Am I being over sensitive ?

[Beautifulpretty]

Back story: two years ago I split up from my H when I discovered he was having an affair with someone 30 years younger. We are in our late 50s and not having the future I thought we’d have has been pretty devastating.

I have picked myself up, moved into a lovely little cottage and trying to readjust. This is relevant not a stealth boast, I’ve always tried to look after myself and enjoy sport and horse riding , I’m small frame and low end of BMI scale. Anyway I’ve started dating someone who I met on holiday a few months ago. I’d never met him before but he actually lives two streets away. He is in his early 50s and we get on very well. It’s just he sometimes makes references about my weight and age and at the weekend said he hopes I don’t lose any weight because with my age I’d start to look frail. To put this in context we talk a lot about weight as he is obese and has lost four stones but needs to lose another six. He is doing really well and I try and encourage him for health reasons.

So am I being over sensitive? I realise I might be because my self esteem has suffered because of what happened with my H.

Tell him that his comments have upset you and see how he reacts. He may have meant something a bit differently.
I’ve said similar to my mum as I’m genuinely worried that she’s underweight; it’s the part about looking frail that you need to know more about. Is it about how you look or is he worried that you would be frail in the way I worry about my mum and not have any reserves if she became ill

If it was a one off comment then maybe it wouldn't be so concerning, but it sounds like it's fairly regular, as you say he sometimes makes comments about your weight and age.

There's no way you are ever going to look frail in your 50's unless you have a serious health condition or disability. However you are active and healthy.

Who knows why he is doing it, but I suspect that he feels threatened by your weight and health. If he still has 6 stone to lose then he is dangerously overweight (good on him for losing 4 though). He is probably worried that you don't find him attractive enough. I would have a serious chat with him and tell him how his comments make you feel. If he is devastated at the thought of upsetting you, and ensures that he stops talking to you in this way, then ok. However if he starts saying that he didn't mean it that way, that you are being too sensitive, that you're reading too much into things, then that's not good at all.

What are his personal circumstances? Why did his previous relationship end? Be careful OP, there's something that's not sounding quite right here, to me.

Thanks for all your comments, they’ve certainly made me think. The word frail makes me think of “infirm” and “decrepit “ and I don’t want to perceived in that way. I’m pretty fit and not on any medication and feel like this is a new start.

The previous thing he said was “I’ll lose all this weight and you’ll hold me back”. He said it as a joke because he wanted to do something and I was less enthusiastic as I was tired. I must admit I haven’t got as much energy as I used to but then I’ve been through such an emotional rollercoaster after finding out my H was cheating on me. I feel that,under the circumstances I’m doing well.

I don’t know, I’m just unsure about everything that maybe I’m looking for reasons to cause problems. It’s just I ignored so many red flags in my marriage I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes

I'd dump him. He clearly feels superior in some way. I couldn't be doing with that.

There are plenty of decent men out there who will cherish you and make you feel fantastic. Don't stay with someone who makes you feel inferior in anyway. The only thing he's got over you is the fact he's 5 years younger.

He's very overweight, and although he's losing it now, the chances are he will pile it all back on, and you'll be lumbered with an obese partner with myriad health issues for years to come.

Cut him adrift now. Find someone worthwhile to spend the rest of your life with.

Personally I’d just tell him that had he known you for any length of time he’d know you weren’t losing weight and have maintained your physique and are not just slim but also fit and healthy thanks to your lifestyle.

Shoveling shit and the core need to actually ride rather than simply be a passenger is great. Who needs the gym!

I just think if he was my age or older he wouldn’t have mentioned it, it felt like he was highlighting the age difference

So today I have told him his comment upset me and he’s very apologetic saying he was just joking. Can he genuinely believe that I’ll find his passing comment ( whilst pulling a pained expression) how thin my arms are and how I’ll look frail when I’m 60 funny?

I realise I’m vulnerable at the moment and taking things to heart but I couldn’t help yesterday, when my friend visited me comparing her lovely shapely limbs to my spindly ones. I just can’t do anything about my frame

Prior to this relationship I was dating someone who was approaching 60. I intuitively picked up on the fact he was sensitive about it and I wouldn’t have dreamt of teasing him. He had just been widowed.

I think if you’re approaching big birthdays from a secure and happy place they’re not daunting because you feel part of a family and loved but it’s different when you’ve been through a sad event and feel a bit lonely

You have achieved so much in moving on from your ex, please don’t put up with second best with this new man. He has shown you what he is like by being rude to you, so please believe him.
You deserve someone who is kind and complementary. I think you should move on. Good luck.

He wasn't joking though was he?

It's called negging and it's a method of control. Back away and reevaluate the relationship, and look to see if 5here are any other red flags.

In every other way he’s been kind and considerate, I just don’t think relationships are worth the effort sometimes or maybe I’m just in a negative mood. I feel really sad today