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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why am i doing this?

31 replies

unfaithfull · 15/06/2007 00:15

i don't know why i even started it BUT i seem to be getting deeper and deeper into a relationship with a friend.
has been mostly confined to e-mail/msn/text messages with just 2 real life meetings over the space of nearly a year
i've been with dp for a long time and have 1 child together
have known friend for longer but only as close friends for 7/8yrs
i know i should stay away but he draws me in like a magnet and i cannot get him out of my head
i love my partner dearly and we have a good sex life he is a good man and an excellent daddy he knows nothing about this and i have HUGE guilt
i've not had sex with friend but we have kissed etc

OP posts:
winniepoo · 15/06/2007 00:38

Only you can stop it - personally I don't see how you can truly love someone if you are doing something that if they found out would hurt them iykwim. You should look deeper into your long term relationship to see what the problem is because there must be one.

SittingBull · 15/06/2007 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kiskidee · 15/06/2007 00:46

agree with sitting bull.

fussymummy · 15/06/2007 00:51

Would you like this relationship to go further than just kissing?

Does he live a long way from you?

Is he in a relationship?

Is your current partner likely to find out?

How do you think he'd react if he did?

lou33 · 15/06/2007 01:17

i would have a think about what it is that you feel is lacking in your relationship, that this other man is giving you, and take it from there

despite what you say about your p, there has to be something you feel is lacking for you to have this confusion

i hope you work it out x

DivaSkyChick · 15/06/2007 07:42

You dearly love your partner? Do you love your child and want him to have his Daddy?

KNOCK IT OFF! Cut off contact with your friend. Have you read anything happening here in the relationships section? THEY ALWAYS FIND OUT. ALWAYS. you're already committting he cardinal sin of texts, emails, and msn and now you're posting on a message board. I repeat THEY ALWAYS FIND OUT. You're not even making it hard.

I feel for you, everyone gets bored, everyone needs a little excitement but you are flirting with disaster and IT'S NOT FUNNY.

He's going to find out. Sit and visualize how that will go. Visualize how much pain he will feel, how your later, your baby will blame you for wrecking the family. How much it will hurt when DP has a new partner and hates you or worse, is just sickened by you.

Don't play this game with yourself and their lives, go skydiving if you need excitement.

Original poster
unfaithfull · 15/06/2007 22:46

ok wasn't really expecting a good reaction or support BUT i obviously can't talk to any rl friends about this i'm not daft i know people cant keep secrets .
I on the other hand think i can i managed to keep this totally to myself (b4) i posted here for the best part of a year. i'm in no way proud of my behaviour but have always had a slightly obsessive personality and i think that this is exactly what this is obsession - i feel that i love both of them (my partner more so)and b4 this would've thought this impossible.
my love 4 my children - my love 4 dp - our happy family - these are the things that have kept me from getting in too deep - but i'm starting to lose my grip - i have tried to end it time & time again but if it stops so does our friendship and i find the idea of that too hard to bear

OP posts:
elasticbandstand · 15/06/2007 22:48

is it the fantacies you enjoy

CarGirl · 15/06/2007 22:51

it's also a "perfect" relationship fictionalised and without the day to day realities of irritations with each other. You do need to cut ties, try dating your dp again to fill the void and try spending extra time with other good friends again to fill the void until you get over it.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 15/06/2007 22:52

At the end of the day... it is in your hands to stop seeing him, isn't it?

I would try not to rationalise the thing too much, if your child and his father are so dear to you, stop seeing the "friend", at least unitl the crush passes.

elasticbandstand · 15/06/2007 22:58

perhaps you are bored?

Original poster
unfaithfull · 15/06/2007 23:09

yes i agree i must cut all ties with "friend"

i will miss him so much but my family is more important of course

i just have always felt so attracted to him we are very similar personalities have a lot of things in common have such a laugh in our virtual life together he makes me pmsl so often but i know he will fume about me ending it and prob. won't see him for months in rl or virtual life

my dp is great we have a good life
lots of my friends think he is perfect daddy/dp and he is close to perfect we never argue prob. only had 3 rows in a decade but i do feel like i'm craving something more

i guess the grass is always greener

OP posts:
IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 15/06/2007 23:38

Of course you will miss him, but you will miss your family more if you decide to continue on this direction.

"i just have always felt so attracted to him we are very similar personalities have a lot of things in common have such a laugh in our virtual life together he makes me pmsl so often....

I'm sure you thought exactly the same of your DP when your relationship was at the same stage as this one, before you realised about those little annoying things all men do.

I think you are following a fantasy, the grass is always greener... yes, but only until we are standing on it... then we realise it's just the same.

