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Original poster

Medication for Gaslighting

49 replies

UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 10:28

Just need to rant please.

I am being gaslighted by my father and ex. I know I am being gaslighted because thankfully I conduct all my communication with them via text so I have a record of what has been said. They both still try and deny what is in black and white because I have mental heath issues. Yes, I do have mh issues. I have never denied it. I react calmly whenever they try to gaslight me and simply send them screen shots of what has actually been said rather than what they both tell me has been said.

I called my Drs this am again because I recognise I need counselling. Unfortunately there is a 6 month waiting list and even that is just for 6 weeks of CBT. So the Dr suggested I go on medication. Yes I get anxiety and stressed when dealing with my dad and my ex - but that is due to their gas lighting and lies. What I need is a talking therapy to help me talk through how best to stand up to these 2 men. The Dr said said medication can cause my anxiety to get worse for a few weeks before it kicks in which is why I am reluctant to start it right now. I am not opposed to medication but I am annoyed that I feel cornered into taking it because there is no counselling services available. My ex will use any medication I take against me and my father will see it as confirmtion that I am a "loser" and "fucked up". They both think this (independently) because I have started to put boundaries in place and won't accept their lies anymore.

If you were me, would you go on medication? I can't go NC with either of them due to DC being involved.

Any advice? Even if no advice it has helped me just getting it out so thank you.

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 15/10/2018 10:31

I don't think I would take it in these circumstances, I would look into other routes to get the counselling.

fiftyandfat · 15/10/2018 10:34

I would reduce or cut contact with both of them.
Communicate only by email for essential things only.
Change your phone number.
Get support from MIND or similar organisation.
Don't tell your dad or ex anything about your health. It isn't their business.

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 10:40

I can't cut contact with either of them.
There is a CAO with ex in place for my youngest (4) and it does worry me if it goes back to court ex will be able to find out if I am on medication and my dad wants to see my other 2 dc (as they want to see him) i am reducing contact as much as I can to the bare essentials.
The counselling services in my area have been massively cut and I can't afford to go private.

I m just furious that, right now, my only option seems to be medication which won't sort out my issues on its own. Because my issues are 2 men who are both lying to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 10:40

Thank you both for responding Flowers

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2018 10:46

It is actually for your children and you that you should have no contact with either of these men. What sort of an example do they and will they set your children?. Your ex is a crap example of a father to his children. Your dad treats you appallingly and gaslights you to boot. They see all too clearly how you are treated by these men. You want the same for them too, no you do not. Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your dad and your ex are no different but both are abusive in nature.

Your ex seems to be another version of your own abusive father who in turn also taught you a lot of damaging crap about relationships when you were growing up.

No to medication in itself because you need higher boundaries and therapy more. You have and continue to be abused by these men.

CBT itself is not enough re your relationship with your dad; you need more indepth therapy that this can provide. As you have seen too, there are long waiting lists and six sessions as well on the NHS is not going to cut it. You would be better off looking at the BACP website instead and seeing a therapist to thrash out your childhood experiences properly. Have a read too of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well as the Out of the FOG website.

You do not mention your mother here; where is she?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2018 10:49

You can cut all forms of contact with your toxic dad. Having any contact with your dad anyway makes you feel anxious and ill; if he affects you that much what affect will your children seeing all that do to them?. Dealing with your own fear, obligation and guilt properly to these men will be far more an effective measure than mere medication.

If your ex does see his children then this should be done in a contact centre and under close supervision. Your dad should not be seeing your children at all because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out against you as his daughter. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic as grandparents as well and he will certainly emotionally harm your children if he sees them. Some relatives are really not safe to be around and your dad is a case in point.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2018 10:51

Why do your children want to see him?. Do you keep on bringing up the subject of their grandfather in their presence. You are the parent here; they are relying on your good sense and wisdom here to keep them safe. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 10:55

My gorgeous amazing mum killed herself when I was 16 after years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my father.

Youngest child has a different dad to the other 2. My other 2 have no other family apart from me and my dad. They like seeing him for 2 hours every other weekend. They go to the park/cinema/bowling with him. They enjoy it. It is when he tells me that he is having them overnight during half term or will see them extra but doesn't ask, so I say no, we have plans and he goes off on one at me.

My ex, with my 4 year old, lies (once tbf) to me about medication he has/has not given our son, but there is a court order in place for when he sees our son.

I know cbt has its place but I do not feel that is what I need at this moment.

I am not sure I can stomach the Stately Homes Threads right now - I think it will unearth tooo much when i dn't have any support in place to help me deal with it. Plus I have offloaded on MN for nearly 10 years now under various names and I would end up outing myself totally (especially by ex)

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 15/10/2018 10:56

I would cut contact with your dad completely. So what if he wants to see your kids, so does Fred West, doesn't mean you have to allow it. He's a gaslighter, that's abusive and it's not in their interests to see him. Just say no and block him on everything.

With the ex, you have a court order, you don't need contact unless he's trying to rearrange contact. Completely ignore all his communication unless it's to rearrange contact in which case give him a yes or no answer.

No don't go on medication, just stop letting these people drive you mad.

