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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in an abusive relationship and don't know how to stop it

37 replies

Pinkyblue17 · 15/10/2018 01:05

I've been married for nearly 10years and have two wonderful kids.
Unfortunately my husband bullies me, calls me names, swears, shouts and puts me down when he's had a bad day l., emotionally abuses me and spends our money on frivolous silly stuff.

I have a full time job and also do the house and the kids the best I can. However it's never enough for him. Everything that goes wrong I'm the one to blame. His behaviour has been on and off this way since I ever met him.
He had a drug and alcohol addiction for the first four years of our relationship and has relapsed a couple of times. Back then he cheated on me with women he met online and I'm still here with him. I'm supposed to be and intelligent woman but WHY?! Because he's good with the kids and I don't want to break their hearts? I am lonely perhaps? I don't know! I have no one. No parents and no relatives. When my mum passed away he did not even give me a hug.
Yesterday I finally lost it and slap him once in the face after he called me a F-ing Bitxc, he pushed me three times even though he clearly knew my intention was the one slap.
It's not the first time he's called me that ( he's called me many other uncountable horrible things ) . This time I couldn't take it anymore . I agree I should not ever go physical and there is no excuse for it. I did apologise for the slap today and I would not ever go that route again.
I feel stupid! but worst than that he's making me feel like a criminal. He's called me a psycho cold hearted etc etc and his language goes on and on.
I hope no one of you goes trough anything similar to this.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 01:11

I never cease to be astonished at what some women will put up with. I expect you just don't want to be alone, but surely anything's better than this? It's no good for the DC either. They absorb what they see and think it's normal. And don't beat yourself up over the slap either. You've played into his hands and he'll make you suffer now. Seriously, you need to get out.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/10/2018 01:31

There is a better of living. Do the children witness the abuse?

IdaBWells · 15/10/2018 01:44

OP I also lost my parents very young but why on earth are you staying with this abuser? Get out while you still can.

Original poster
Pinkyblue17 · 15/10/2018 12:48

The kids don't see any of this. I've kept them in a happy bubble and I put a brave face on everyday and smile but I'm deeply unhappy

OP posts:
Madratlady · 15/10/2018 13:01

The only way to stop it is to leave. There are lots of posters here who can advise you about leaving safely. It’d also be a good idea to call women’s aid and talk things over with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2018 13:27

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has stopped you to date from leaving your abuser; fear of him, money, the kids, the fear of the unknown. All this and more besides have likely played a part here.

This is no way for you or your children for that matter to live.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Your children know more than you care or want to realise and you cannot fully protect them from his abuse of you (and in turn them).
The only way indeed to stop this is to leave. He will continue to remain abusive and otherwise obstructive because he does not want to lose his power and control over you. You lashed out due to him and his abuse of you. He is NOT good with the kids if he treats you as their mother with abuse. I think they are more heartbroken that you have stayed with him to date to be honest with you; they won't say "thanks mum" if you choose to stay with him. They will call you daft for staying, could well leave home far sooner than later and wonder why you put him before them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations should be contacted by you. They can and will help you if you pick up the phone and talk to them.

Alaria4 · 15/10/2018 14:09

First of all OP, I have major sympathy for your situation. Having been there myself, I know it feels like nothing will change or get better and let me tell you - it will not until you find the courage to leave this relationship.

You have said you have apologised for being physically, does he?

I agree with previous posters here. There are many resources for information, help and support. When you are ready to make that step I am telling you - it will be the best decision you will ever make, not just for you but for your children too.
I wish you all the best and hope you realise your worth soon enough. Only you can change this. X

Alaria4 · 15/10/2018 14:09

Physical *

PlinkPlink · 15/10/2018 15:25

Hey OP. Well done for coming here. The majority of women who are in a DV situation come on here to confirm what they're already feeling and to get some encouragement and support.

  1. your kids do know. Even if they don't see anything. They know. They hear. They pick up on vibes. They know. You will be doing them a world of good by taking them away from that situation. You will be teaching them to stand up for themselves, to have respect for themselves, to not emulate their father as a decent man.

