Newish relationship and pregnant. Don’t know what to do!

[ThePeachPit]

Been together a year and he’s lovely but we’re no way near the moving in together stage or anything. I already have one dc to my ex, get on ok as co-parents but he doesn’t have dc much due to work, eow if that!
I want more dc (just not yet) my bf definitely wants them but again not yet.

I’ve known a few weeks and had a early scan today to check dates (around 14 weeks) I haven’t had regular periods from my contraception so didn’t know. But I haven’t told my bf yet, because I really don’t know what to do. My initial thought was a termination but I’m not so sure now and obviously need to decide quickly.

I don’t know if I should tell him before I make a decision, I already feel bad I’ve kept it from him these few weeks. Or if he’ll make it more difficult for me to make a decision.

My primary concern is my dd and if things don’t work out being a single parent to two children to two dads. I know the second part is silly of me and a bit shallow, in a what will people think way. But still I’m worrying about it.

Hi-
I think you really need to decide what you want to do first an foremost.
If you believe your not at this stage in the relationship and it may not be a happy outcome , you need to decide if you can bring up another child single handed.

Notice I put you everywhere- it’s only up to you.
If he bails or stays it’s all up to you anyway
From experience of being a single parent (not by choice) you have to decide what’s right for you before even considering someone elses view.

I fell pregnant 3 months into my relationship. We were in love and very happy (and had actually talked about moving in together etc) but I knew realistically that it was a lot of stress to put on a new relationship and that the odds were against us. I pictured the worst possible outcome - relationship breaking down, family and friends not being supportive, struggling financially etc - and then asked myself if I would still want to have the baby under these circumstances. I decided that I did, that even if the worst came to pass I would still prefer to continue the pregnancy. Happily it all worked out and 3 years later we are still extremely happy, he's a fantastic father, and we've just had our second child. But I still think you should make your choice based on how you'd feel if everything went to shit. Personally I'd tell him ASAP as his reaction may help you make your choice, but like pp said it's your choice and no one else's.

Just FYI, at least some providers of terminations also offer free pre-treatment counselling on a relatively quick turn around. Perhaps you could benefit from that if you're considering it as an option. You can always book the counselling before you are really ready to make a firmer decision.

Agree with @gohackyourself that it is about you. Work on the assumption you will be single parent. You might not be, but it's sensible to consider the reality of that. It may be that such a situation isn't so undesirable for you, it may not be.

I’d be ok practicalities wise on my own. But I don’t want to do it on my own, I guess not many people do though.

I really think my bf will be supportive about it, whatever I decide. Which is why I’m not sure why I’m so reluctant to tell him.

My biggest concerns are, having to move our relationship quickly. In particular in regards to my dd. He’s not really involved in that way, they’ve met and he’s lovely with her but there’s no real relationship or anything yet.
I’m struggling with the thought of a termination though. Although I’m completely pro choice, I’m not sure it’s a choice I can make.

I think telling him, will make it real and right now it kinda feels like it’s not!
I just need to bite the bullet and tell him, but I’m not sure how. Is texting him too wimpy?

I'd personally tell him and opt for a termination, as he's a supportive guy.

I think you need to tell him and see how he feels about it. He might be happy and supportive, or he might not. Either way, the decision is yours, but it would help to know how he feels, surely?

I feel like that seems cruel to him Sandy. If I definitely don’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy. But I really don’t know what to do. So I think I’m going o phone him tonight after work and tell him or wait till I see him Wednesday.

Well he was lovely and very supportive, said he’s with me whatever I decide to do. I haven’t asked what he’s prefer, I don’t think that will help and he hasn’t said.

I’m still very unsure, but I’ve booked an appointment at a clinic for a consultation. I’m seeing more negatives to having the baby at the moment, but I just don’t know.

And I know it shouldn’t be a easy decision so apologies if it sounds like that. But I’m usually quite a decisive person and before it happened I’d be 100% certain I’d have an abortion. But now it’s happening it’s so much more difficult.

For me I want to keep the baby and I suspect my bf does too. For my dd I don’t. I think she’s too young, it’s too soon in my relationship with my bf, it might cause problems with my ex and so effect dds relationship with him.

My existing child has to come first, I know that! If only I could see into the future and know how it would work out.

I wouldn't factor your ex into your decision. It doesn't sound like he has a lot of contact with your DD at the moment, and it could get less and less and one day be non-existent. My ex saw our DS twice a week initially, but now that he's 9 it's dropped to about 6 times this year so far.