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 10:58

I don;t think I have enough reason to insist on a contaact centre with my youngest ds. DS likes seeing him, ex clearly loves him but always tells me that the reason he lies is because of my reaction. I keep telling him (calmly, as my texts show) that when he lies I lose trust in him.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/10/2018 11:00

Yes, you can and should cut all contact with your father. You need to stop making excuses about that. Your kids will survive without bowling or movie excursions with an abusive c*nt.

As for your ex, plenty of women only communicate with theirs if it relates to their children. Create an email address and use it for child-related communication only. Block him from your phone.

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:00

Someknobend I wish I could stop let them driving me mad! Tell me how! I have had a weekend of it where I have been ordered to send screen shots of texts to prove that I am not going mad despite what they both say!

OP posts:
Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:03

TheStoic I have tried email addresses, shared calendar with ex, a third party so that I don't have to communicate directly with ex. He keeps it up for a week then defaults to messsaging me directly. I said to him again at the weekend - Do Not Message Me Directly. Tell me how to get it across to him. That isn't me snarky by the way - I am looking for all the help I can get. There isn't any available on the NHS, I can't afford it privately - MN is all I have right now

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Onemansoapopera · 15/10/2018 11:04

Practical advice.

Instead of explaining in your texts etc..gray rock them. Answer any dubious texts with the simple phrase "stop gaslighting me". Repeat in response to every text (even the ones telling you how mental you are) until they stop trying to mind fuck you and c realise the game is up and you're not engaging. Only respond with blunt factual responses about dc arrangements. Everything else gets "stop gaslighting me". Turn the tables and take back control.

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:08

Onemansoapopera I can do that. I know my respnses to both of them are too wordy and I realise it just invites conversation which stresses me because when someone tells me I am mad (or a degenerate moron as per my ex) then I feel as though I have to defend myself.

Grey rock. I can do that. How sad is it that I have just made that the screen saver on my phone!

OP posts:
subspace · 15/10/2018 11:11

Another who thinks it's time to cut contact with your father. Yes it's terribly sad if the kids don't have contact with their family, but they need their mum healthy and well the most. Plus the longer he has access to then, the more chance he has to poison their minds and damage them - it's totally okay and normal to act to prevent that.

Why not spend the day contacting charities and every organisation you can think of to see if you can get some free/affordable help. Contact training providers, they may have students who will quirk with you for free as their case studies.

I found mood gym helpful. It isn't free any more, but is much less expensive than counselling for a year. Have a look, see if it's the sort of thing that might help. moodgym.com.au/

TheStoic · 15/10/2018 11:12

Do Not Message Me Directly. Tell me how to get it across to him. That isn't me snarky by the way - I am looking for all the help I can get.

You say ‘This is the last text I am sending you. I am now blocking all texts from you. If you need to contact me, my email address is...’

And if he texts you from different numbers, which he probably will, you grey rock him. He will never even know you got it.

Onemansoapopera · 15/10/2018 11:13

It's horrible when we have to employ stuff like this but ultimately, with people who want to prey on your vulnerabilities you have to box clever and take back some autonomy. You don't answer to them, remember that and instead of telling them that in 50 words, show them in 3 😊

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:17

Can I be honest? I am not sure about cutting contact with my father. I still want him too like me and be proud of me The only contact I have with him is about the 2 middle children. How do I tell them they can't see him? He gives them pocket money (I can't afford to) he takes them places (I can't afford to) I know that sounds pathetic writtenn down. I have 1 dd (3 ds) and my biggest nightmare is that she ends up like me when it comes to men. But they like seeing him. How do I tell him? He is expecting to see them on Sunday. The shitstorm it will cause....

Re contactig charities - I will. But I know what provisions are out there due to the job I do. There is nothing.

I will look at moodgym though thankyou.

It just helps getting it "out" if that makes sense.

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subspace · 15/10/2018 11:19

Grey rock is excellent advice. I wouldn't even reply please stop gaslighting me, I just would ignore every single word that wasn't essential arrangements for DC. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself, A LOT. If you told then to pick up at 8 and they say 6, repeat yourself.
"Pick them up at 8 as arranged."
"No, we said 6, you're mental"
"Pick them up at 8 as arranged."
"I'm going to take them at 6. You're too loopy to remember our conversation"
"Pick them up at 8 as arranged."
"You said 9"
"Pick them up at 8 as arranged."

Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:20

TheStoic Ex will say he can't access his emails.

Oneman I definitely need to practise 3 words rather than 50!

I know I am not the easiest person to deal with - I have fucked up a lot. But my biggest thing has always been my children.

If my youngest dc doesn't have a relationship with his dad then that is all 4 of my dc without a father in their life. What is the common denominator? Me

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Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:22

sub So this Friday I won't here from ex till 530 what time he is going to pick DS up. Could be 6, could be 830. This is due to traffic. Do I reply ok or ignore?

Sorry, I feel as though I need dot-to-dot or paint by numbers on how to deal with this.

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Original poster
UmmOrMum · 15/10/2018 11:23

hear! not here Blush

OP posts:
Shambu · 15/10/2018 11:28

Everyone is right you need to cut contact with your father. Then you can stop wanting him to like you and be proud of you - that will help your anxiety. Plus no more worries about him going off on one.

Then you're only dealing with your ex.

You don't need medication you just need fewer arseholes in your life.

Noboozeforme · 15/10/2018 11:30

Why do they need to know you are taking medication ?

Can you not take it and not tell them ?