Medication for Gaslighting

[UmmOrMum]

Just need to rant please.

I am being gaslighted by my father and ex. I know I am being gaslighted because thankfully I conduct all my communication with them via text so I have a record of what has been said. They both still try and deny what is in black and white because I have mental heath issues. Yes, I do have mh issues. I have never denied it. I react calmly whenever they try to gaslight me and simply send them screen shots of what has actually been said rather than what they both tell me has been said.

I called my Drs this am again because I recognise I need counselling. Unfortunately there is a 6 month waiting list and even that is just for 6 weeks of CBT. So the Dr suggested I go on medication. Yes I get anxiety and stressed when dealing with my dad and my ex - but that is due to their gas lighting and lies. What I need is a talking therapy to help me talk through how best to stand up to these 2 men. The Dr said said medication can cause my anxiety to get worse for a few weeks before it kicks in which is why I am reluctant to start it right now. I am not opposed to medication but I am annoyed that I feel cornered into taking it because there is no counselling services available. My ex will use any medication I take against me and my father will see it as confirmtion that I am a "loser" and "fucked up". They both think this (independently) because I have started to put boundaries in place and won't accept their lies anymore.

If you were me, would you go on medication? I can't go NC with either of them due to DC being involved.

Any advice? Even if no advice it has helped me just getting it out so thank you.

Can I be honest? I am not sure about cutting contact with my father.

Please do be honest. I totally get that it's a big deal, cutting contact with your own father. Massive.

I still want him too like me and be proud of me

That's normal. Unfortunately, he's never gong to give that to you. You're flogging a dead horse. There is no way in this lifetime he will give you what you desperately crave from him. I'm so sorry.

The only contact I have with him is about the 2 middle children. How do I tell them they can't see him?

You'll find the right words. Something like "grandad isn't being very nice to mummy, so he's not allowed to see us any more. Let's go and do [fun thing] today instead!" Xxx

He gives them pocket money (I can't afford to) he takes them places (I can't afford to) I know that sounds pathetic written down.

He does that to control you.
Kids don't remember, or value, money the same way adults do. A day out with wellies splashing in puddles, or to feed the ducks (peas not bread), or to a free or cheap attraction, playing tag in the park, making a den at home, or a movie night on the sofa with a bag of popcorn, a blanket and whatever film is on tv that day, is worth just the same to them as expensive cinema visits etc. Pocket money? 50p or whatever you can afford or just go without, they're too little to really care. Or tell them pocket money is replaced by treats night, and once a fortnight you all have ice cream or whatever.

I have 1 dd (3 ds) and my biggest nightmare is that she ends up like me when it comes to men

You know the risk of that is much higher if you allow them contact with him.

But they like seeing him. How do I tell him?

Covered above

He is expecting to see them on Sunday. The shitstorm it will cause...

Allow him this time and just don't arrange any more. Yes It will cause a shitstorm. Block what you can and buckle in for the rest. The storm will pass.xxx

Ex will say he can't access his emails.

And? How is that your problem? He’s an adult, tell him to create a new email address and let you know what it is.

Firstly your ex and father would actually only know about you taking medication if you tell them. You need to stop sharing such information with them right away.

You say you know what is available because of the job you do. If it's therefore in the public sector have you gone to your occupational health department & asked about their counselling? It might not be quite right - some are very work focused - but might help get you through the six months and also work out what will help.

They also may provide programmes like the freedom programme, assertiveness, dealing with conflict. They will of course be based on dealing with clients but the techniques of dealing with difficult people might again be helpful for you to think about.

Also can you gain support from say a single parents charity group.

I was struck by your comment that you were made to send screen shots. Read about he grey rock technique and just stop. It's so hard but just answer facts. Repeat and rinse. Don't engage.

Shambu I agree with fewer arseholes in my life. I just can't picture how to get there.

Nobooze If it went back to court with youngest dc then how do I know the court won't disclose it? Not that I think medication is a shameful thing! I just dont believe it is the right course for me at this minute.

So my middle 2 dc don't have their dad around and, despite them enjoying seeing their grandad, I have to tell them no. I don't even know how to begin that conversation. My oldest dc would pretty much turn his back on me because he is grandads favourite . All because I can't keep my mouth shut and won't tolerate this anymore? That makes me feel shit for my kids.

sub So this Friday I won't here from ex till 530 what time he is going to pick DS up. Could be 6, could be 830. This is due to traffic. Do I reply ok or ignore?

Sorry, I feel as though I need dot-to-dot or paint by numbers on how to deal with this.

Painting by numbers is absolutely fine by us.

Regarding this Friday, I'd reply "OK." - That's not giving him anything to bounce off. If he bounces off it anyway and you're not sure how/if to reply, come back on here, explain your learning how to grey rock, and somebody will help

All because I can't keep my mouth shut and won't tolerate this anymore? That makes me feel shit for my kids.

No, all because grandad's an abusive narcissist and it's not in mum or their best interests to continue a relationship with him.

"There is no way in this lifetime he will give you what you desperately crave from him. I'm so sorry."

That has just broken my heart. Sorry.

He told me 2 years ago that he is only in contact with me so he can see my kids. (He doesn't see his his other 4 grandchildren) has no contact with my brother and my sister moved to the other side of the world (with her dd) to get away from him.

NWQM As part of the charity I work for we set up an affordable counselling service - nobody was turned away due to affordability. We relied on volunteer counsellors so clients only paid what they could afford. Within a month our waiting list was 100 long (i am on that list) and despite going to see student counsellors at various universities we could not entice anybody to volunteer for us.
Every time I phone my Drs they try to refer me to the service I help to run! (I have t laugh or I will cry)

Our CEO wont sign off any funding bids to help keep the service going because she wants a new reception area.

