Confused, Divorce, 'Affair' - Please help me

[sher77]

Hi,

Really hope I can get some advice on here (without any judgement). I am in the process of a divorce with my husband after 13 years together. He hit me a few months ago and I knew at that point it was over (in front of my 3 year old). The divorce is going to be painful one as he's not a nice person (Narcissist and split personality).

I began speaking with my ex (Whom I was with for four years) and we met after about 6 weeks after chatting online for a while. We made it clear that it was sex that we both wanted as it was amazing when we were together).

We slept together once and then he left for a few weeks to go abroad. We kept in touch regularly and we met the day after he returned...

Had a great time, but he seemed quite 'distant' after weeks of talking whilst he was away. I did tell him that my 'husband' suspected as he advised I was being followed (He then said I wasn't and just wanted to scare me). My ex then said maybe we should meet abroad once things calmed down??

I didn't go into it when he asked me, but now he's back he just asked me when I was next abroad (he won't be in the UK again), but when we had sex he was quite distant (he seemed uncomfortable when I kissed him and when I laid on him, he seemed uncomfortable again).

The first time we had sex he was very affectionate, wanted to cuddle etc but I said no (I didn't want to get close to him). But now, I kind of do....

I told him whilst he was away that we were just 'friends' who had sex, so I guess thats maybe why? I regret it now. I just didn't want him to think I wanted more and be scared off..

I just don't understand the 'distance' he's put between me and him now, can anyone give me a point of view on whether he maybe sees me as just sex (which is fine I guess as I did initially) or whether he may have his barriers up now I said we are just 'friends'?

He asked me to go abroad, is that 'casual'? Im just very confused.

I don't want to get hurt and I expect this relationship could hurt me? I know I should focus on my divorce and myself, but its making me feel better in a way, comforted almost.

Not after any judgement and of course my child is my priority (I won't introduce him to another man for many years!).

Anyone have any thoughts on this situation. Please????

First well done on leaving your abusive husband.

RE the ex - im not sure if he thinks you are ready for a relationship, you state that it starts off with knowing what you both wanted out of this - just the sex, which is why he is maybe keeping his distance now - not being affectionate etc. It sounds like you have a battle ahead of ou with ex husband, so maybe ex is trying to give you the space you need. Maybe you need to be a little clearly with what you want too.

Good luck OP - i wish you all the best.

Not A Professional But...You might be looking for a distraction right now. This is not judgement. I have been in your situation (not exactly) before when I was going through something extremely painful ( the death of a parent) and I needed something to distract me from mourning. That is so normal. And what you are going through is also really normal.
Your friend who has put up distance is doing so to protect himself from getting his heart broken. For all you know he has been carrying a torch for you for years and felt rejected when you put up your walls.

That being said, this is a confusing time for all involved. You are in the process of mouring a relationship in which you were betrayed by someone you once loved and lived with and had a child with. It is okay for things to be a bit messy. But it is also okay to just focus on what you and your kid need....not what this distant, abroad, friend needs.

Figure out what you need and be clear with all parties, including yourslef. It takes courage to be upfront. You are couragously removing yourself from an abusive relationship. Continue to be brave about what YOU need and communicate it clearly. Sometimes wrting it down first helps and if you get it to the point where you want to read it to abroad friend, that can also help. Abusive relationships can feel isolating. Letting the abroad friend in a little, letting him know where things stand with you, letting him know that things are going to be a bit messy for a stretch of time is honest. You owe that to yourself.
Good Luck to you!

Thank you for your message, really appreciate it.

I feel positive about the step to leave my husband, it wasn't just physical, he was emotionally and mentally abusive for years which is why I don't need anything thats going to mess with my head even more.

My ex is very good at putting barriers up when he wants to, but I really want the closeness we had the first time we had sex.

Now I wonder if he does just want sex and not sure I now feel comfortable with it. All very strange, confused as you can see.

If he's an ex I very much doubt that all he wants is sex. Being with you may be awakening feelings in him that frighten him, or he may feel bad that he is taking advantage of you, or he may be scared of your husband. Whatever it is, it's confusing and not what either of you probably need right now.

I totally get the desire to have a distraction etc but I feel now is not the time and you will end up even more hurt. Distance yourself from the ex, sort the divorce then revisit if that feels right then.

Thank you for all of our messages, really appreciate the support. I want to stop it, I just don't know how....

Our relationship was always very sexual (albeit together for four years). It IS a distraction and a welcome one..but I fear that he will leave again (in a couple of months) and I will develop feelings for him or the grief oy my divorce will really kick in when he leaves.

BUT, if he does want to continue, maybe I'm missing out on something...

He broke up with his ex two years ago and says he feels dead inside, they were trying for a child and don't know if he's quite over her...

I don't know if he thinks he's taking advantage? We both wanted it..

He did say though that if I suspect trouble, to tell him straight away (trouble being something with my husband knowing I suspect).

He may have decided the distance isn't worth it or that he is less interested as senses you may want more...could he have met someone else? Maybe he realises that you can never go back once a relationship has ended.

I think you may just need to ask him. Asking you to go to see him is low commitment for him as it will be cost and time for you.

The issue with moving on so quickly is that you haven't healed from your marriage and another person can't medicate the strong emotions you are likely to go through.

You’re going through a difficult time right now and it’s natural to want to feel close to someone whether it’s being able to be emotional or physical. You should give yourself time to think about what’s best for you before developing feelings for your ex again who could very well be using you. Although you might think you only want sex I’m sure there’s plenty of opportunities with other people, your ex is your ex for a reason and whatever that was I have a feeling that it might not end well. I know it might be difficult right now but you’re stronger than you think you are and you can get through this just don’t take yourself from one bad situation to another.

