Confused about date - advice please

[Nellyphantastic123]

Hello mumsnetters, I have name changed but have used your words of wisdom over the years for various reasons and always found your advice invaluable!

So, please go easy on me, I have BPD and as such, find relationships rather challenging. I have gone through considerable personal growth over the last few years, got myself out of a couple of abusive relationships and have spent the majority of my time alone, mostly happily single.

I am now feeling like I would really like to meet someone special but am treading carefully. Have tried online dating but not for me. I recently had 2 dates with a friend of a friend, a decent guy for once, really sweet natured, has his life in order and no skeletons in his closet as far as I am aware. On both dates we got on like a house on fire, there was clearly an attraction and we both said how much we enjoyed each other’s company. He is currently studying and said he doesn’t have a lot of time for anything serious, fine by me I thought, better for me to take things slow anyway... At the end of our second date we shared a little kiss, it was rather lovely but immediately following he proceeded to tell me he didn’t want a relationship full stop so wasn’t sure what to do...but he did want to kiss me and would like to see me again... I felt pretty mortified but tried to play it cool. I went home and cried my eyes out ( know this may sound dramatic but rejection is a big deal when you have BPD) . I am so gutted that I finally met someone decent and he doesn’t even want to be with me... I’ve not heard off him since but didn’t between the last 2 dates either. What do I do? Just leave it and not get in touch? Or text him for clarity? I’m feeling quite confused about it all - if he doesn’t want a relationship then why did he meet me?

Hes done absolutely nothing wrong!

Kennycalmit - I don’t believe he is a dick either, I think maybe it would have been better not to meet me and kiss me if he doesn’t want to pursue anything with me. I don’t want a serious relationship straight away , I feel a bit frustrated at having to decide what I want already instead of just seeing what happens. Part of my mental health symptoms are that I see things black and white, so it can be very difficult to initially understand why someone feels differently to myself. I’ve not text him, I’m going to leave it, it hurts but I’ll be fine. Thanks everybody 💐

if he texts you, you can say you want different things, so it cant continue.

I think maybe it would have been better not to meet me and kiss me if he doesn’t want to pursue anything with me

But they were just dates, OP. Going on a date with someone doesn’t mean you have to pursue something with that person.

Let’s look at it another way. Perhaps he was/is looking for a relationship which is why he went on a date with you. He may have been unsure as to whether it would come of anything so arranged date number 2. That’s when he realised it probably wouldn’t - and that’s okay! That’s the whole point of dating! To get to know people and see whether you’d like to take things further. He obviously didn’t. You aren’t the one for him - and that’s totally okay aswell! It’s no reflection of you as a person either. It just means you aren’t compatible.

Don’t take it personally. It’s okay for people to reject you or to decide to no longer want to see you again - it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It just means there’s no future for you two.

Go open minded. Next time you have a date with someone just remind yourself that yes a date is nice however it doesn’t mean he’s going to marry you. A date doesn’t automatically mean he owes you anything more.

You will find the right person for you. This guy obviously isn’t that person and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Good luck

Nelly you have to be clear in your own mind what you want. You said you want a relationship but then that you don't want a serious relationship straight away. I'm of the view that a 'non-serious' relationship could be FWB or just having 'fun' and I imagine that any man hearing that might think the same too.

You need to know what it is you are looking for and then communicate it. If you were looking for a job, you'd be clear in your mind about whether your were looking for part-time work or full-time work before you started applying for jobs - it is the same for relationships.

Once you know exactly what you want, then you can explain that clearly to the men that you meet. There is no point having a few dates and making assumptions about what you think the other person may want from that. Set out your own stall and if that drives some men away - that's a GOOD thing, because they are not men you want to get involved with. I'm of the view that you say all this stuff really early to avoid any misunderstandings.

Margo - thank you, I think I do need to work on this but I’m confused. Of course I don’t want to be serious straight away, how would I know that? I like the idea of somewhere down the line being in a committed relationship but how do I know if he is the right person until I’ve taken things more casually at first? I feel like we have different relationships for different reasons, maybe I feel like I would like a long term thing later on but I might meet someone who I just have fun with and that might also be a good thing for now too. Not sure if that makes sense? I’m not overly comfortable putting labels on things, particularly early on when they’ve yet to come to fruition ... As others have stated, I don’t know this guy yet, I don’t know what we can offer each other which may or may not be beneficial.

Nelly now I'm confused. What are you looking for?

This man said that he wanted to kiss you and see you again but he didn't want a relationship. This made you upset, you said that you were mortified and you went home and cried. You felt rejected, even though he clearly found you physically attractive.

So, it would seem that short-term physical flings are not what you want - or have I misinterpreted that?

Sorry Margo, yes, I find relationships quite difficult to navigate. I think I felt mortified because of the timing of him saying he didn’t want a relationship, I plucked up the courage to kiss him, felt wonderful in the moment to be suddenly dropped from a great height. In my head, it felt like he was saying, you’re nice to kiss etc but not good enough for anything more. I have a long term FWB who from day one has stated that it’s just sex and that is it. I can cope with that because I know where I stand- not saying it’s 100% without it’s problems though of course. This scenario seemed quite different to me, he paid for dinner, expressed how much he enjoyed my company etc , seemed like more than just a FWB set up. I want to be able to be open minded with this guy about where things go but by asking me already what do I want I feel like it’s shut the door on multiple possibilities.

At the end of our second date we shared a little kiss, it was rather lovely but immediately following he proceeded to tell me he didn’t want a relationship full stop so wasn’t sure what to do...but he did want to kiss me and would like to see me again...

