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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner and risk seeking behaviour. I don't understand.

31 replies

Maybeitsjustmeor · 15/10/2018 14:33

We had a baby 3 months ago and in the process of buying a house.

So a lot going on and my partner has decided to work 6 days a week now whilst I look after the baby. He's self employed but wants to save up more now before we move house which I understand but we already have and are doing really well and are by no means in a bad situation with money and place to stay so this is for him to feel completely reassured I think.

The work load is getting to him and the cracks are showing. He started a fight with his brother and smashed up living room when baby was present and has been drinking smoking more going out for reckless drives,started getting loads of tattoos and last night was vommiting in middle of night because he took a box of Nuorfen to go to sleep.

This freaked me out so I stayed up all night to make sure he was okay. He acts like this is completely normal and somehow manages to put it on me or someone else.

I am terrified as this makes no sense and I'm not sure how to help. I don't want to add more stress but I have said I will not allow my baby to be around his out bursts so stayed away one night when it was really bad but this didn't help when I got back.

I try to talk to him but he struggles being open. I cook clean look after baby which as a new mum I'm struggling with at times. I Had a tramatic birth and only now feel I'm doing well.

I wish he could take more time with the baby and enjoy being a new family and stop harming himself.

can anyone give any insight or suggestions
I really love him but can't carry on like this now we have a baby.

Sorry for any bad grammar x

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2018 14:35

He started a fight with his brother and smashed up living room when baby was present...

Don't need to read any more. I'd be out of there like a shot. Are you and baby safe?

subspace · 15/10/2018 14:37

His behaviour is awful.

I'd leave and not go back.

SlowlyShrinking · 15/10/2018 14:38

He took nurofen to go to sleep?
But yeah, LTB. He smashed up the living room and drives dangerously. He sounds completely unstable and you and your baby might not be safe around him.

RoboticMary · 15/10/2018 14:39

I couldn’t be out of there quickly enough!!

babygoose48 · 15/10/2018 14:39

They are pretty big cracks OP. I can see this spiralling even further and I don’t think I could go about with my day without advising you to think about how he could be a danger to your child.

Can it be arranged for him to go somewhere else whilst he sorts out these issues? His behaviour is inexcusable, work stress or no stress.

Original poster

Maybeitsjustmeor · 15/10/2018 14:43

I really want to support him.

I don't have much of a family or close friends, no money of my own and dont drive so dont have many options. We aren't married yet aswell. He's done so much for me and stood by me that I really want to help what looks like him having a break down.

OP posts:

buscaution · 15/10/2018 14:44

Normally I would say LTB and in terms of staying safe right now that may be what you have to do. However, if this is recent out of the ordinary behaviour then it's a GP he needs to see to rule out any medical issue and perhaps explore the possibility of a mental problem having developed. PND?

CountessVonBoobs · 15/10/2018 14:48

I don't think you can afford to help,and certainly not from the same house. Your baby is innocent and vulnerable and your partner is volatile and dangerous.

Do you have anyone who can put you up for a few nights?

Original poster

Maybeitsjustmeor · 15/10/2018 14:48

I know it's so awful. When it happened I couldn't stop crying and he didn't understand why I was upset and I just keep second guessing myself that somehow I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:

RoboticMary · 15/10/2018 14:56

Your baby is the priority here - not your partner, no matter how much he may be struggling. He may need help, but that doesn’t mean you put yourself and baby in harms way.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/10/2018 15:01

This won’t end well. Please make the safety of your baby your priority.

DoYouLikeBasghetti · 15/10/2018 15:02

I understand that you want to help him but you really need to protect yourself and your baby.

Aprilislonggone · 15/10/2018 15:03

Please don't think that you wil be the one to tame him /change him /marry him.
When your home is in tatters, and your nerves, and your dc is looking up at their role model while they are out of control - you will wish you had left sooner.
Like today.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/10/2018 15:12

Put your baby first.

A baby is soooo much more vulnerable than a man.

A baby is actively in danger if present in a room where violence - towards objects or people - is taking place. Any flying object, or falling person, could kill or maim a baby, scar or disable them for life.

You need to separate you and the baby from him, as your top priority. Then work out how you want to go forward and what if any help you can usefully offer him. Wishing everything better and telling him that's what you wish is not useful help.

On a more practical note, there is a direct contradiction between doing extra work 'to provide stability for the family' and smashing up the family home, which then needs to be paid for. Surely better all round if he works less and does no damage?

