Confused, Divorce, 'Affair' - Please help me

[sher77]

Hi,

Really hope I can get some advice on here (without any judgement). I am in the process of a divorce with my husband after 13 years together. He hit me a few months ago and I knew at that point it was over (in front of my 3 year old). The divorce is going to be painful one as he's not a nice person (Narcissist and split personality).

I began speaking with my ex (Whom I was with for four years) and we met after about 6 weeks after chatting online for a while. We made it clear that it was sex that we both wanted as it was amazing when we were together).

We slept together once and then he left for a few weeks to go abroad. We kept in touch regularly and we met the day after he returned...

Had a great time, but he seemed quite 'distant' after weeks of talking whilst he was away. I did tell him that my 'husband' suspected as he advised I was being followed (He then said I wasn't and just wanted to scare me). My ex then said maybe we should meet abroad once things calmed down??

I didn't go into it when he asked me, but now he's back he just asked me when I was next abroad (he won't be in the UK again), but when we had sex he was quite distant (he seemed uncomfortable when I kissed him and when I laid on him, he seemed uncomfortable again).

The first time we had sex he was very affectionate, wanted to cuddle etc but I said no (I didn't want to get close to him). But now, I kind of do....

I told him whilst he was away that we were just 'friends' who had sex, so I guess thats maybe why? I regret it now. I just didn't want him to think I wanted more and be scared off..

I just don't understand the 'distance' he's put between me and him now, can anyone give me a point of view on whether he maybe sees me as just sex (which is fine I guess as I did initially) or whether he may have his barriers up now I said we are just 'friends'?

He asked me to go abroad, is that 'casual'? Im just very confused.

I don't want to get hurt and I expect this relationship could hurt me? I know I should focus on my divorce and myself, but its making me feel better in a way, comforted almost.

Not after any judgement and of course my child is my priority (I won't introduce him to another man for many years!).

Anyone have any thoughts on this situation. Please????

Also, I was completely fine the last time we met, just being as upbeat and fun as possible and he was completely opposite like he's the one getting divorced! Hence my confusion.

actions not words are important. he asked when will he see you again but done nothing.
when he was away he had time to think and he changed. he isnt affectionate to you anymore. also, he is scared of your husband, too.
he will go abroad soon, you cant maintain a relationship with him when he is away.
in every angle this looks like it wont work. also, you knew him from years ago, why it ended? and people change.
move on op, dont give any more time to him.

Honestly I wouldn't touch someone in your situation with a barge pole. It's messy as fuck.

Maybe find an fwb who doesn't know the whole story and be more discrete?

He asked to see me when he returned. I think he thinks its up to me as me as Im the one who is married.

We were in touch the whole time he was away.

Our relationship ended as we were both too young to commit.

Yes, it is messy. But, he knew my situation from the beginning. Bit late to be running scared now I think..

I don't understand why it would be messy for him?? Its more for me!

I know but he has the choice about involving himself in it, whereas you're kind of stuck in it unfortunately

But don't you also see the amount of angst and worry you're expending on something that's just supposed to have been a casual bit of fun is totally out of proportion with that?

Someone who just wants a bit of fun, just wants that. Because you have prior history, he's bound to show a bit more interest or friendship to you than a random brand new "friend with benefit".

The whole point of FWB is it's totally and utterly hassle free, without any drama or hassle or concern on either side. What you have here sounds the total opposite. Everyone is pretty much saying this is a non-starter, but you continue to try and analyse something. You're not meant to analyse FWB - it's just sex.

Which again, all comes back to this being far too soon and probably with the wrong guy.

I think you're going through a lot and if you must have sex, this ex probably is going to complicate things. Can you sign up to tindr or a hook up site? I don't think an ex is the right choice as he's not a casual friend, so friends with benefits isn't going to work. Avoid exes or friends you wouldn't want to lose.