. That way indignity lays.

By kissing you then telling you he's not up for a relationship he's trying to lay the groundwork for you being a one night stand or at best a FWB. Neither of which appear to be what you want?

Wait for someone who actually wants to be with you properly.

TwistinMyMelon · 17/10/2018 17:14

Next!

TwistinMyMelon · 17/10/2018 17:16

You can do this OP. Don't lower your standards for anyone. He doesn't want a relationship, you do. That is perfectly his right, but then he doesn't get to see you again. Just wait for the next man to come along who does want you.

MargoLovebutter · 17/10/2018 17:18

Did you say very clearly from the outset that you were looking for a long-term relationship? If you didn't articulate that in the clearest possible terms, then it is possible that he thought you may be interested in FWB or ONS stuff.

I think you had a lucky escape that he said very clearly that he wasn't looking for a relationship after the kiss.

Now you know exactly where you stand. There is no need to text him for clarity, as you have the clearest clarity you could possibly have. Always listen if a man says he doesn't want a relationship, because he means it!

OliviaStabler · 17/10/2018 17:21

He doesn't want a relationship so best never to contact him again. It is sad but best you know now and that he has been honest.

Original poster
Nellyphantastic123 · 17/10/2018 17:28

Thanks all. I didn’t say what I wanted before we met, but because he is a good friend of my good friend I sort of imagined he wouldn’t be up for just FWB - might be a little hopeful there! I did say after that eventually I would like to be in a relationship but prefer to just see what happens naturally... I will try my hardest not to message him! He did say something along the lines of ‘think about what we both want and talk about it’ but perhaps that just means if I’m up for FWB?? It is sad 😔 but as you say, at least I know now.

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 17/10/2018 17:38

Do not text him to ask for clarity!

Chances are he isn’t really clear himself.

You will be putting yourself in the position of hearing some variant on ‘I don’t want a relationship with you’ and nobody needs that kind of downer.

Find someone else.

Original poster
Nellyphantastic123 · 17/10/2018 17:52

And if by chance he does get back in touch with me, what do I do?

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 17/10/2018 18:06

He doesn't sound that sweet after all then if you ask me. If he doesn't want any sort of relationship then why did he meet you? TWICE. Oh and then kiss you. He clearly wants a one night stand or FWB.
You can;t know him that well OP and although he may have come across nice and sweet etc, they always do in the beginning. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape. I definitely wouldn't text him.
If he gets in touch with you, I would just make it clear to him that you are eventually looking for long term so it would seem you want different things so best to leave it.

Johnb0y · 17/10/2018 22:54

Can you discuss confidentially with the mutual friend and get their opinion? Did they set up the initial date?

PolkaDoting · 17/10/2018 23:11

And if by chance he does get back in touch with me, what do I do

Do you one w what this comes across as?

It comes across as if you think that the important ‘thing’ in your interaction with him is if he gets in touch with you.

BEFORE HE DIOES THAT, REALISE THAT YOU AND HE WILL NOT WORK LONG TERM BECUASE HE “ISNT LOOKING FONA RELATIONSHIP”.

And hear him.

He doesn’t really want you. Or you would know about it.

PolkaDoting · 17/10/2018 23:12

Ha! I have just re read my post and realised it reads as exactly as drunk as I am Smile but you get my gist!

Legageddon · 17/10/2018 23:17

If he contacts you then maybe reply it was nice to meet him but you feel you aren’t compatble and you wish him all the best

Beware then in case he is one that sees this as a challenge to get you (in bed)

Honestly move on. You sound lovely and it’s perfectly your right to want to find someone who wants a long term relationship. Don’t settle for less if that is your goal. Not saying every relationship goes the distance but if you don’t want to be a FWB or a casual
Fling them don’t start being one and hoping for more.

Good luck OP. The right man is out there!

PolkaDoting · 17/10/2018 23:57

If he contacts you again say...

It was lovely to meet you, but I don’t think things are going to work out between us. All the best, Nelly x

PuddinginPerth · 18/10/2018 03:10

The guy is an asshole. My friends husband was doing his PhD in astrophysics when they met. People who study have relationships. It’s like me saying “I can’t have a relationship because I work full-time”.

He knows you like him. He wants to have sex with you and have sex with other people. He doesn’t see you as a potential partner. He is a massive asshole by suggesting “you think about it”.

I would have straight away asked “think about what? - why would I think about you studying? - that doesn’t involve me”.

If he can’t study and have a relationship then he’s an absolute loser and you can do better.

Marshy · 18/10/2018 07:09

You've been on 2 dates and on the second one he was clear that he wants sex but not a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that but it's not what you want and of course you're disappointed if you are looking for something more.
You can't really blame him for being honest though! If you pursue this you risk heartbreak. Move on and find someone who wants what you want.

