I’m falling apart, please help me

[Catherine0201]

I’ve been with my partner 3 years, I love him and we have lived together. 2 weeks ago he said he wanted his own time to do stuff, I accepted this and went to my moms not thinking too much of it as I’ve often stayed here. On Friday I called him and he told me he didn’t want to be with me, I’m so heartbroken. I’ve gone through 4 miscarriages with this guy, we’ve planned our future, always speak about marriage and now he’s just gone. We were on the phone last night as I called him to get some clarity, and discuss what we need to as alll of my things are at his house and he also owes me money. He was being SO cold with me it was like we never spend 3 lovely years together. He was being mean and said there’s no point asking questions he’s just not happy, said that my questions were annoying him and I need to just accept it. It’s been 2 days how can he think I can let go that quickly. He sounded like a different person. I’m so hurt as now there’s no hope between us, only 3 weeks before my birthday and with Xmas approaching I feel horrible. All these occasions I made plans with him.

In some respects it’s better for you he’s being cold as at least there’s an enforced emotional separation there, it’d be much harder for you if he was being lovely and emotional and reminding you of what it was like when you were happy and in love.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do here but accept it and try and start to move on, of course you’re shellshocked and it will take time to emotionally be able to come to terms with it but there’s a lot you can do to speed the process up, cut contact with him, block on social media, basically make him invisible to you from now on once you’ve sorted the practicalities (and be very businesslike and cold when you interact for those things). Remind yourself you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you and you’re strong and will cope. People break up every day and people get past it, it hurts but it won’t be the end of the world I promise. I’ve been there.

He has been able to move on so fast as he will have been mulling it over for months probably, nobody just ends a long term happy relationship for no reason. So for him this is just a formality, letting you know it isn’t gonna work. He’s probably done his grieving. Sadly yours has just began; but nothing you’ve said about how either of you are acting or reacting is unusual or shocking. Hugs.

He's definitely done his greiving as he's probably be planning it out for sometime. He was waiting for the right moment to execute his actions.

My advice for you is try and stay strong. This may be a shock to you but i'm sure you are not that surprised. You deserve better and they will be someone out there for you. You may not see it right now, but it will happen. In your own time, cut contact with him and start going out with your friends. The pain you are experiencing wouldn't last forever. Stay strong.

OP no words can help now. But you will survive this.

My sympathies too OP. I hope your mom is supporting you and showing you what love is. This guy is showing you what love is not.

My advice is to hold off from calling him or texting him beyond business-like messages re collecting your stuff. (Easier said than done I know all too well.) And don't let him off from paying what he owes. When the practicalities are sorted, delete everything, block everything and go completely no contact. Fuck him. It's his loss.

Agree he has been planning this for a while. There may even be an OW.

But either way, you need to accept that it's over. Is this your first heartbreak? You sound quite young.

It hurts like hell at the moment but it WILL get better, I promise.

As advised above, don't keep calling and texting him. Just arrange to collect your stuff (or have someone collect it for you) and hold your head up high. Be cool, calm and collected.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. The initial acceptance is so hard. But once you come to terms with things it will get easier bit by bit.
The best advice is to walk away with your head held high. Accept his decision and move on. Don't call, text or pester him. Let him know he hasn't broken or ruined you.

I'm so sorry you are going through something so painful.

I agree with others that he has already processed the split and his coldness is likely his way of reinforcing his decision and that there is no way back.

Of course this has come as a terrible shock and I think you need to allow yourself this time to grieve what you have lost. For whatever reasons/s he has checked out and that is his right and out of your control.

I think most of us have been through heartbreak and there really is no easy way through it. You have to feel the pain, the loss of hopes and dreams and realise that the way you feel now is not permanent (although it may feel that way).

Organise moving your things, resist the urge to see him one last time and go no contact. In my experience it is the only way. Holding on to hope only prolongs the agony.

Again, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling and it is horrendous. In saying that, I have come out the other side and in time so will you xxx

Xmas isn't really approaching is it? It's October... months away

I know Xmas isn’t exactly round the corner but this time of year is usually my happiest. Birthday and Christmas, and the fact we made plans that now have to be cancelled. This is my first long term relationship, I’m absolutely shattered, I’ve dated guys before but I’ve never spoke about marriage, definitely never got pregnant. He spoke to much about our future it’s completely come from no where, I started to think it could be depression as he has a massive family history of this, I just don’t know. I’m dreading getting my things, I haven’t been able to eat since Friday, and my sleeping is awful, I just keep being sick. I wish I could feel better

He just kept saying he’s not happy and he wants to be alone, has completely pushed me away, after making such lovely plans with me for this week.

Try to accept his decision without looking for explanations or reasons. You will never fully understand. I am divorced. It took me a long time to work up the courage to end my marriage and hurt him, and disrupt my DDs. I made plans with my husband, arranged a holiday etc then one day took the bull by the horns and never looked back. He maybe wasn't planning to tell you this week but it does sound like he's been thinking about it.

