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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it over? Please help

42 replies

Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:19

Had a massive argument with dp last night he is working away and was out with colleague. He had promised me he wouldn't go for drinks just a meal and suddenly was out drinking g with her! He just suddenly went crazy and sent me a foray of texts telling me to move out! And he couldnt put up with it anymore!

I'm in shock cos we have a holiday booked this Friday for dds 11th birthday. I'm distraught and can't understand it, we were fine before he left, it was just basically a bit of tit for tat in txt messages not unusual for us anyway .

I really don't know what to do should I just move out? Or wait for him to return to speak properly?! It's difficult because he just seems adamant we're over without any discussion or wanting to talk. Also, not sure what he's doing about holiday as my dd is looking forward to it

Please someone help I'm so upset

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 12:21

Tbf, if you are who i think you are, you have been obsessing for months and your relationship is very unhealthy.

Posters advised you that it wasn't healthy nor was your obsessing.

Is Dd just yours or is your Dp her dad?

Shoxfordian · 16/10/2018 12:22

Can you call him? It sounds like you were asking him not to go drinking with a colleague, which isn't really on but I don't know why you were saying that.
It sounds like he's unhappy with the dynamics in your relationship

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2018 12:25

Sorry need more information.

Are you married? Is he DD's father?

Are you living together in his place? Shared place? Mortagage etc?

Just take your DD on holiday yourself and get some space.

Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:25

@Notacluewhatthisis

No she is both our daughter and he's booked this holiday for her as a family she's so excited that's why I'm confused I dunno whether to just go full throttle and leave or just try to talk

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2018 12:28

I think you should talk. Why should you move out? Why doesn't he?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/10/2018 12:30

From your previous posts this was always going to happen wasn't it. It's hard to know if you're being paranoid and that's driven him away or if you're gut instinct is right and he's used it as an excuse to create and argument.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/10/2018 12:32

Who is 'her'?

Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:53

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Yeah that's complicated part it's his house
I actually have my own house cos we split up a few years back n moved into his part time

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:54

@Shoxfordian

Thanks for reply
I asked if I could call him n he said no point Sad I can't understand how he can warrant a break up just like that! I mean if this as happening to you would you just accept it or try to talk?

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:55

@HollyBollyBooBoo

Sadly I think the latter too SadI think maybe he was planning it. But doesn't make sense as booked holiday and about to put money into his mortgage for an extension! Also planning Christmas can be really just finish it like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 12:57

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

A colleague of his
They were working together at this location for past three weeks I wasn't happy with him going drinking with her as she came onto him in the past (when drunk) so I said please could he see it from my POV and just keep it to a meal n call it a night

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 13:53

OP it's not just over this. Don't pretend it is. You and he have lots of issues and an unhealthy relationship. It was always going to go this way.

Things like no socialising without each other, getting stressed because someone came on to your ex boyfriend (He was single at the time) when she was drunk 3/4 years ago and letting this dominate your relationship isn't healthy.

Deep down you must know this. It's not just over. Its been coming a while.

Shoxfordian · 16/10/2018 13:53

It sounds like it's over
Sorry op

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/10/2018 14:13

@Issy777 sadly I think it can. Don't ask me how but my ExH and I were planning a move abroad and trying for our 2nd baby...as he was shagging someone else!

The fact he won't even talk about it kind of indicates in his mind it's over and he doesn't even feel there's a point in talking. Very, very tough for you and hugely frustrating.

MinnieRabbit · 16/10/2018 14:24

Can you really handle the continued stress of being with a man who you very clearly don't trust?

Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 14:39

@Notacluewhatthisis
But these are issues can be worked on

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 14:40

@MinnieRabbit

I'd like to work at it yes we've been through a lot

OP posts:
MrsJane · 16/10/2018 15:07

Message him and ask him what he plans to say to your dd about her birthday and holiday??

He sounds very selfish. He should be talking this through with you in person. Tell him he owes you that.

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 15:13

But these are issues can be worked on

It's been going ages. You havent worked through them yet.

Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 15:56

@Notacluewhatthisis

I'm willing to trust him more if we can work it out and he hears my side
I did say this to him but I think maybe he was listening to what she was saying too

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 15:58

@MrsJane

Thanks I think I will do this later because my last txt I asked him if we could talk via phone, texts were going nowhere and his reply was "don't see the point"

So I replied with but there is a point we've been through so much and have two beautiful daughters"

He read but didn't respond so I guess that could mean he just wanted time to think? Sad

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 16:39

You need to stop your obsession with this woman. She probably won't be telling him anything.

He does listen to your side. It's been going on years. You don't trust him. The relationship isn't a good one. You have posted quite a lot and it always revolves around a woman who came on to him when he was single.

Original poster
Issy777 · 16/10/2018 16:46

@Notacluewhatthisis

So should I just say I see why you're sick of it maybe we should end?
The thing is when I did this before he accused me of not trying! And having someone on the side! I feel like I should make an effort but it's hard to know what more can I say at this point?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 19:12

Exactly. There isn't really anything you can do.

I wouldn't move out with the kids straight away, though you may have to if you aren't married.

You are both going round in circles making eachother and your kids miserable. If it was fixable it would be. One of you needs to end it properly. Draw a line under it. Not while falling out, but you can't carry on like this.

He works away. With a woman who is very insignificant. But you are ruining your relationship over it, even though he turned her down.....even though he was single.

I would suggest counselling, but I don't think you will get past this. 3 years later it's still on your mind all the time. I said it on your last thread and this one. Your relationship isn't healthy and you are modelling unhealthy relationships to your kids. This isn't fair to them.

dirtybadger · 16/10/2018 19:19

"Tit for tat...not unusual for us"

There's the issue. It shouldn't be normal.

If he wants to end things there's nothing you can do. It's really hard to tell if you're pushing him away with lack of trust or if he is up to no good, but either way in a relationship a unilateral decision can be made and he had made it. Sorry Sad

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