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Original poster

Married - with feelings for a colleague...

53 replies

Lifewithlittlel · 17/10/2018 13:52

At the beginning of the year, I took a inwternal transfer at work. Moving into a new position and team.
I’ve been lucky to have settled well into the new role and make good rapports with my new colleagues...
My line management, directed me towards a male colleague who had been with the team the longest for support in this new position.
To cut a long story short; as the months progressed, we became close. As it can do, banter turned into flirting and eventually lead to some explicit messages being shared between us outside of work. And discussions of making our relationship physical. But we chose not to act, and continued with our professional relationship.
It has at times been difficult, as I’ve tried to distance myself from him. Which he has in the past interrupted as me ‘treating him differently’ to colleagues. As the months have gone on, I have realised that I do have feelings for him. But being married and with a young child, I do not wish act on them. And the signals I’ve received from him have not been clear, as to whether he feels the same way.
A couple of weeks ago, he and another colleague were engaging in banter with myself. Doing their best to provoke me. And in a moment of misjudgment, I playfully hit him (too hard) on the back. I immediately knew that I had done it too hard, that I rubbed his back and apologised profusely. He seemed to take it in good spirit and even joked about it for the remainder of the day. I still felt bad, so in the evening I text him to apologise again, and acknowledge that I had done it too hard and wouldn’t do it again. He did not reply to this.
A couple of days later, I received a phone call from my line manager to say he had made an official complaint about me. With regards to the incident and behaviour towards him.
I was completely taken a back, and devastated. I can’t understand why he has done this? It is currently being investigated by HR. And we have been separated in the meantime. I can’t make sense of why he didn’t confront me, and what he’s hoping to achieve?

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 17/10/2018 13:57

I’m not sure what to say really.
You have technically assaulted him at work so it’s misconduct at the least.

That’s separate to the non affair / emotional affair though you will always wonder if this has prompted the complaint.

There isn’t much you can do other than I suppose give some context to the investigation about the things that didn’t happen between you but were developing. If you have the messages etc you could consider showing them?
It doesn’t take away form the fact you clouted him at work though, though it might make him look as though he has an axe to grind. And it was witnessed. Your messages to him that evening won’t help.
Sorry. It’s a bit of a mess really.

Bananacloud · 17/10/2018 13:58

He sounds like a fucking nutter Hmm

Original poster
Lifewithlittlel · 17/10/2018 14:10

Eatmycheese - I think what’s gone on between us is the bottom line as to why he’s put this complaint in.
I know what I did was wrong, and thought I made that clear at the time. Luckily my line manager does know me very well, and him. And knows there is more to it. He has warned me that he thinks this guy will try and get it to ‘all come out in the wash’ and wants me to be prepared for that. But at the same time, doesn’t seem to think anything serious will happen. And at most we will made to meet with a mediator.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifewithlittlel · 17/10/2018 14:12

Bannacloud - Haha, that made me laugh! Thank you. A few people have described him to me as ‘messed up’ 🙄

OP posts:
desperatesux · 17/10/2018 14:14

I think when he knew it wouldn't get physical between you he wanted rid of you and this seems like the easiest way to do that given it is unlikely that you would tell your superiors that you were having an affair, albeit emotional
Would it be easy to move job, that is what I would be looking at doing before this all blows up and you lose your job and husband
He is a total prick by the way

HellenaHandbasket · 17/10/2018 14:16

How does he sound like a nutter? Confused

PaleRider1 · 17/10/2018 14:22

I sincerely hope his resulting behaviour has prompted you to steer well clear of him and quash any 'feelings' you may have had for him.

I take it your current partner / husband is oblivious to what is going on at work? (both your feelings for someone else and the official complaint)

Trinity66 · 17/10/2018 14:22

It does sound like he's getting revenge for you not wanting to get into something with him, maybe this will make you think twice about starting an EA affair in the future when you've got a DH & DC at home.............

Original poster
Lifewithlittlel · 17/10/2018 14:46

Desperatesux- I am looking elsewhere, as the whole thing has given me a sour taste in the mouth.

I am furious that he is treating me this way, when all I’ve ever been truly guilty of is trying to be a friend and do what’s best for all.

OP posts:
Womanlikeme · 17/10/2018 15:01

That’s really awful. If you hit him playfully and apologised I’m not sure what his game is apart from to make trouble for you of course. I would be prepared for the messages between you to come out.

Howsoon · 17/10/2018 15:06

If you were a man I'd be saying it's misconduct, leave your job if you are able if this will impact on your performance/reputation, learn your lesson (don't be naive in saying you were being a friend and doing right by all -your husband?) and work on your marriage.

