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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband in love with someone he's never met

48 replies

GallowayGirl · 16/10/2018 21:42

And it has broken our marriage.

I know this is mumsnet but please go easy on me, first post even though I've been lurking in the depths for a while. My Idiot husband (definitely not DH) has been talking to a woman he met on online groups for 2 years now, they formed a good friendship and as our marriage was on the rocks he got closer and closer to her and is now "in love" with her.
He still loves me and thought we could all just be one big fucking happy family together (polygamy has come up in conversation in the past). That will never happen, I can't stand her and he knows this. They have been "in love" for about a month and I knew from the beginning but only confronted him yesterday, he admitted it and told me he wants us both and loves us both but as she lives in America it will probably never happen. She told him when the feelings started that she would move over here and we could all be together. She is rather unstable and unhappy with her life and he could give her a family and children which is all she wants.

I am in such a mess over this, yes our marriage isn't great but we have a almost one year old DS and another child on the way. We were working on it and I though it was going well, then he started to spend all his time staring at his phone/laptop talking to her. I had so many plans in place for us to give us a better life, I am studying full time through OU, raising our child, having a nightmare pregnancy and he still expects me to deal with this. I don't know what to do, I want him to be happy and if she can offer that I don't want to stand in the way but at the same time I still love him dearly I don't want to stop fighting for my marriage and I don't want to be a single mother to a newborn, nevermind the 2 under 2 part. I am such a mess just now, I can't eat, sleep or think straight.

Sorry this is so jumbled, please if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

OP posts:

butterfly56 · 16/10/2018 21:57

You do know that this is extreme emotional abuse OP don't you?!
He is putting you through a living hell.
You cannot fight for a marriage that isn't a marriage by any stretch of the imagination!
Have you got any support from family?

Loving him does not change the fact that this selfish excuse for a man is an absolute arsehole.

You have 2 choices stay or leave(or kick him out).

hopefulmama36 · 16/10/2018 21:58

Sorry to hear you find yourself in such an awful place. I can't begin to imagine how you're coping with this. But I would honestly say if it were me I'd be seriously considering the future of my marriage.

LinoleumBlownapart · 16/10/2018 21:58

Do you love him? You have said he still loves you but not that you love him. Instead of saying you love him, you have said that you have a 1 year old and a baby on the way. Is this the reason(s) you are staying with him?

LinoleumBlownapart · 16/10/2018 22:00

Sorry you did say you love him dearly.
You know he has to make the decision to end his relationship with her and if he can't do that then you cannot move forward.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 22:02

Why on earth would you love someone who is cheating on you, in love with someone else, planning to impregnate someone else and who is stupid enough to think he can bring someone over from America to be his bit on the side.

Tell him to fuck off. I know that leaves you pregnant and with a baby but it also leaves you free of a man who is out to destroy your mental health.

NotANotMan · 16/10/2018 22:03

The thing is that you can't fight for someone who wants someone else.
The way to fight for your marriage is to give up on it. Send him away. If he comes to his senses you can consider where to go from there.

Lionsandtiger · 16/10/2018 22:03

Sorry OP what a horrible way for a man to behave. He is meant to be your husband and he's putting you through this?! Have you got family or friends who can help you and you can explain this to? I really think he's never going to be any good to you. His behaviour is cruel and vile.

Original poster

GallowayGirl · 16/10/2018 22:12

No family support, that's a whole other thread lol. I'm on my own and have been for years, my only friends are him and my mil and I obviously can't go to her with this.

He kept saying he didn't know what to do. He is depressed and won't get help, he thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy and that I deserve more than him.

I made a plan and told him that we would separate as things aren't going well and she could be with him. This situation is so fucked and I don't want to go into every detail as I would be here forever but I have a horrible past and he helped me through so much, I caused his depression and I don't know how to fix it. I'm finally on the other side and able to live my life but every time it gets good something always ruins it.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 22:19

You didn't cause his depression, ffs.

And why not tell his mum? If she's good to you, she'd be on your side.

The fact is that she can't be with him unless he or she are very wealthy. You can't just come into the country and live here - don't you read the news?

tenredthings · 16/10/2018 22:27

He's being a complete dick, he clearly can't be "in love" with someone he's never met, but he's putting you through hell. Tell him he has to leave now ! It should make him come to his senses and end the fantasy affair and then you can, if you choose to, work on your marriage, either that or he'll leave in which case you will be at least able to cope without him messing with your head. If he leaves to join her be prepared for him to come crawling back a few weeks / months down the line, full of regret and self pity ! Don't allow the situation to drag on any longer, call him out on his bullshit fantasy and tell him to go.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/10/2018 22:37

OP, buy him a one ticket to the US. His great romance won't last five minutes. He is 'in love' with an ideal, which is completely at odds with reality.
However, if you like the idea of a polygamous arrangement then go for it.
Doesn't sounds like you do though...
OP, being a single parent hard work (like parenting in general) but wonderful in many ways. You don't have to deal with assholes like your husband and your life (with the children) is your own.
Bin the dick!

Sciurus83 · 16/10/2018 22:38

Oh sweetheart you didn't cause his depression, not at all. He is treating you horribly, you are a pregnant mother and this is an enormous strain he is putting on you when you are vulnerable. It is vile, selfish behaviour, you must consider whether you would be better on your own

SandyY2K · 16/10/2018 22:40

Polygamy? Howabout you having another man too and all 4 of you can live together.

Having another man around to give you attention would be great right? If my husban so much as suggested polygamy..with his OW in mind .. I'd be done with the marriage. Absolute bloody cheek.

