Husband in love with someone he's never met

[GallowayGirl]

And it has broken our marriage.

I know this is mumsnet but please go easy on me, first post even though I've been lurking in the depths for a while. My Idiot husband (definitely not DH) has been talking to a woman he met on online groups for 2 years now, they formed a good friendship and as our marriage was on the rocks he got closer and closer to her and is now "in love" with her.
He still loves me and thought we could all just be one big fucking happy family together (polygamy has come up in conversation in the past). That will never happen, I can't stand her and he knows this. They have been "in love" for about a month and I knew from the beginning but only confronted him yesterday, he admitted it and told me he wants us both and loves us both but as she lives in America it will probably never happen. She told him when the feelings started that she would move over here and we could all be together. She is rather unstable and unhappy with her life and he could give her a family and children which is all she wants.

I am in such a mess over this, yes our marriage isn't great but we have a almost one year old DS and another child on the way. We were working on it and I though it was going well, then he started to spend all his time staring at his phone/laptop talking to her. I had so many plans in place for us to give us a better life, I am studying full time through OU, raising our child, having a nightmare pregnancy and he still expects me to deal with this. I don't know what to do, I want him to be happy and if she can offer that I don't want to stand in the way but at the same time I still love him dearly I don't want to stop fighting for my marriage and I don't want to be a single mother to a newborn, nevermind the 2 under 2 part. I am such a mess just now, I can't eat, sleep or think straight.

Sorry this is so jumbled, please if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Stop talking to OW. Tell him to piss off. Tell MIL what’s going on. You have yourself and two kids to think of, your husband is a weak self indulgent ratbag. Get some anger going and lay down the law. Do you still want to be with him after all this carry on?

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I agree that you are being manipulated beyond belief, and that you should cut contact with OW, and change the locks when H leaves.

Also can I suggest counselling to work on your self esteem?

You deserve so much better and you need to heal from this abusive behaviour.

I’m so sorry to hear a about this OP. This sounds like an absolutely awful situation.

I agree that speaking to the OW will not help you. She knows about you and what their behaviour is doing.

Your husband needs to be kicked out of the house. Right now. He is not treating you with respect.

Get support from your MIL if you can.

^ yes! What HB2me said.

I am a MIL (I meant to say that in my previous post), and I would totally support my DIL if my son did this to her. I would still love my son of course, but I would never condone his bad behaviour - and if I had grandchildren I would of course support their mum.

Whether your MIL supports you or not, you still deserve better either way.

As the OW in this situation i can't imagine talking to my APs wife...

But please don't dismiss his feelings for her. You can fall in love online. So its a real issue to deal with.

Not everyone on the internet is a cat fish. I know everything about my AP, and ditto. You can establish identity.

This is a horrible situation for you, and while they may have not physically cheated, probably best to think of it as a real affair and deal with it.

And tell the MIL. You might be pleasantly surprised by the support she offers.

Polygamy isn't legal here. He means polyamory which can be a great relationship model IF it works for everyone involved and there is trust and respect. Doesn't sound like it would work for you and that's perfectly understandable.

Sounds like he's got a bit of a white knight complex, he 'rescued' you when you needed him and now you're doing much better he goes and finds another damsel in distress to save from herself.

I'd walk away and leave him to it.

The other woman is clearly not an empathic, caring person. If she was she'd not even consider a "relationship " with a man who has a young child and a pregnant wife. Time to stop being nice and reasonable and put yourself and your kids needs first !

Whose idea for him to move out on ds Birthday? If it was his, it’s him attempting to make you change your mind, ask him to stay, reconsider things. Let him go.
Speak to your midwife for support if you need it

I'm talking to the OW who is scarily similar to me. Out of all the people in the world he found the fucking Californian version of me

Without outing myself of and my friend, this stood out too much for me. My friend has been in the exact same situation as you. It's was quite strange reading your post and at first I thought it was her. The only differences are the timeline and age of dc. 8 years her dh has 'been in love' with an American woman ! Yes 8 years.
The woman is very similar as my friend, even down to looks. However, there is no proof of this. No one has ever spoken to her on the phone or on video call. Has your husband had a real conversation with this woman?
To me it seems like this is a catfish (person who pretends to be someone else) and she/he makes themselves out to be like the dh wife. This could even be the same person as the one talking to my friends dh.

