Am I a horrible wife???

[drained1]

Firstly, I'm not a horrible wife. I'm anything but that. But I'm well and truly drained with dh. And this is where I feel I'm horrible.

We are both in our 30's. At the start of the year dh was diagnosed with a life long condition - won't mention what it is just so I don't be outed. This is a painful but not life threatening condition in the slightest. It's quite rare to get it so young. He's been taking the proper medication for it for about 7 months now which is working but gives him not nice side effects.

On top of this, he's convinced there's something wrong with his spine. He had spine surgery a few years ago and he thinks he needs another operation (though a recent mri scan shows that he doesn't but he doesn't believe it).

He constantly moans. And I mean constantly. From the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed. He still works full time in a manual job. I feel awful saying it but right now, I look forward to him going to work and dread him coming home.

Because all we talk about is the pain he's in. That's it. It starts the minute he either wakes up or gets in from work. He says 'oh I'm hurting here today', then will spend the next 15 minutes telling me exactly where it hurts and how it feels. Then will ask me why it's hurting - like I'm a doctor and I should have all the answers.

His work mates have started to have a dig at home for constantly whinging and have lost all sympathy for him.

I had my 3rd child a few weeks ago and I'm tired. I'm recovering from a c section (though I have to say I've recovered very well and have no pain what so ever now) and trying to deal with my new life as a mum of 3. He helps with the baby but if he's in too much pain then I doing everything. I don't stop. And when i do stop to sit down then he starts talking about the pain and where it hurts today.

He's stopped being loving towards me, stopped even speaking to me about anything else other than his pain. It's just taken over his life and now our marriage is suffering too. I can't be there for him anymore than I am but it's like it's not enough.

He's just been to then doctors and rang me with how it went, he's been referred to some sort of physio therapy. We were on the phone for 17 minutes - I heard the whole story of his pain again. I'd heard it this morning, and last night about 4 times and yesterday morning etc etc etc.....oh god am I just being horrible?

The thing is, he is in pain. I know he is and it must be awful for him. But I feel like that means I have to be ok all the time. I'm holding everyone and everything together but I feel so suffocated too. I can't have a bad day, and even if I did, it wouldn't be as bad as him.

I'm on antibiotics at the moment due to an infection which I told him about. He's not even bothered to ask how I'm feeling. But in all honesty, he would just think I'm fine as I'm there cooking or cleaning or doing washing or seeing to the baby or the kids constantly.

He goes to work and he works hard. He's working this weekend to get extra money for Christmas.

I don't know, I don't even know what to say or even if what I've written makes sense. I'm just one tired and drained mum.

I've stopped being myself around him now and the atmosphere at home isn't good. This morning he said he was fed up and I said I was too. He was shocked and asked why! He genuinely doesn't see that I'm suffering too. It wasn't the time to talk as he was just leaving for work. But I did say I feel like everything I suggest I wrong and everything I do is wrong and he said it wasn't and he does appreciate me.

Before he got ill, he was a different person. Now it's just a life of either not speaking or whinging.....and we've got a new baby. Life's great..... :-(

My problem is I don't say how I'm feeling. I don't like to burden anyone with my problems and I'm one to just carry on and not moan. He's the opposite, he will tell anyone and everyone all about his condition and the pain he's in. I can often see people having sympathy for him but after 5 mins of listening to him, they get fed up.

That's all anyway, rant over. Soz this is so long x

I have a chronic condition that leaves me in pain all the time. But honestly I don't talk about it unless it's a new thing.
Your husband needs to realise that his needs do not trump yours and his condition does not rule your life.
A Manual job and strong painkillers do not mix, his job may be preventing him having adequate pain relief. Is there any scope for his retraining/having a less physical role at work?
I think you should show him this thread, he doesn't need to suffer in silence but no one wants to hear about it 24/7. And fwiw I think you sound lovely.

I appreciate that purple. Apologies. I appreciate that the vast majority of people on painkillers are not psychologically dependent. But as it sounds like OPs DH has only just had offers of any treatment beyond OTC painkillers and what I meant was that the first treatment doesn't necessarily have to be stronger medicines.

OP I could have written your post except that we have no family support and only two kids. We get from day to day, every day he is in pain and frustrated. Interactions with him cast a black cloud over the day whatever my mood before it. I do not have the emotional energy to really engage with it. He goes to the GP again and again but nothing changes except the drugs occasionally. It must be absolutely dreadful for him, but the toll it takes on us all is heavy.