DivaSkyChick · 16/06/2007 10:14

I'm sorry if I sounded very hard on you, I just wanted to wake you up.

Can you go to your DP and talk to him? Find a way to express your feeling that something is missing for you? Ask how he feels and if he shares your feeling that something is missing. You might be surprised (and a little scared when you hear his response.)

It's so completely normal to get bored with the same partner year in and year out if you don't both make efforts to keep it exciting. I really think this could be your wake up call and that you're on the right track. Renew your love, renew your vows, have a second honeymoon!

Original poster
unfaithfull · 16/06/2007 16:13

divaskychick - thats sweet of you to think i needed you to give me a wake up call BUT i feel more awake since this started than ever b4 .
friend is coming over tonight i'm gonna finish our shady relationship - hoping we can just be friends that might take awhile but he is incredibly important to me i would say my best friend - but i need to keep away from him . i spent a lovely day with my lovely family in my lovely home yesterday and i really saw the cold reality of how the world would come tumbling down around us all if i was to carry on down this road i've been travelling - i have been selfish thinking of my own needs .
diva you mentioned renewing vows etc we r not married (i panick @ total commitment) but lately it has been mentioned half jokingly and maybe this whole thing is a reaction to that
THANKYOU ANYONE WHO HAS RESPONDED TO THIS POST i really was desperate to talk this through with someone/anyone and just had no-one in real life i could tell

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/06/2007 16:14

all the best, took me 7 years to go through with marrying dh, best thing I ever did!

DivaSkyChick · 16/06/2007 18:38

Good luck! And next time we see you your name should be changed to Faithful!

Original poster
unfaithfull · 03/11/2007 23:28

...

OP posts:
Original poster
unfaithfull · 03/11/2007 23:34

this problem doesn't seem to be going away - it's been a long long time know and i still can't get him out of my head

i'm obsessed and i wan't him

i feel bored with dp and stuck in a rut

i know it is wrong so very wrong but i think i love him

but here i am with my kids safely asleep in bed my dp @ work for hours having not contacted my "friend" but i wanted to and it eats me up inside

OP posts:
mamazon · 03/11/2007 23:39

delete his number and erase all emails.

wipe this man from your life totally.

youhave not gone pastthe point of no return so make sure you dont

controlfreaky2 · 03/11/2007 23:43

i havent read whole thread....
apologies if this sounds too harsh....
BUT..... sort out your relationship with your dh. make it work or get out with everyones dignity intact. then decide what if anything you want to do about the other man. anything else is tawdry and will end badly.

Original poster
unfaithfull · 03/11/2007 23:44

mentally and physically i have gone past the point of too far but maybe not of no return

OP posts:
madamez · 03/11/2007 23:47

Well, to be absolutely blunt and truthful about it: monogamy is not for everyone. It doesn;t suit everyone. There's no inherent moral value in restricting the number of people you kiss, talk to or have sex with: the moral dimension is in how you treat them. Honesty and fairness are very important, and remembering that everyone's feelings matter. HAve you and your DP ever had a serious discussion about monogamy and your expectations of each other with regard to it?
Next question: do you and your DP socialise together? Because if your life consists of sitting in the family home watching television because you're a Family and that's all that's needed out of life... then it's no wonder you feel there is something missing - but the something missing is not a different monogamous partner, it's something called 'a life'. Do you and your DP talk to each other about the wider world, your philosophies, things that make you laugh etc or is it all a matter of 'dog needs worming, DCs look cute when they are asleep, more custard on that dear?' Are you and your DP having a mutually enjoyable sex life, with both of you feeling that you're getting what you want out of it?
Basically (and only you know this) are you considering that sexual exclusivity is not for you, or are there various not-to-do-with sex-at-all issues in your life that need addressing?
Best of luck sorting it out/

Original poster
unfaithfull · 04/11/2007 00:03

oh madamez - maybe that's it i've never been much of a one for exclusivity BUT with dp & me it's kind of an expectation for a long time i've been wishing his feckin halo would slip a little so that i could stop feeling so guilty - it ain't gonna happen he is a very faithfull and good man -

when this problem reared its head i thought it was just lust or a crush but it's been a year and a half and the feelings are more intense - i know what the sensible thing to do is but i don't feel sensible

OP posts:
madamez · 04/11/2007 00:11

Unfaithfull I really, really recommend that you track down a copy of The Ethical Slut by Catherine Easton and Dossie Liszt (Greenery Press). It's an american book so it does have a certain amount of Getting IN Touch WIth Your Inner Child type guff in it, but there is also a lot of sound sensible advice for people who find monogamy isn't really for them.

There's also the fact in your case that cutting a good friend out of your life in case you had, oooer, unmonogamous thoughts, is something that's going to make you feel resentful and miss your friend.