...and then works out how to be a decent man, partner and father.

twinmummawingingit · 15/10/2018 15:16

Please get out. It doesn't have to be forever and you can support from a distance but he put your baby at risk and that is not ok.

MinaPaws · 15/10/2018 15:16

Men can get PND. If this is not typcial behaviour for him, then maybe he has it. He needs to get checked and helped by the GP.

Hidingtonothing · 15/10/2018 15:35

Agree with PP’s, if you can help him (and I’m not sure you can tbh) it has to be from a safe distance for you and the baby, do you have somewhere you can go and stay? Don’t feel you’re letting him down by going, whatever is going on with him you are doing no one any favours by allowing him to continue behaving like this around you or your baby.

Assuming for a moment that he is having some sort of breakdown and is ‘not in his right mind’ how will he feel in the future if he hurts (or worse) you or the baby while he’s unwell? Your baby has to come first and he is not currently safe for them (or you) to be around.

Whatever help you can offer has to be from a safe distance but he also has to be willing to accept/seek help for himself, which he obviously isn’t just now because he ‘didn’t understand why you were upset’ so he doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour. How long do you think you can afford to hang around while he works out just how wrong it is and how safe will you and your baby be in the meantime? I know it’s hard but you really have no choice here, you have to go

ravenmum · 15/10/2018 15:46

Has he always been like this, and just got worse, or is this a complete change of character? Reminds me a bit of a story I heard recently of someone after a head injury - the lack of inhibitions.

NanooCov · 15/10/2018 21:08

I'm not excusing the behaviour but... was he present for your traumatic labour? Is he coping? Sounds like he needs help.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/10/2018 21:12

He is having some kind of a bipolar manic episode. Can you get help from his family? If he is not usually like this they will be worried. But if this is typical behaviour please go to a safe place with your baby.

DonkeyPlease · 15/10/2018 21:15

You absolutely can't put him first here. If you stay in a house with a baby with someone who is smashing things up, you are literally putting the child in the way of grievous harm. You MUST get your baby away from him.

If you two are meant to be, it will work out and he will come right. You cannot leave a baby in this situation though. He could easily kill her even if he didn't mean to.

PLEASE get away from him. I understand you love him but please please put your innocent child first.

If he's a decent man having mh problems, I promise you he will understand in the end and thank you for protecting his baby during an extremely dangerous time.

mumofnat · 15/10/2018 21:17

Hope you are okay.

I think you need to put yourself and your baby first. It sounds like a really difficult situation, but if you have tried talking to him, there is only so much you can do. He needs to realise he needs help for himself.

glitterystuff · 16/10/2018 06:00

Agree with PP's - first thing I thought was if he is not usually like this then he needs to be evaluated for a possible MH problem. But yes, do what you can to keep yourself and baby safe. I really hope you're all okay.

finn1020 · 16/10/2018 06:43

You can’t support him if supporting him means staying there as this puts yours and your baby’s life at risk, as he sounds very out of control (overdosing, driving recklessly and putting innocent road users lives in danger, smashing up a room even if your baby is there). That’s extreme, and scary.

When he doesn’t have control of himself in that kind of way, you need to be prepared that he could harm the baby without meaning to do so. It would only take a split second of irritation the baby crying for example, where an out of control grown adult can critically injure or kill an infant.

It’s not an situation where there’s a nice easy solution to fix everything. But firstly you should concentrate on the safety and well-being of yourself and your baby. There must be phone counselling lines you can ring for advice? Domestic voiolence help lines (this would be considered family and domestic violence). Or can you get an urgent appointment with a GP to discuss?

You can’t fix this. Nothing you do will fix it. Only your partner can help himself, and only if he wants to. Right now he sounds very much at the denying there’s even a problem stage. So you could not possibly expect him to change right now, because he thinks nothing is wrong and he’s ok. Even if you do something “extreme” - for instance, say you are leaving him - he will not be capable of changing this behaviour without professional help. He may be capable of hiding it, or having less outbursts, but it will still be there and It will happen again. He must be prepared to accept professional help, and you also need professional advice and support. If he is to be “better”, it will take a lot of time.

Please make those phone calls as soon as you can. 💐

Minionmomma · 16/10/2018 07:05

He sounds volatile. Honestly, He sounds unstable and unpredictable. How do you know he don’t become volatile with you? Or baby? Do not leave him alone with your baby. He needs help. Starting point GP.

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