I think our survival instinct likes there to be a reason like depression or another woman etc but often there is no reason. You'll be kindest to yourself if you move on.

a) How much money does he owe you?

b) Get a friend or relative to collect your things.

c) Stop talking to him.

How long can you stay at your mother's place? Think about yourself. Put your hard hat on.

Very sorry you have suffered miscarriages.

Your distress about this, on top of the miscarriages, is completely understandable. Are you in work? While it's difficult to concentrate, work is a great distraction. If not in work, I suggest taking some exercise and watching a lot of box sets! They are a good distraction and help to pass the time while your brain gets over the shock of all this and starts to think in a way that isn't going over the same old ground. You will get through this and go on to a better and happier life OP.

My miscarriages make this more devastating, I’m very very sad, I keep remembering the devastation I felt when we lost them, and how I had him there and now each anniversary of their loss I will face alone, it’s daunting. I know eventually I have no choice but to get over this, I know people get over much worse and I wish I was stronger than I am. He owes me a couple hundred pound. I feel like a mug because I feel I’ve been used, it’s only now I sit back and see exactly how much I did for him completely unaware he felt this way. Feel like an idiot, just hoping it will pass. I’ve been off work for anxiety after my mc so not working right now

I had my most painful breakup ever, the first one that ever actually hurt (he left me out of the blue with no warning) in an October.

I actually managed to really enjoy they xmas as it was novel, it was super tough (my mom had died too, the day before Xmas eve two years before) in some ways but I became very aware that I would rather go through xmas without him and grow in strength than have what felt to me like a lovely xmas that was really a lie and then have those happy memories to deal with when we split anyway. It’s better this way OP even though it hurts.

Rejection sucks. It hurts so much, makes you feel like a mug when someone has left you and you’ve been in love with them and done loads for them. You will feel much better and stronger if you go NC now and don’t give him the benefit of your company/conversation/regard now he relationship is over.

Yeah it’s the rejection that hurts the most, especially when I can’t think of what more I could’ve done. He promised me “forever”, I meant it, clearly he didn’t. I did everything for him, ran his baths, made his dinners, did his washing, always looked glam even if I was only running to the shops, always tried to keep sex life exciting, listened to him, laughed with him, I thought we were great. I suppose there’s no point over analysing, I’ll never understand. I just can’t help but try pick fault with my self as the rejection has made me so paranoid

In future I would recommend living your life for yourself not someone else!

Fair enough if you enjoy getting made up for yourself but it's a bit of a red flag if you're doing it to keep someone else happy. Same with keeping sex exciting (I assume you mean for him in some way). Apologies if I've misunderstood but it sounds like you were working hard to "keep" him.

Arrange to collect your belongings and don't discuss the relationship.
Propose a couple of times/dates and if you have a brother/friend/dad to go with...then do that.

Don't engage with him. Once you've got your stuff you can block him and delete from social media.

No contact is what you need.

He knows why he's doing this. He's cowardly by being nasty to you...instead of being honest.

You deserve better than that.

How old are you OP? It will get better I promise. One day you'll look back and wonder what you saw in him. But it will take time. Start making lovely Christmas plans with your friends and family.
Not sure if you did, but never drop your friends for a man. I learnt that when I was 21. Value good friends and family and you'll get through sad times like this.

I’m young, 22. I feel as if I did make him my whole life, but it’s only as I was SO happy with him. Even after 3 years I was so excited to speak to him and to see him after work, I truly was madly and deeply in love so letting go of that is difficult. I’ve deleted my Facebook so I won’t check his account, I’ve been to the doctors today, broke down to him and got some sleeping tablets and the number for therapy as I suffer with anxiety anyway, so hopefully I can arrange that tomorrow. I’m starting to get really boney which is scary but it’s so difficult to eat when I feel so sick and nervous. I managed to have a small small meal this evening which is the first I’ve ate since Friday. I spent the day crying to my Nan as my mom was at work, it’s nice to know I have people behind me who love me, even if he doesn’t

Catherine0201,i agree with all the other comments.Im Divorced,he left for a younger/thinner model(wouldnt call her that,lol) i brought up our 2 young Daughters alone,he visited and took them out when it suited him,which wasn`t often,they were 5&2.Life does go on,thinking of you xxx

I'm so relieved to hear your mom, dad and nan are there with you, let them love you and nurture you. Hug them, appreciate them and plan a special Xmas together. And well done for going to the doctors - that is so sensible!

You sound like a lovely person and I know you will get through this

Some of the replies 'people break up every day.' Op been there recently, it's a huge shock, you've had the rug pulled from under you. Pm me if you want as our situations are quite similar and if you haven't been through it it's hard to understand how shocking it is.

xx