The 'woman' has promised to come over but there is excuse after excuse. She is also very unstable apparently. It's never going to happen but (and it's a big but) it has eaten away at my friend and her dh. He cannot move in as he needs closure to end it with her. He cannot get this as he will never meet her in person. So it goes on and on. It has affected my friend terribly of course. Her self esteem is very low.

I don't have advice as such but if you want to pm me details (once I figure out pm as I'm new here) then it might turn out to be the same catfish.

I agree with the majority on here so I won't repeat what everyone is telling you.
But I want to say this: you may be in an isolated situation now without family or friend support but remember you have mumsnet. We are your online friends and support which is not the same as having a face to face cuppa with a local friend but we are here all the time, literally 24/7. And when this man who does not deserve you eventually leaves, get yourself to every local baby group, baby yoga, playgroup or free thing at the library and fill your time and the friends will naturally follow. Good luck lovely

Please listen to people there Op, avocado is right, we are here for you, for as long as you need.

You are worth so much more than this shit of a man.

Please be kind to yourself.

He's getting someone from this woman that he's not with you, that's why he's doing it.

No one thinks oh sod it, I'll completely complicate my life and fall in love online. But it happens because it feels like one person is no longer enough. But that's life.

Don't worry about talking to her. I can't imagine what you have to say to each other.

You need to decide what you want.

he thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy and that I deserve more than him
Well he is certainly right on that point.
I'm glad you are getting some space away from him.
Take that time to really think about your long-term future with this pathetic man.
This is the role model you are giving your DC!!!

Your husband is a class A son of a bitch! I would toss him out on his ass,throw all his belongings on the front lawn,change the locks and take him to court for maintenance and child support. My hypothetical ex would probably be looking over his shoulder for a long time cause I am crazy when i am truly angry

Wow, I thought I was reading something I wrote.

My stupid arse DH(Dickhead) not dear husband., did the same damn thing to me. I found out he was pretty much living a double life online; telling anyone who would listen what a horrid cruel frigid bitch I was and that he was separated. News to me!

With your DH, it's all just fantasy. If there was anything slightly serious about this, they would have managed to at least meet in the past 2 years. The US and UK is pretty easy to visit.

You are being far far too nice to this jackass and his thot. She sounds like she has a couple screws loose.

I understand you being pregnant and with a small child at home, you're vulnerable but these two psychos are disgusting. Tell him to gtfo and don't come back. Stop talking to the both of them.

I hope you aren't still cooking, cleaning, and sexing, the lying sack of shite. Cut all that off too.

My DH ended up in a relationshit with some dumb thot over in a very poor 3rd world country known for scams. Fell in twu luv after chatting for a week. Now she says she is coming here. Well good luck with that, ho. No way she'd ever get approved for a visa to come visit here nor could she afford it. DH isn't working so he isn't going to fund it either. She thinks he is going to marry her and is picking out $10,000 rings.. Well, I think you have to be divorced first!

I kicked him out when I found out! He lives about 800m from me in a bedsit and it's been a year and a half and they still haven't even met. It would have been a lot easier for him to just fly over there and meet her but guess what, he's too damn lazy to even get a passport. He has made zero effort to divorce me either. I had completely lost respect for him. Not just the lies and cheating and treating me like trash, his actual real life wife me!; but how stupid he is for wasting his life on this year 6 nonsense!

As for not getting something from home. Utter rubbish! Too many people with agency find the online world a playground for attention.That's something all cheater pants married men say. Oh my wife doesn't understand me. We haven't had sex since 1952, etc. etc. etc.

So like others said, tell his mum and kick his arse out. You owe this sob nothing!

What boomerang1 said could be the case, have either of you talked to her in person or only online? There are some weird people out there and you don't know who she really might be be or what her motives are.

LTB!!!! You deserve so much better.

Think there is a lot of this on line fantasy relationship s.
It's all too easy and takes very minimal effort.
Relationships for the lazy ( men )
You don't even to brush your teeth to have steamy sexting.

How would that work face to face?
He should doing the hard work in the marriage not playing wth his phone. Lazy !

Why the hell are you even putting up with this? Kick him out FFS.

Your marriage is over and you're better off without him.

Put him out with the trash

What a sad middle aged sleazebag, deserves every bit of shit I think is coming his way

I often wonder how open to polygamy these men would be if it were another man being invited into the marriage?

Trinity66 I suspect the enthusiasm for many men would wane dramatically in such circumstances!