Am I a horrible wife???

[drained1]

Firstly, I'm not a horrible wife. I'm anything but that. But I'm well and truly drained with dh. And this is where I feel I'm horrible.

We are both in our 30's. At the start of the year dh was diagnosed with a life long condition - won't mention what it is just so I don't be outed. This is a painful but not life threatening condition in the slightest. It's quite rare to get it so young. He's been taking the proper medication for it for about 7 months now which is working but gives him not nice side effects.

On top of this, he's convinced there's something wrong with his spine. He had spine surgery a few years ago and he thinks he needs another operation (though a recent mri scan shows that he doesn't but he doesn't believe it).

He constantly moans. And I mean constantly. From the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed. He still works full time in a manual job. I feel awful saying it but right now, I look forward to him going to work and dread him coming home.

Because all we talk about is the pain he's in. That's it. It starts the minute he either wakes up or gets in from work. He says 'oh I'm hurting here today', then will spend the next 15 minutes telling me exactly where it hurts and how it feels. Then will ask me why it's hurting - like I'm a doctor and I should have all the answers.

His work mates have started to have a dig at home for constantly whinging and have lost all sympathy for him.

I had my 3rd child a few weeks ago and I'm tired. I'm recovering from a c section (though I have to say I've recovered very well and have no pain what so ever now) and trying to deal with my new life as a mum of 3. He helps with the baby but if he's in too much pain then I doing everything. I don't stop. And when i do stop to sit down then he starts talking about the pain and where it hurts today.

He's stopped being loving towards me, stopped even speaking to me about anything else other than his pain. It's just taken over his life and now our marriage is suffering too. I can't be there for him anymore than I am but it's like it's not enough.

He's just been to then doctors and rang me with how it went, he's been referred to some sort of physio therapy. We were on the phone for 17 minutes - I heard the whole story of his pain again. I'd heard it this morning, and last night about 4 times and yesterday morning etc etc etc.....oh god am I just being horrible?

The thing is, he is in pain. I know he is and it must be awful for him. But I feel like that means I have to be ok all the time. I'm holding everyone and everything together but I feel so suffocated too. I can't have a bad day, and even if I did, it wouldn't be as bad as him.

I'm on antibiotics at the moment due to an infection which I told him about. He's not even bothered to ask how I'm feeling. But in all honesty, he would just think I'm fine as I'm there cooking or cleaning or doing washing or seeing to the baby or the kids constantly.

He goes to work and he works hard. He's working this weekend to get extra money for Christmas.

I don't know, I don't even know what to say or even if what I've written makes sense. I'm just one tired and drained mum.

I've stopped being myself around him now and the atmosphere at home isn't good. This morning he said he was fed up and I said I was too. He was shocked and asked why! He genuinely doesn't see that I'm suffering too. It wasn't the time to talk as he was just leaving for work. But I did say I feel like everything I suggest I wrong and everything I do is wrong and he said it wasn't and he does appreciate me.

Before he got ill, he was a different person. Now it's just a life of either not speaking or whinging.....and we've got a new baby. Life's great..... :-(

My problem is I don't say how I'm feeling. I don't like to burden anyone with my problems and I'm one to just carry on and not moan. He's the opposite, he will tell anyone and everyone all about his condition and the pain he's in. I can often see people having sympathy for him but after 5 mins of listening to him, they get fed up.

That's all anyway, rant over. Soz this is so long x

I have a pain condition. In in pain most of the day, every day. But honestly, I don't talk about it unless there's actually something DH can do to help. If he's ill, I still support him and look after him. One person's illness doesn't diminish the other's. His tiredness doesn't trump yours.

Has he been referred to the pain clinic? Mine helped when the GP ran out of options.

I think he needs to know exactly how all this is making you feel. 3 kids and a caesarian aren't exactly easy to deal with, and you need a turn to moan occasionally. Do you have family who could help if your partner isn't able to?

Yeah I have plenty of support from my mum. In all honesty, I manage ok. But my mum is a great support too.

I'm not sure what it is he has been referred too - he said the name but I can't remember. He's got some paperwork he's bringing home with him which explains it all.

The thing is, part of me is beginning to think it's all or at least part of it is in his head (not the medical condition but the side effects and the pain on his spine) because he talks about it that much.

He was so shocked when his mri came back fine. I wasn't. I was pretty sure it would do.

Oh sounds horrible ,and you sound lovely btw. Has he ever had a pain management course. A friend went on one and they teach how to live with a long term condition. I know you dont want to be a bitch,but I think it is time for you to have a gentle, honest conversation with him, worded in a way that you aren't being mean, but explain that his illness also has an effect on you as well !