Please ask his GP to refer him to the chronic pain clinic, run by consultant anaesthetists, at your local hospital.
It’s the only way to get a full and proper assessment of his pain, and the correct management plan. The doctors there have access to medication beyond what your GP can prescribe, and also clinical psychologists who can train your DH in ways of living with and minimising his pain. Many of the best drugs for chronic pain are not actually pain killers, but instead affect the way the brain processes pain.
Try to be gentle with him, even though I know you must be thoroughly fed up with the constant dwelling on symptoms and regular updates. Chronic pain is exhausting, depressing and demoralising. Your poor DH turns to you for support, and much as you want to snap, it’s more helpful if you can encourage him to focus on things that distract from the pain, or direct him to websites that explain cognitive techniques to help him manage it better.

Maybe you could have a look for local support groups for people with chronic pain and he could go to one of those and talk about it as much as he likes.

I feel for you. DP has hurt two different areas of his body in the past year (not serious but painful and needs physio) and I try and be sympathetic but when it's EVERY SINGLE DAY and THE SAME THING BEING MOANED it can be so so boring and miserable. You'd love to fix it but can't, will sympathise but there's only so bloody much you can listen too.

Have a rant and breathe. It helps a bit.

I have suffered from chronic pain for around 5 years and have learnt that nobody is interested, so it’s pointless telling them! I do realise that your DH’s might be worse though, and I agree with a pp that it can be exhausting, depressing and demoralising.

After initially letting the pain dictate my life, I am very proactive about managing the pain these days. I take CBD oil daily, and 10mg of Amitriptyline on bad evenings, to help me sleep. I also think my pain threshold has raised itself in response to it being pretty much continuous.

I keep moving too. I’m not particularly good at it, but I find the stretchy nature of yoga very beneficial.

He can’t just moan pointlessly- he needs to at least try to do something about it.

Thanks so much for the replies. Lots of good advice and ideas to definitely take on board. It wouldn't be so bad if he was actually willing to try things that may help but he doesn't.

I'm going to talk to him tonight and fingers crossed we might get some where

I second pain mgmt including psychology. He's making it worse for himself by talking about it all the time

@PsychedelicSheep totally agree. He's in pain so he talks about it which makes him feel worse which puts him in a crappy mood. It's a vicious circle. Defo going to suggest pain management if that isn't what he's been referred too, thank you

Ok he's in pain, he managed to work and do over time though eh; he's out of order OP, you are doing the bulk of caring for the kids, he never even asked how you were feeling from your infection; not sure how you go about it but honestly, I couldn't stand it myself; he's taking his frustration out on you, not right, not fair, and not on.

Ok he's in pain, he managed to work and do over time though eh

Prehaps because they need the money

for you OP. It's horrible for you both.

Short term pain for long term gain. Upset him tonight by speaking bluntly and then hopefully your marriage will survive. Keep quiet and the resentment and frustration will eventually result in you losing all sympathy and respect for him.

Sounds like he is depressed to me.

I’m heavily pregnant, had a shit pregnancy with preeclampsia, SPD and horrific sickness. But i don’t mention t to people, only very rarely if relevant as my mood is fine IYSWIM.

Often people with depression experience pain to a more severe degree and are more distressed by it than those without. Often in my experience people who struggle to talk about their emotions and feelings can express their distress through pain or physical symptoms.

Why not have a chat with him abut his mood tonight? No need to challenge him, just say: you seem really down at the moment, I bet the condition and pain are enough to make anyone feel low. Do you think you could be depressed?

SillySally, Yeah I do realise that, like we all do, my point is the pain has not stopped him from working full time and doing over time.

Well so far he's come home in a goodish mood. Not mentioned any pain. No moaning. Changed a nappy.....and generally a better mood.

Not sure wether he's realised how I'm feeling or if he just feels better he's been referred for some help.

Will see what the rest of the night/morning brings but right now I don't feel it's right I say anything. I was actually feeling quite nervous about him coming home as I hate atmosphere's......but there isn't one

Good, glad to hear it. How was the rest of your evening @drained1 ?

