Am I being over sensitive ?

[Beautifulpretty]

Back story: two years ago I split up from my H when I discovered he was having an affair with someone 30 years younger. We are in our late 50s and not having the future I thought we’d have has been pretty devastating.

I have picked myself up, moved into a lovely little cottage and trying to readjust. This is relevant not a stealth boast, I’ve always tried to look after myself and enjoy sport and horse riding , I’m small frame and low end of BMI scale. Anyway I’ve started dating someone who I met on holiday a few months ago. I’d never met him before but he actually lives two streets away. He is in his early 50s and we get on very well. It’s just he sometimes makes references about my weight and age and at the weekend said he hopes I don’t lose any weight because with my age I’d start to look frail. To put this in context we talk a lot about weight as he is obese and has lost four stones but needs to lose another six. He is doing really well and I try and encourage him for health reasons.

So am I being over sensitive? I realise I might be because my self esteem has suffered because of what happened with my H.

He's a fine one to be commenting on YOUR appearance! He's awful and I hope you bin him. Also, do you really want to be saddled with someone with such a massive weight problem? Before you know it, you'll be their carer.

Smacks of him being jealous to me. Wants to beat you down about being "too skinny" to make himself feel better about being obese. He doesn't sound very nice.

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive, frail sounds like a real dog, what he is saying is old. Is he trying to make you feel bad for being slim do you think?

Dig, not dog!

He is normally very thoughtful and kind but that comment really stung. It was only one remark and I don’t want to make a massive deal over it but I’m feeling a bit hurt at the moment

Only one way to find out what was meant - discuss it!! Ask him what he meant...tell him how the remark made you feel. His reactions and explanation should give you more insight into his psyche and whether you will have a long lasting relationship.

Yes sadness you’re right I need to discuss it with him. I just wanted to hear others views I suppose. My ex used to put me down and then say he was “only joking “ so I don’t want to get into that scenario again

Not over sensitive at all!

It's not your fault he's massively overweight cheeky bastard

Also congratulate him on losing some more weight as your off!

Haha you could be right Sparkly I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all worth it.

NOBODY needs any little digs like that. Personally I'd be out but you're the one with him

I wouldn't be able to help myself thinking when the next snide arsed comment would be coming

Yes that’s how I’m thinking - is this this just the start of negative comments. Maybe I’m better off with someone the same age rather than 5 years younger

Being obese will kill him before you appear frail!. Cf that he is!!

I think I feel upset because he can and is doing something about his weight but I can’t do anything about my age

He knows your only 'weak point' is your age so he's using it against you. Never ever apologise for your age - or anything about yourself. And he is only five years younger! - he ain't no Justin Bieber

I have read this and changed my mind several times. He could be jealous, it could be the beginning of him making sly digs or being passive aggressive with the annoying "I'm only joking" at the end (as with your ex - I've had that too, and it's very irritating). However, it could just be that he's a bit crap and insensitive and that actually he didn't mean to insult you at all. Your age difference (five years is nothing really, is it?) may not have even occurred to him - he might just be a bit clumsy with words, iykwim? I would have a conversation with him and ask him, telling him that it hurt your feelings and that you don't take kindly to those kind of comments as you're proud of your age and figure and have no plans to change. Gauge his reaction and just look out for any future digs. Maybe this was a one-off.

Hmm, maybe I’ve been so badly hurt I’m looking for a problem. My exH said he no longer found me attractive as I was too old. I discovered as well as his affair with young coworker he had also been meeting up with escorts in their early twenties for the last 30 years. I suppose my feelings of self worth about my age and attractiveness have been well and truly crushed

Hmm 🤔 in the one hand you could read it as he’s concerned for your health. But on the other, to tell you you’ll start to look frail is quite a horrid thing for someone to say - I don’t think you’re being over sensitive.

It never ceases to amaze me how people feel it’s ok to comment on your weight if you are slim. I had an ex who used to say ‘please don’t lose anymore weight, I like your arse and tits as they are’ (note the ex bit). However if you said to someone who’s over weight ‘please don’t put any more weight on as you’re too heavy as it is’ you’d get lynched! I strongly suspect he’s jealous of your weight and lifestyle. It would make him feel better if you were overweight

It’s not about being with someone older or younger, it’s about being with someone who makes you feel good.

Talk to him about how unhappy his comments made you feel. Ask him how he would react if you were to refer to his weight in a derogatory and negative way?

Never stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Life is too short to be miserable and it's better to be alone than in a relationship that isn't great.

I don't like the sound of this current man at all Beautifulpretty and I would bin him off immediately for making such crass comments towards you. I think staying with him would lead him into making similar about other aspects of your appearance; its a putdown to make him feel better about his own inadequate self. Its a red flag that cannot and should not be ignored or minimised by you.

Ime people feel
It’s ok to comment on thin, because it’s perceived/ portrayed in media as being the ideal. But he’s added a twist with the ageing thing.
I’d call him on it

You do need to have a conversation with him about it. He may not realise how the references to your weight are coming across to you; some dieters can’t talk, or think, about anything else other than food/weight/calories. It could just be thoughtless on his part, but you won’t know until you ask him.

I worked with a guy who was really huge and he had a gastric band fitted and lost quite a bit. When I knew him he was in the process of putting it all back on.

I've never known anyone so critical of the way women looked. He had a comment to make about every single person and unless they were about 1/3rd his own weight, he'd slag them off. He used to watch what everyone ate, too - his eyes would be darting around all the bloody time, watching and commenting. Awful

If it was a health concern (which he'd have a bloody cheek to have, but there you go) then he would have said something health related, but the word 'frail' to me is clearly designed to make you sound and feel old. I'm thin, low BMI and sporty, sometimes people make negative comments but usually it's the classic ones around me being 'skinny' or needing 'fattening up'. I have never heard frail. I'm 38 for reference.