And ex can access emails. EVERYBODY can access emails.

Just reply ‘ok’ to your ex. If he asks anything else, post it here and someone will help you respond. And unless it’s a question that’s directly about your dc, and an important question, simply ignore.

I used to play a little game with my ex when he text. I got into the habit of writing war and peace to him, trying to justify my behaviour etc. As soon as I realised I would try and only respond with the minimal words possible. You’d be surprised how many sentences can be responded to with ‘ok’.

As for your Dad, go no contact. Your dc can make up there own minds on if they want to see him when they are adults.

Ok. Sorry to keep adding to the shit that is my life.

Parents Evening tomorrow for youngest DC. So ex will be there. After last weekends fiasco when ex told me he had medicated ds, then told me he didn;t but hasn;t asked how he is in the meantime (emeergency dentist and an extraction required ) I know ex will sit with me in front oof the teacher and ask me how he is. Teachers can't offer separate appointments (fully understand that) but also we are there to discuss ds's settling into school. What do I do if ex starts questioning me infront of teacher?

Sorry if I sound pathetic

I'm so sorry. It must hurt very much.

theblusedog

War and Peace! That is me! I hate being called mad or a liar becuase I know they are not true so I end up going on and on and on.

"OK" will be my go to phrase.

I haven't fully RTFT thread, so apologies if I've missed anything crucial.

But basically, OP, it sounds 100% understandable that you are struggling emotionally ("mental health issues") given what you've been through.

Medication for this set of issues doesn't sound right to me - it will not remove the problem, and it may well not make you feel any better about it either. I, like you, am not opposed to medication per se. Some people find it useful. But others find it deeply damaging, or suffer serious withdrawal when trying to come off it. And overall, the evidence for psychiatric medications being of any use is far more sketchy than we are led to believe (there are huge vested interests, and medical doctors are heavily influenced by these). Your doctor wanted to offer you something, and this is what they had available. There are other ways. Keep posting here, use charity support organisations where you can, be as assiduous as you feel able about the things we know have an impact (exercise, sleep, diet, etc.) and follow the advice of the wise people here on how to get these people out of your life as much as you can. All the best

With regards to parents evening.

Unless your ex questions you about your sons settling in at school or anything school related I’d have a standard response for him. Something along the lines of:

We are her to talk about and how he’s getting on at school, let’s stick to that for now and we can discuss this later’

Then look back to the teacher, and repeat every time he asks about anything that’s not related to parents evening.

If he approaches you afterwards, don’t respond. Walk away and leave, tell him you’ve not got time and to email/text you. Then grey rock once the text comes through

sub don't apologise. You are right. It is just shit when your surviving parent tells you they don't like you.

I appreciate everyones input. It really is helping me to get it all out. I am tapping furiously on the keyboard right now!

Thebluedog Thankfully straight after dc4's appointment I have ds3's appointment so I can't hang around anyway.

Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

Umm

re your comment:-

"He told me 2 years ago that he is only in contact with me so he can see my kids. (He doesn't see his his other 4 grandchildren) has no contact with my brother and my sister moved to the other side of the world (with her dd) to get away from him"

That says a lot as well; your siblings made plans to get away from him. That common denominator here is HE. Your children are narcissistic supply to your dad; he has no real interest in them at all and moreover probably is doing to them what has been done to you. You remain profoundly affected by his abuse and your children will be harmed by him similarly. I note too that your eldest is already grandad's favourite (and likely at the expense of the other child who becomes scapegoated); the damage here to them is well underway already. Many adult children of narcissists believe the work of fiction that their own abusive adult parent will somehow behave better when they become a grandparent. It does not happen and it ends up with those young people themselves becoming harmed and in front of your very eyes.

Your brother has no contact with dad and your sister moved to the other side of the world to get away from him. Ultimately you need to do the same i.e. have no contact at all with your dad. He failed you as a child and also failed his late wife utterly. Your problem here too is that you are still seeking his approval; approval he will NEVER give you.

Parents evening:

Prepare a short sentence that covers how the child is. "He's doing fine thanks" or whatever. Grey rock - just keep repeating that and immediately look at the teacher and ask a question about school. Is he getting on ok with other children? Has he made friends? Is he developmentally where they'd expect him to be? If you think you might freeze, memorise the phrase "Tell us more about how [kids name] is getting on". Keep your body language clearly pointing at and engaging with the teacher not him. And one final sentence for when you're leaving; "I'm off now, email me if there's anything else, bye!"

Have only scanned the thread, but if you are having to wait for counselling, there is a very good online place called The Mood Gym. It is online CBT and the course was devised by doctors who work as GPs or in mental health.

It might help you in the short term as it can start you off on the process of retraining how you think, and importantly, working on not blaming yourself for the actions of your father and your ex.

Don't forget:

This isn't your fault
You are not responsible for your father or your ex
If they are twats, it's because they are choosing to be twats.

Think hard about cutting off contact with your father; in the end, you're suffering because of it. Look after yourself and your children first.

Thank you blueangel I have just been looking at the mood gym.

Apologies for the withdrawn posts. I got emotional and ranted about things tht would have outed me even more so asked for them to be deleted.

Really do appreciate everyones responses. Glad its not just me thinking I am not going crazy. Not 100% decided on how I will proceed from here. Easy to say what I will do but not always as easy to carry it through. i am going to try though. Thank you again, just for listening me to rant and making me feel heard.