My mother left my father. I was sad to not be with him but I knew why. It wasnt right. I was heartbroken, yes. But fuck I was proud of my mum!! She put us first even when she was facing that uncertain future. She was and still is, my hero.

  1. you need to line your ducks up a bit. It's bloody scary. The prospect of being on your own is terrifying. Every new situation is. But picture this... you leave with the kids. You will have your pride, your safety, your kids safety, your self respect and your freedom. I'd say those latter points far outweigh the way you are feeling at the moment. Cling on to that and you can draw on it later if you feel you are lacking courage

You are worth so much more than this horrible, awful being. He doesn't deserve to be called a man. Ring Womens Aid and get some advice. Find a shelter if need be. Do it all when he's out at work or if you're out at work. Line it all up. Then when he's gone out for the day or whatever, you can leave.

That slap you dished out is you fighting back. You don't want to be in this anymore. This is your subconscious screaming "I am none of those things you are calling me and I don't deserve this treatment!"

Have courage OP. Be brave and be strong.

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 15:38

So you know what you've got to do, OP. Stop talking about it, and DO SOMETHING about it! (Sorry, didn't mean to shout!)

Original poster
Pinkyblue17 · 15/10/2018 16:31

Thank you for taking your time to write to me. It means a lot!
I do agree with you all and ....
It looks like I'm not the one who needs to leave now, he's asked me divorce and is looking for a place to move to. God if I had know the slap would've had such effect....
I feel equally apprehensive but very relieved
Hope he does actually leaves!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2018 16:36

You had better make sure your money is separated from his. Immediately. If you don't already have your own account, open one and put your money in it before he takes it.

Alaria4 · 15/10/2018 16:44

Well fingers crossed he does leave.

Good luck OP! Stay safe and strong. Smile

bigknickersbigknockers · 15/10/2018 16:46

Get all your documents together, birth and marriage certificates, bank details, driving licence, child benefit, tax credits etc

Original poster
Pinkyblue17 · 15/10/2018 16:52

Does leave

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/10/2018 16:58

Have you told anyone abput the abuse?
You need to
Because he will use your self defence against you.
See a lawyer
Get paper work
Call women's aid

PlinkPlink · 15/10/2018 17:11

Fingers crossed OP.

I hope he doesn't have sinister intentions with saying such a thing. I hope he just packs his stuff and leaves.

springydaff · 15/10/2018 21:19

Freedom Programme.

Do it Pinky Flowers

YouAreMyRain · 15/10/2018 21:23

I really hope he does leave, but I suspect it's a manipulation and designed to scare and punish you after the slap

springydaff · 16/10/2018 01:29

I have to agree with Rain Sad

bumblebee39 · 16/10/2018 02:02

Leave if you can. Ring women's aid anonymously and get help to get into a refuge if you can't. My ex used to say I started the rows, but it was always him and he drove me to near madness. I ended it he refused to leave then drugged and raped me beat me around the head and tried to suffocate me. It doesn't get better, but on the plus side he didn't drive me to kill him and sometimes that's what scared me the most that one day he'd push me that bit too far and I'd grab a kitchen knife and that would be the end of him and me in prison forever

bumblebee39 · 16/10/2018 02:04

Also you'd be surprised what your kids are aware of, mine didn't feel able to come to me and tell me the things they'd heard etc. And feelings they had until we were out of the situation.
I thought they were unaware, thought he was a wonderful Dad and that I was a terrible mum. I was wrong. They are sponges and take in so much more than we give them credit for.

pallisers · 16/10/2018 02:08

I never cease to be astonished at what some women will put up with.

This times 100.

And the children are affected by this. There is no bubble. There is just real life - it could be real life lived authentically or real life with a mother who is desperately pretending that what is happening isn't happening and a dry addict abusive father who is being somewhat screened from them - but there is no bubble. There is just another generation repeating screwed up emotional behaviour and expectations.

Take your chance now, OP. Get out. do the freedom programme.

PlinkPlink · 16/10/2018 09:43

@bumblebee39

That's fucking awful Sad I hope he's rotting in prison.

Flowers
bumblebee39 · 16/10/2018 12:18

Nope got away Scot free for now. Criminal justice system my butt!! Lol xx

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