What age is your DD? I don't really think there's a perfect age to bring an unexpected sibling into the family though. There will be pros and cons to every age, and a lot of how your DD ultimately feels about it will depend on how you handle the situation. You can prioritise her and your DP getting to know each other, in time get her excited about a new baby coming into the house, when the baby arrives make sure you still carve out 1 on 1 time with her.

How old is your DD OP ? Why do you think she'll be too young ?

if only I could see into the future and know how it would work out.

You can't see into the future though. You have to make a decision, live with whatever you decide and carry on with your life. Your DD could love your her new sibling/ or not. Having a new baby with a new-ish partner may cause issues or not. You may end up as a single parent to two kids...or not. You can't predict the future.

I would have told you to think about it. But you don't have much time, you are already 14 weeks. I would be very reluctant to have an abortion coming up to 20 weeks.

I had my second dd as a single parent. My older dd adores her younger sister and always has, they are both school age now. Not sure why you think it wouldn't be good for your dd?

Should still be your decision though, it's your body and baby.

She’s only two. It’s not so much too young for a sibling, but too young to understand that my bf would be the baby’s dad but not hers and all that. I imagined doing it when she could understand somewhat. I think she’d be confused and I don’t want to have to rush their getting to know each other which I’d have to do somewhat.

Did you plan it that way @Lionsandtiger? I’m ok on the potentially being a single mum to two. Although I’ve got concerns about that too. My main worry is the moving mine and bfs relationship along too fast and a baby’s going to do that. I’m worried of the effect on dd, if it works out and equally if we try and it doesn’t.

I’ve got a long list of worries and concerns most of them are to do with going ahead with the pregnancy. A few are how I’d feel afterwards if I have an abortion.
But it’s a baby and it’s my baby.

Your 2 yr old DD won't care that the baby has a different Daddy. Kids are very accepting. My eldest DS is 9 (met my DH when he was 3) and he understands that he has 2 daddies. 1 is his Daddy because he was my boyfriend when i was pregnant and my DH is also his Daddy because he actually does the daddy stuff, drops him at school, takes him to football, used to read him bedtime stories etc. We haven't done the birds and the bees talk yet so this is as close to the truth as we can get really.

I have 2 kids with DH but he treats all kids the same and we operate very much as a happy family of 5 (and one more on the way).

DS loves his younger brother and sister, and thinks my DH is a wonderful Dad, and is glad to have him.

Your partner doesn't have to move in with you just because you're pregnant. I would go at your daughters pace when it comes to your partner. Encourage lots of positive moments when they are together. One of the positives of your daughter being very young is that when she looks back your DP will always have been part of her life. It would be more difficult to introduce a new partner and baby to a 6 year old or a teenager who might have concerns around your time and attention now being divided. A 2 year old won't have the same awareness and will generally be accepting so long as you still make sure she gets plenty of attention.

With regards to your daughter understanding, I think you may be over thinking it. She will understand that a sibliygas joined her family & she goes to see her Dad - same as always and that will be her normal. She won't question that DP isn't her Dad, she knows who her Dad is.

There's also another 6 mnts til the baby arrives, which is a fair bit of time to slowly prepare everybody for the new arrival and the new situation. You can always live separately after the birth too - whatever works.

In any case, I wish you all the best in making your decision and with whatever you decide to do.

I’ve thought about us maybe staying living separately but not sure how that would realistically work with a newborn.

I think I need a conversation with bf about what we’d do if we keep the baby and see how I feel then. I’ve been avoiding that, although he tried to bring it up. I just feel bad if I’m getting his hopes up and then decide it won’t work.

Do you not think dd will wonder why the baby doesn’t go with her to her dads? I feel like in her mind a baby sister/brother will do just as she does. I’m probably massively over thinking, aren’t I?

I think you are overthinking it.

No child has ever gone with her to her Dads before, why would she expect someone to now?

I’m not sure why @HereForTheLineEyes it was just one of many things that popped into my head. I guess I’m thinking she’ll know the baby has her mummy, grandma, grandad etc, she’d think it also had her daddy.

I’m feeling massively guilty and I know that’s not helping my decision. I just look at dd and think how can I do this to her, all because we weren’t careful enough! But then I think the same about the baby.

You know your dd but I honestly think at that age she will take it in her stride. And I think the second child guilt is there to some extent whatever the circumstances.

Lots of children have siblings. Try not to get yourself too worked up.