This is the standout phrase and it's no wonder you are confused, I bloody well would be. Massively entitled of him to allow physical contact and then turn around and say no relationship but yes let's meet.

The 'going quiet' is a test. He has targeted you (the BPD and the past abusive relationships make you highly desirable) and now he's seeing if he can embed you.

I think you know the answer OP. The way to defeat the manipulation is to block and delete and just move on. I perceive that as this has only gone to a few dates, I think you can nip this one in the bud.

Good luck OP!

Nelly I think this guy has very clearly stated where he thinks this is going. It would be a casual thing, based on meeting up presumably with more kisses and something physical. He has stated that he doesn't want a relationship. So what else could it be other than FWB?

I think you lack clarity about what you want. I think you need to work on that before you date any more men. It is all very well saying you don't want to label something, but most relationships have a label of some kind. When they don't have a label, people end up getting hurt because one person thinks it is one thing & the other another. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being misunderstood and therefore hurt?

I don't think you need to rush into anything serious/intense.

For me, I have to be with someone for about 6 months before I even think of calling them my 'boyfriend'. But I don't see the point of multidating so I'm monogamous from the first date.

I will only see someone a couple of times a week and don't make plans further ahead than next weekend/month.

I don't engage with nonsense chat about love/marriage/children/the future.

If someone starts to not feel right, I end it. I won't talk myself into being with anyone. If they're not right, they're not right.

If it goes no further than 3 dates so be it. If it gets to 3 weeks or 3 months fair enough.

So I suppose I don't really understand what you mean about wanting something casual at the start and not wanting serious right away.

I'm very discriminating so I wouldn't even go on a first date with someone who I didn't think had potential/I was compatible with. I might then realise that i didnt have enough in common or our views were incompatible on something serious or the sex was crap and then I'd end it.

I've also has casual things but they would never have had any potential for becoming serious.

You say you plucked up the courage to kiss him. Is it possible that you kissed him but he didn’t really want to or the attraction wasn’t there for him hence why he said he didn’t want anything more straight after.

Flowerpot - I feel similar about approaching relationships ... wanting something casual and not wanting something serious is the same is it not? I just don’t like to rush in with a plan of exactly what I want to happen. Therapists and friends alike have in fact warned me against doing so - always better to take things slow early on right?

Womanlikeme- yep you could be right, which is deeply embarrassing if so...although he didn’t pull away , in fact we kissed twice, lasted a while n reached for my hand and squeezed it... see why I’m confused?

wanting something casual and not wanting something serious is the same is it not?

Hm not always in dating terms.

What do you hope for eventually?

Do you want to marry? Live with someone? Have children? Become 'partners'? Combine finances? Make life plans with someone?

If so, you want a serious relationship you just don't want it to become too serious too soon. You might not know who you want it with and it might take a few years before you know whether the person you are with could become that person but ultimately, that's what you want.

A casual relationship has no commitment and never intends to. It's someone to hang out with; watch films with; go to dinner with; have sex. That's it. It asks for nothing and it promises nothing. Not time, not monogamy, not emotional investment...

A casual relationship is not the same as a relationship that is not yet serious.

Don't really see why you're confused to be honest OP. It was a second date and you had a nice kiss....that means nothing...and you really can't extrapolate much from that about wanting a relationship or not. Besides...he has said quite clearly that he doesn't.
You hardly know him. If you knew him better perhaps you'd decide you didn't want a relationship with him....who knows!
Any new dating situation involves sussing each other out. Its good to have an idea about what you want but I think you need to figure out how to protect yourself emotionally otherwise you will get hurt. This guy has been more honest that some men might have been.

This is the standout phrase and it's no wonder you are confused, I bloody well would be. Massively entitled of him to allow physical contact and then turn around and say no relationship

Oh fgs. How is it ‘entitled’ of him to do that? She did it as much as him. Since when does kissing someone automatically mean you want a relationship? It doesn’t. If you kiss someone you’ve twice and assume it means something then more fool you.

The 'going quiet' is a test. He has targeted you (the BPD and the past abusive relationships make you highly desirable) and now he's seeing if he can embed you

Again, absolute rubbish. I wonder how long it’d take for someone to label him abusive or manipulative. He isn’t testing her in the slightest. What part of her posts have you not read? He’s “gone silent” because he does not want a relationship
If he had said that but continued to text her all the time you’d accuse him of giving mixed messages fgs! He owes her NOTHING! He’s had 2 dates with her for crying out loud - he’s told her he doesn’t want a relationship so the hell should he continue to text her?! He’s “gone silent” because he isn’t interested!

The way to defeat the manipulation

Good god I feel sorry for any man in your life. Since when does telling somebody after 2 dates you don’t want a relationship so therefore you stop contacting them = you’re a manipulator?!

@Renarde1975 - the way you so easily label a man as manipulative is scary. That really isn’t a normal way of thinking.

OP, I don’t even think you know what you want. Tread very clearly by posting on mumsnet when by your own admission you struggle with relationships. Many posters will tell you men are abusive for the most pathetic of reasons - when they aren’t. That I fear could influence how you view things.

You say you want something serious then casual but still feel gutted this man doesn’t want anything more from you. It doesn’t make sense.

For your own sake I really would work out what it is you exactly want.

Agree with everything kenny has said.

Because whether anyone would agree with my previous post or not, 2 dates is nothing and no one owes you anything. Except maybe honesty, which he gave you.