Thanks everyone. I also feel that it may not end well...

I don't think he's met someone else.

I cannot figure out whether he's running scared or just doesn't give a damn. He asks alot of questions about my marriage and he also did say we should have a break until things settle down...and not meet for a while, so I guess if he was just after sex, he wouldn't say this.

I definitely need to focus on myself and my situation so maybe now isn't the right time...

My head is so full of everything and I'm struggling to make sense of anything.

I just want to be in control of the situation.

Was going to send him a message last night to say we need to take a break, but think I need to speak to him face to face. Issue is I know if we meet we will end of being intimate and confuse things even more.

I believe people come into your life for a reason (and out again), I just cannot figure out what this reason is..maybe a stepping stone to realise I needed to get out of my marriage and that sex is important (I was in a sexless marriage).

I thought about things a lot last night and I don't think he's just after sex, maybe thats the problem. Who knows but I guess I should speak to him to clear things up or wait until my head is clearer.

I def don't want to go from one bad situation to another as I just don't have the strength to do so.

Please keep posting your thoughts as its helping me a lot, I do appreciate it.

I think you stepped into something WAY too quickly. And if it is/was making you feel better, why are you questioning it on here now?

I'm just looking for some support as I'm confused. Probably I have stepped into something too quickly, but it wasn't planned.

If you're confused, that sort of says it all. You've got into something, you don't know what that something is, and you've got all sorts of emotions going on. Because it was way too soon.

If you just wanted sex, would have made more sense to find some random bloke you didn't know and made it abundantly clear that's all you wanted and kept emotions out of it. But you tracked down (I assume) an ex from years and years ago. Was unlikely to end well, or at least was almost certain to be messy.

You're not in the right place yet.

Yes, he's my ex from 15 years ago..

I thought we both wanted the same thing, but because of the way he's acting, its confusing me.

I didn't want to sleep with a random guy as I don't have sex with strangers!

So you deliberately sought him out online just a couple of weeks after leaving your husband? I get that your husband was a shit and you were right to leave him, but even so you won't be in the right place to begin any sort of relationship. You're already calling it a relationship after a lot of chatting and meeting up how many times? You say you don't want to get hurt but sounds like you already are because you're so confused.

Seriously, you are not in the right place emotionally to be doing this. It shouts out loud and clear. I'm not judging, I'm telling you what seems abundantly obvious from your postings.

No, I didn't 'seek him out' after a couple of weeks of leaving my husband. We were talking for months and I've seen him twice only since August.

Not calling it a relationship.

Sorry, but I don't want to come under attack and I feel you are being quite aggressive. I wanted support, but not to be attacked.

My marriage was over with my husband two years ago.

I don't want to get hurt and I expect this relationship could hurt me?

Yes, you are calling it a relationship. You said the above earlier.

I definitely need to focus on myself and my situation so maybe now isn't the right time...

Which I've said I agree with, but apparently doing so is attacking you.

When I say 'relationship' even if you are sleeping with someone or they are your friend, its a 'relationship'. I didn't mean it in the couple sense.

Think there are ways to say things. Everyone else has been gentle in their approach to say what they thought.

Looking for support, thats all. If thats not what you can provide, then please do not post. Or at least kindly do so in a less aggressive manner. Everyone else has had a gentle approach. You are attacking me.

I def don't want to go from one bad situation to another as I just don't have the strength to do so

This is causing you angst and draining you. Shatners was not attacking but just pointing out you don't seem resilient enough for another relationship, especially fwb.
I think you are looking for healing and confusing that with what a fwb can offer, especially long distance.
Have you had counselling?

What support do you want?

Hi,

No, I haven't had counselling.

I don't think Im looking for him to heal me, I just wanted to have fun with him and I was clear on this from the beginning as I knew it wouldn't be long term. His actions are confusing me.

I thought he wanted something casual, but then he's asking to meet me abroad which I don't think is casual.

He then said maybe we shouldn't meet/ speak for a while until things have 'calmed down' so I think if he was looking for casual sex then he wouldn't say that as generally its a 'quick fix',

Maybe I'm not resilient enough (evidently). I just wanted some insight into what he was thinking and how to deal with it.

I def do not want a long term relationship, just to have fun.

I am hurt right now due to the way he's behaving. I shouldn't expect anything I know, but I want things clear in what this is.

I told him we were friends that are intimate.

I thought that would be the best thing so no-one got confused.

I just wanted some insight into what he was thinking and how to deal with it.

Unfortunately we don't know him. We can only really go on what you are telling us about YOU.

I don't want to get hurt you said up front. But I am hurt right now

I wasn't attacking, I am merely getting you to look as if in a mirror at what you are telling us.

OK.....thanks.

He's thinking it's too much like hard work and heavy baggage and it's put him off.

It is a lot to expect someone to take on tbf, even casually. He just wanted no strings sex but you're looking to him for comfort and emotional support and he's not willing/able to provide it.

Hi, the thing is I am not looking for emotional support, I just wanted fun.

I was honest with him from the outset so he knew. He's probed into my life more than I have his. Lots of questions about my marriage etc and I didn't really want to speak about it.

When we last met, I said if he didn't want to continue its fine and he said as long as there's no 'trouble' he wants to continue..

That was last Saturday, we met last Thursday and I haven't heard from him since..

When we met on Thursday he asked when he would see me again, but via text he's just been short.