OliviaStabler · 18/10/2018 07:35

And if by chance he does get back in touch with me, what do I do?

Why would you text him in the first place? Think about it. Why are you hanging your self esteem on whether he wants a long term relationship with you or not? It's been two dates. Chalk it up that he doesn't want what you want. He isn't interested in a long term relationship with you. He's happy to have a few shags but that's it.

Kennycalmit · 18/10/2018 09:05

I’m obviously in the minority here but I don’t see how this guy is a dick as others have called him? He hasn’t done anything wrong

He’s been honest and told you he doesn’t want a relationship. It was the 2nd date in which he told you this. It’s not as if he’s strung you along for several months and then said it. He hasn’t given you any false pretences.

He’s been open and honest about the fact he doesn’t want a relationship. Whether you continue to keep in contact with him or not is up to you.

But since when is not wanting a relationship and telling a person this, such a bad thing? Confused

Original poster
Nellyphantastic123 · 18/10/2018 09:22

Thank you all for your input. I suppose I was trying to be optimistic, hoping he may have had more depth compared to previous men I’ve been involved with who either just want sex or want to get scarily serious too soon. To give him some credit, he has been honest, perhaps given off some mixed messages, or maybe I’ve chosen to read it that way. Sadly, this has perpetuated the idea I hold of myself that I’m not good enough... it would be great to know if anyone with BPD who has actually managed to have a successful and healthy relationship- unfortunately not feeling very hopeful right now!

OP posts:
FlowerpotFairyHouse · 18/10/2018 09:23

If he can’t study and have a relationship then he’s an absolute loser and you can do better.

Some people don't consider having a relationship to be the be all and end all!

It's quite possible to not want a relationship/meet someone for coffee And even have a ONS or want a casual relationship and be a nice person. They're not mutually exclusive you know!

But since when is not wanting a relationship and telling a person this, such a bad thing?

I have no idea since the responses on here are usually "he should have been honest with you from the start"!

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 18/10/2018 09:26

I suppose I was trying to be optimistic, hoping he may have had more depth compared to previous men I’ve been involved with who either just want sex or want to get scarily serious too soon

Surely you understand that not everyone is looking for the same thing and people are entitled to be different and have a different perspective to you?

Your "More depth" comment is really offensive. Not everyone wants a 'relationship'

Original poster
Nellyphantastic123 · 18/10/2018 09:26

Johnb0y - our mutual friend just passed on my number to him at my request. My date then got in touch with me (hence why I was feeling hopeful) . I may broach it with my friend but they have given me the impression that they’d rather not get involved aside from passing on the number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nellyphantastic123 · 18/10/2018 09:30

Flowerpotfairyhouse- I’m sorry that you found my comment offensive. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with casual relationships and have had many myself over the years. What is different about those is that it’s usually quite clear from the offset that that is what is on the cards. Yes he did say he was busy, didn’t have much time for a relationship, perhaps I didn’t hear him properly on that but when he then arranged to meet me twice I naively thought maybe he had a change of heart.

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 18/10/2018 09:35

If he can’t study and have a relationship then he’s an absolute loser and you can do better

This is the biggest pile of rubbish I’ve read in a long time!! Not everyone’s priority is to have a relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to concentrate on your studies instead of forming a serious relationship! Get real.

hoping he may have had more depth compared to previous men I’ve been involved with who either just want sex

There is nothing wrong about men or women simply wanting something casual instead of a fully committed relationship. It doesn’t mean they have “less depth” than those who are looking at meeting someone to marry.

I may broach it with my friend but they have given me the impression that they’d rather not get involved aside from passing on the number

NO!! Just leave things alone now, OP. There is nothing to broach, anyway!
This man has made it perfectly clear he does not want a relationship. That decision has absolutely nothing to do with your mutual friend. He plays no part in it. Respect this man’s decision, accept it and move on to find someone who wants the same things.
Your mutual friend also made it clear they don’t wish to get involved. Respect that.

He has not given you any mixed messages. You had two dates ! He was honest on the second date about not wanting a relationship. I’m sorry, you really shouldn’t expect anything relationship wise from a person you’ve met just twice. He’s still a stranger. He doesn’t owe you anything.

You are overthinking things. He doesn’t want a committed relationship and he’s told you this early on, where as you clearly do. You aren’t compatible so move on. But he is not a dick

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 18/10/2018 09:38

Yes he did say he was busy, didn’t have much time for a relationship, perhaps I didn’t hear him properly on that but when he then arranged to meet me twice I naively thought maybe he had a change of heart.

So the problem is yours and not his.

You've made the mistake of thinking he'd said one thing but meant another.