No you are not horrible at all! You’re doing well to put up with it this long without snapping at him.
Would it be possible for you to have someone come in and mind the kids even for a couple of hours so you can take some time out for yourself?
I know it’s awful for him being in constant pain but you have just had a baby you must be exhausted too - it’s possible the pain has made him oblivious to this. You need to sit and talk to him, tell him how you feel.
Mind yourself

Agree that you need to sit him down and explain (gently) that as sympathetic as you are...

You have 3 DC to look after and he's starting to feel like your 4th.

You have been ill too and he didn't bother to ask how you were feeling.

You appreciate he is in pain, but you do not need a minute-by-minute update continuously, because it is exhausting, it makes you stressed and makes you feel like you are not doing enough to help him - remind him again you have THREE CHILDREN to look after while all he's talking about is the pain he is in.

His condition is for life and he needs to start managing it better - there is help available for him to do this. It is affecting your marriage and family and not in a good way - it doesn't have to be like this.

There was nothing wrong with his spine as the MRI scan showed - does he think it is possible that he is becoming slightly hypochondriac due to the diagnosis of his long-term condition?

Being ill does not give him a right to be so self-centred - you are a family and his needs do not trump everyone else's.

Good luck, sounds like a really stressful situation. Rest assured you are not coming across as a bitch in the slightest. You sound lovely, just at the end of your tether.

Ahh thanks for these replies. In all honesty, I'm proud of myself with how I'm coping. I'm managing ok :-)

Today we were even early for school! And I managed to tidy the before we left. I was like 'oh I'm winning at life here' but then I get the phone call from dh and I just feel trapped again. Trapped Maine isn't the right word. But I do have to stop myself from snapping at him.

Me snapping won't do anything good. It will just make us both feel shit and the atmosphere worse.....though it may give me a break from the whining lol.....if I don't laugh then I'll cry.

From what I said this morning, I'll try do as suggested and have a gentle word when he gets home. Though he's working late again tonight to earn extra money - and this is where I feel like a bitch again :-(

I'm in exactly the same position and it's driving me mad. 

Can he back off the extra work for the moment? I’m wondering if both of you can find a bit more simple joy (as well as the gentle word). There are pain management services etc and CBT can help.

Has he tried mindfulness for chronic pain?

One of the main catalysts for the whole mindfulness movement bringing brough to the west was the doctor Jon Kabit Zin (spelling??) - he started his 8 week programme to help people to manage chronic pain.

The NHS is huge on mindfulness at the moment.

Its definitely not the solution - but there is a LOT of evidence that mindfulness can be an excellent way to help manage chronic pain.

Suggest he goes to the doctor and asks for a referral to go on an 8 week mindfulness for chronic pain course.

psychcentral.com/lib/using-mindfulness-to-approach-chronic-pain/

Maybe there is more going on with him than pain. I think he needs to do some kind of therapy to get to the bottom of it. In my experience, people who talk all the time about their illness, or obsess in disproportionate fashion about any other single supposed cause of all their misery, do it as a kind of displacement activity for something else they are unhappy about but cannot face or express. I'm not an expert on different types of therapies but maybe some posters on here will make suggestions.

No advice but I’m at the end of my tether when DH has a cold for a couple of days! It must be utterly exhausting for you. Could you show him this thread?

@puddingjuly feel for you, it's hard isn't it?

@HappyHedgehog247 and others who have suggested we go out - it's a good idea. We have a nice pub that's a few doors down that we never go in so will ask my mum if she can baby sit one night. I'm breast feeding so don't want to leave baby for too long.

He isn't the type to turn down work, that's part of his problem. I have asked him but he always says we need the money, which we do.

Such a relief talking on here! Feel like a weight has been lifted already so thank you x

I feel like showing him this thread. I've just had to ring him about something to do with myself and he got all short with me and acted like I was wasting his time! He always says love you at the end of every phone call but I didn't get that either. Now I'm angry again.

Anyway baby is asleep so I've just made a giant cup of tea and a packet of biscuits and going to enjoy some peace while I can.

Thanks everyone x

I would actually sit him down and tell while you are sorry he has X and is in pain that does not mean he can dismiss you as he is now.

I think he is saying I love you out of habit rather then because he means it.

He needs to understand that him dwelling on what parts hurts today is not doing your relationship any good and he needs to put it and his children before himself.

If he hasn't been referred to the pain clinic then I think that would be a good thing to push for. Perhaps physio will help, also. I don't know what his condition is, but a lot of people become trapped by their pain and stop doing things which would help (for example someone with arthritis may avoid physical activity or moving through certain ranges of motion, and then lose strength and flexibility, when they need those things long term). The fear of exacerbating the pain can become quite relentless.