Glad he was better last night. A few things occur to me that I don't think have been mentioned as such:

I do wonder how much of what you describe could be psychosomatic. I'm not sure where to send you for help with that. Woebot is a free app on messenger you could send him to. Or Mindgym website - You have to pay but it's not too much. Buddhify app has a section of short meditations on pain and illness which I find help my migraines. In short, when you focus on and resist pain, it's more painful. If he talks about it all day, he's probably making it worse for himself. That's not to minimise what he's going through - and pain can be all consuming, I get that. But look how many people on this thread are going through chronic severe pain and decided to shut up about the pain for other people's sakes. There has got to be a middle ground, where he can tell you what's bothering him today but not drag and bog you down in it.

It's okay to say to him calmly that you are having a bad day/week/month yourself and can't be the person he can complain to right now. He has workmates, presumably friends and family, and/or can self-soothe god it's like dealing with a child sometimes. I'm certain there must be online forums for support forpeople with his condition or chronic pain - if he still needs to talk about it when you've said you're not emotionally available to.that right now, he can go to one of them to let off steam.

I think I'd also suggest to you, don't wait to be asked by him how you are. If you are exhausted, at the end of your tether with the child, in pain, feeling grotty with infection, tell him. Be proactive in telling him you've got shit going on. And maybe it will also take him a few times of being told "I'm sorry, but for the reason I mentioned earlier, I can't cope with listening to you about your pain right now. Maybe if you still need to talk, Bob or the internet forum is the place to go" and pre-suppose compliance with "thank you so much for understanding, your such a considerate husband".

Not much else to say really, be was fine when he came in but as the night went on he became quieter. Went to bed and just rolled over and went to sleep without speaking to me.

Didn't really speak to me this morning either. Just a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

Thing is, he's usually loving and caring despite his pain. I'm really questioning our marriage now and wonder if he does actually want to be with me. He's struggling to bond with the baby too

Oh dear. That's not so good.

I think you still need to speak to him as you planned.

Yeah I do. I can't go on like this either. The not knowing what he's thinking or feeling and giving is awful. I am well and truly an over thinker though which I will fully admit too.

Sounds like he’s so wrapped up in his condition and pain that he doesn’t have anything else to talk to you about. Not even the new baby at this point.

As others have said? You need to thrash it out with him. It sounds like he needs to go to pain mgmt clinic and maybe also a councillor to talk about his mental health and how this illness is affecting him.

But you also need to talk between you. He needs to support you too, his illness doesn’t trump anything you go through. You’ve just had major surgery, by way of a C section and he should have been helping you. No wonder he’s not bonding with the baby if he’s not showing an interest either or helping you. You shouldn’t be doing all this on his own and meeting all his needs

You are not a horrible wife OP. You sound like a saint! I have a friend like your husband. She's been ill with one thing or another for 18+ years. She is in pain, no doubt, although she's had every test going and everything comes back negative. She talks about her aches and pains constantly. If I scroll through our past texts to each other most of mine say "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that" or "you poor thing that's awful, hope you feel better soon", I honestly don't know what to say. Most of her posts on social media are about her problems; what a bad night she had, what's hurting today. If we meet up most of the conversation is taken up discussing her physical problems. Her DS has never known her to not be ill. Her husband, who is a lovely bloke and a good friend of ours too, has basically switched off from her, she admits this. He comes home from work and is on the phone or the computer all evening until he goes to bed. She leaves post-it notes around the place telling him what sort of night she had, how many times she was up with the pain (they sleep separately).

It's a very destructive mindset that negatively affects everyone in the family. Your DH needs to be made aware that you have issues and concerns of your own, and while you sympathise it serves no purpose to constantly draw attention to his symptoms He needs to alter his focus away from his aches and pains, because he is only magnifying the problem by dwelling on it. It sounds like man-flu x 1000 and I for one could not live like that for very long.

It sounds like man-flu x 1000

Maybe you missed the bit of the OP that said he does have a lifelong painful condition.

It's not 'man flu' FFS.

Maybe you missed the bit of the OP that said he does have a lifelong painful condition. It's not 'man flu' FFS.

What I meant was, his constant moaning, over an extended period, is like a far worse, extended version of how many men complain when they are ill with a cold. I didn't mean the health problems he has are equivalent to flu. FFS

I have a chronic back condition. I don't moan about it, I just live with it. Very few people ask me how I am, not even my DH, unless he can see I'm in pain, but then I haven't told many people so if I cancel a social engagement if my back is very bad, they just think it's a stomach bug, headache or something. I don't want to talk about it, it's boring and I don't want pity. My friend who talks about her aches and pains relentlessly has no idea I struggle with my back.