He might as well do it while the kids are young.

Is that something he'll be okay with, or is it just him who gets to have another woman?

One person can't fight for a marriage?

Butterymuffin · 16/10/2018 22:48

The way to fight for your marriage is to give up on it. Send him away. If he comes to his senses you can consider where to go from there.

I agree this is your best chance. I would tell your MIL what's going on too. If she's a decent person she will support you and her grandkids.

Original poster

GallowayGirl · 17/10/2018 00:43

MIL will always support her son and her grandchildren. She'll call him an idiot but at the end of the day it's her son and a lot happened when he was young that made her spoil him. She does it with grandchild too.

The polygamy thing is something he loves the idea of. We're both idealists and the thought of it is appealing but we view it in vastly different ways.

I'm talking to the OW who is scarily similar to me. Out of all the people in the world he found the fucking Californian version of me. She doesn't want to break up a family and is sorry she ever let it get that far. It's such a typical response and I actually feel sorry for her.
My marriage was over a long time ago I think it just needed this final push. We're taking a break at least. He's moving out at the weekend. It's on my DS's bloody birthday too.
Thank you for all the responses. I have calmed down a bit and don't feel as bad about it now. I just needed to vent. And cry. A lot.

OP posts:

Graphista · 17/10/2018 01:34

Ugh aside from the fact he's probably being catfished - he's shown you no loyalty or consideration just dump his sorry, teenage, unrealistic, stupid arse!

I'd absolutely go to mil with this! She might bring him to his bloody senses! Mil may spoil him but I'll bet she's not stupid and will realise him fucking up your marriage could well equal her seeing less of her grandkids!

A huge dose of reality is what he needs!

notangelinajolie · 17/10/2018 01:38

Well you might love him but he most certainly does not love you. What on earth are you thinking? Seriously stop this now.

stayathomer · 17/10/2018 01:45

Again OP just to drive home that no matter what your past is you did not cause his depression. I'd agree you need to step away (and I rarely say that) he cannot love you both because if he loves you he should be willing to give his whole self to you, it's why you got married. Also is polygamy not illegal? And only for people in cults? Take care op. No matter what your past is you're mak up for it now with your hard work. As for friends, go to groups get out into the fresh air, you'll get there

flumpybear · 17/10/2018 02:48

Sounds like infatuation to me, never met her? Is he 9 ffs!
Sounds awful for you though, deep breath and start looking st living your own life for you and your children, he's not worth it!

Sally2791 · 17/10/2018 04:57

Please take legal advice to protect your finances before she fleeces him(and you)what a nightmare.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 17/10/2018 05:43

tenredthings Tue 16-Oct-18 22:27:47

EVERY. WORD. OF. THAT. ^

bluebird3 · 17/10/2018 05:56

While I think you would be entirely justified in ending the marriage, if you really want to keep trying then get to marriage counselling asap. He needs some outside insight into what he is doing, why is he dissatisfied in the marriage and the choices laid on the table for him. You or her, not both. Besides, it's highly unlikely she would get a visa to move over as she won't qualify for a fiancé/spouse visa as part of a polygamist relationship.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 17/10/2018 05:59

Also -

1: Absolutely tell your MIL - if she isn't appalled and skins him herself then it will at least leave you clear where you stand;

(Apologies, as I know these are hard nosed questions but you really need to try and get some clarity here and I know just how hard that is when you're in the thick of it )

2: Do you own a property together?

3: Was this 2nd pregnancy planned? You say stuff hasn't been good for a while so I'm guessing maybe not? I know this is virtually unsayable but I'm going to say it anyway - how many weeks are you and is this a pregnancy you want to continue? I know someone who was in a near identical situation (tho it was a 'real' OW) and she was 16 weeks pregnant. Years later she said she had wanted to end the pregnancy but was scared what 'people would think'; likewise it was the being pregnant and so tied to him (also had a DD just under 1 at the time so also 2 under 2) that stopped her leaving when she should have. It ended - as it was always inevitably going to do so - a few years later and it was all much much harder, simply as she was too scared to do what she felt was the right thing for her and existing DD.

4: All the stuff you've been building for 'us' is still so worth it, but for a different 'us' - you and your LO/LOs. When he leaves on Saturday, make sure you have a plan in place to get locks changed etc.

5: I say that as, whilst I'm not sure you see it, you are being superbly played here - just horrifically emotionally abused. I'm in zero doubt that he will do whatever he wants to do and if that's return in a few days, irrespective of what you want, then I think that's what he'll do so you need to protect yourself against that.

6: Please please PLEASE ring Womens Aid today - they are brilliant and they will help you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but it is happening and you need to work out what you want and act accordingly. You can be a great single parent and have a great life, you are not responsible for his depression and he has - very loudly and very clearly - told you what he thinks of you. Like they say, when someone tells you/shows you who they are, listen.

Spaceman1 · 17/10/2018 06:15

I have changed my username for this comment...
As a man, when my wife was having our second child, my whole world seemed to be changing so fast, and I felt really lost. Once the second child arrived and I had adjusted to having two children life was great again, but I do remember that period when I had a sense that my life was over. I wonder whether this is what your partner is going through?

MaverickSnoopy · 17/10/2018 06:16

You are being far too nice about this and are at risk of being walked all over. In fact I think you already are. Unless you're happy to accept "them" then I think you are only hurting yourself. I think you're in total panic mode (who wouldn't be in your shoes) and you're desperately trying to find a way forward without alienating him.

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