Pain is attentional. There is a lot you can do to help manage pain without invasive (high risk) procedures on the basis of no evidence. Have you ever gone to the Dr with him? I wonder if his GP might be able to offer him more support if he understood how much his condition was affecting his social life, etc. He may not have admitted that it is almost all he talks about.

Not the same, but someone I know has a MH condition. All they talk about, almost, is the things related to their psychosis. Now it isn't their fault that they are ill. Those things are so real for them. And they are somewhat engaged with MH services to help themselves. They still believe the things they're talking about are real...But have now started to take steps to try and talk about it less because they realise the effect it's having on their family and friends. Their psychologist persuaded them that stopping talking about it doesn't mean he's admitting it's not real, but that they needed to talk about other things to maintain their relationships. Needed to have a sense of self beyond their illness (or what for them isn't their illness but their rather odd personal circumstances of being spied on etc).

You say he is on meds for his condition but is he taking pain meds? I don’t mean painkillers for short term use like diazapam but longer term meds such as Amitryptaline? They don’t tend to have long term side effects and work well for pain conditions. In my opinion he should be actively trying to manage the pain, rather than talking about it all the time.

There are lots of pain management options- PM course with CBT, tens machine (depending on type of pain), massage (again pain dependent) acupuncture, meditation. There are good books on pain management.

I’ve known people like this, and when you ask what they’re doing to manage the pain they basically say nothing- I’ve had people say they wouldn’t go on amitryptaline because they don’t want to mask the pain and it’s not good to be dependent on meds. I live with chronic pain and think this is nonsense- you should do whatever you need to do, to live as ordinary a life as possible- otherwise you will lose your spark, your relationships and possibly your job. Far better to take control of pain. It’s not easy but plenty of people manage it.

Sorry I meant tramadol- not diazepam

You say he is on meds for his condition but is he taking pain meds? I don’t mean painkillers for short term use like diazapam but longer term meds such as Amitryptaline? They don’t tend to have long term side effects and work well for pain conditions.

They can work well, but side effects could mean not a good idea depending on what his manual job is.

The doctor won't prescribe him with anything. He just takes ibuprofen and paracetamol and sometimes codine. I was really hoping he would come away with some sort of meds this morning but the doctor says no. He also does a very manual job so he is afraid to take painkillers in case he does more damage when working which i do understand.

I'll wait until he gets home to see what he's been referred too. It's like he does just talk about it constantly but does nothing to help himself which I tell him quite a lot. Whatever he's been referred too, they will do excerises with him and possibly give him some injections to help the pain.

You sound like an amazing wife, you’re keeping everything going despite your own problems and being supportive too. Could he be depressed? I think a lot of men dwell on physical symptoms when actually it’s their mood that is the underlying issue, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he’s been recently diagnosed with a chronic illness. But getting them to accept that can be hard. Has he done any kind of depression screening? There are quizzes online which helped my DH to face reality when he was in a similar position.

To be honest, apart from stronger NSAIDs (naproxen, etc, with their own side effects) most of the pain meds routinely prescribed have differing levels of sedation associated with them. None of us have his medical history but my previous area of work put me in routine contact with people addicted to prescription pain killers (and importantly still in significant pain), it's always a fine balance between treating pain and creating other issues, so I wouldn't be too disappointed with no meds (at this stage).

Yes you’re both right- some painkillers at higher doses and manual jobs don’t mix.

Perhaps he is also scared about the future, getting depressed and worried about doing a manual job with his condition and pain. This might be exacerbating his reactions to pain.

People need to be committed to pain management programmes for them to work- you need to be highly motivated and it’s a lot of work. They are not a panacea- there is no quick fix, so he needs to be in the right frame of mind when he starts.

So you had a C section and got no sympathy yet you are expected to sympathise with him for something that medical tests have said isn't a problem and for which his GP won't prescribe anything? It's a wonder you haven't murdered him.

@dirtybadger I agree that long term painkillers aren’t a solution alone- but addiction is managed through dose. But they work well in conjunction with other appropriate measures such as mind/CBT work, exercise, limiting certain activities (eg where repetitive strain or stress occurs etc) plus lots of other options.

I just wanna be clear that going on long term painkillers is a viable option that doesn’t make you a drug addict- it can help you live a normal life. I feel it’s a bit of a tabboo - a bit like long term anti depressants use. If you need it, you need it. They are life enhancing for many. Even at a lower dose, a painkiller can take the edge off the pain just enough to enable you to ignore the pain and get on with your daily life. They are a lifesaver for many people.