Howsoon · 17/10/2018 15:08

He didn't confront you because that would have made it worse for him. He sought professional advice and followed policy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/10/2018 15:17

I may be way out in left field with this but...
Perhaps you don’t know him quite as well as you think you do.

He may be playing a long game for what? Entertainment, to get you fired, to get a sexual harassment claim in his favor (quite the ego boost and boast)?

You have been expertly manipulated.

You stand to lose everything: your job and paycheck, your marriage, your professional credibility. And he can just sit back and laugh at you, along with the rest of the office grapevine tittle tattle.

Tell your dh everything. You might be able to save your marriage but only if you are completely honest.

Go back through the entire text history. Think of him as a predator and look for the traps he laid for you. Do the over all feeling of the texts show that he pursued you?

He shamed you when you tried to back off and that got you to stay in his game. His saying you were treating him differently to other colleagues should have alerted you to his intention of HR becoming involved.

“Engaging in banter” (banter should be a red flag) - wtf is that anyway? An excuse for verbal bullying and harassment. You know you do not have to participate in that.

The “banter” may be an avenue for a counter claim for verbal, then sexual harassment.

And needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway for other readers...do not get romantically involved with anyone at work. It is unprofessional. Have some boundaries. The phrase “don’t shit where you eat” means don’t mess up your work environment and risk losing your paycheck for food. Some things are more important than sex.

SillySallySingsSongs · 17/10/2018 15:23

I am looking elsewhere, as the whole thing has given me a sour taste in the mouth.

You chose to have an affair. It's that which should leave a sour taste.

Best be prepared for your DH to find out too.

FlossieTeacake12 · 17/10/2018 15:26

Don't shit where you eat.

Good luck op. :(

HellenaHandbasket · 17/10/2018 15:33

Why is he being made out to be so awful? There is no mention of the OP rejecting him, it says that they both decided not to act.

Notacluewhatthisis · 17/10/2018 15:34

This man has pointed out that you history is causing you to treat him differently. So he has every right to seek advice and put a complaint in. Would surprise if he produces more examples of it.

Sounds like a workplace affair has gone tits up. This time it's gone tits up for you.

If it was a woman complaining of being treated different after an almost affair, people would be far more sympathetic to the complainer.

Notacluewhatthisis · 17/10/2018 15:36

He may be playing a long game for what? Entertainment, to get you fired, to get a sexual harassment claim in his favor (quite the ego boost and boast)?

Or perhaps he genuinely feels that way and has nothing to do with an ego boost or boast.

dirtybadger · 17/10/2018 15:42

Not entirely clear on the situation here. What has he brought up with HR? The "playful hit"/assault, or unfair treatment in some way, or is he saying you're harassing him (with the text)? Or all?

Looking for another job pronto sounds like a good idea. Even If it's all sorted out and DH never finds out, it's not going to be a very nice environment.

Hope you've learned your lesson.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2018 16:03

For fuck's sake, you're in quite a mess. Don't forget he also has those explicit messages you sent to him. So you were flirting, messaging, then you blew him off, and now you've hit him. You say he's accused you of "treating him differently", which you have. He could say he's a victim of sexual harassment and he might not be wrong.

I sincerely hope you have matured from this and realise just how recklessly you behaved. And NEVER get involved with a colleague, married or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2018 16:06

I also wouldn't be surprised if suddenly your husband receives copies of your messages.

Adora10 · 17/10/2018 16:17

Your own fault OP, you got involved inappropriately with a man at work, no doubt everyone knows, you then assaulted him and are now bleating on about poor you, what did you expect; I pity your poor husband, what a shit way to behave.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2018 16:21

You need to be prepared for everything, and I mean everything, to come out. I get the sense that you don't even acknowledge that you were cheating on your husband, because you were. Imagine if it were your husband who had done everything you've done. I doubt you would be so cavalier then.

TastelesslyDone · 17/10/2018 16:59

Let me get this straight: your friendship with a colleague turned into (as these things apparently do...) sharing explicit text messages and discussing a physical relationship, yet you’re married with a kid.

Sometime later you punch this guy in the back at work. And now you’re confused as to why he’s made a complaint about the assault.

I would say you’ve made your bed, and now you get to lie in it. Oh, and tell your DH about the EA, he has every right to know. After all, if you’ve done nothing wrong, he’ll be okay with it, right?

CaptSkippy · 17/10/2018 17:19

Well, you can only wait to see what happens next with regards to work.

I agree with previous posters. This has a high chance of your husband finding out. I think you need to be the one to tell him what happened. It will be worse if he finds out another way.

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