I'm in an abusive relationship and don't know how to stop it

[Pinkyblue17]

I've been married for nearly 10years and have two wonderful kids.
Unfortunately my husband bullies me, calls me names, swears, shouts and puts me down when he's had a bad day l., emotionally abuses me and spends our money on frivolous silly stuff.

I have a full time job and also do the house and the kids the best I can. However it's never enough for him. Everything that goes wrong I'm the one to blame. His behaviour has been on and off this way since I ever met him.
He had a drug and alcohol addiction for the first four years of our relationship and has relapsed a couple of times. Back then he cheated on me with women he met online and I'm still here with him. I'm supposed to be and intelligent woman but WHY?! Because he's good with the kids and I don't want to break their hearts? I am lonely perhaps? I don't know! I have no one. No parents and no relatives. When my mum passed away he did not even give me a hug.
Yesterday I finally lost it and slap him once in the face after he called me a F-ing Bitxc, he pushed me three times even though he clearly knew my intention was the one slap.
It's not the first time he's called me that ( he's called me many other uncountable horrible things ) . This time I couldn't take it anymore . I agree I should not ever go physical and there is no excuse for it. I did apologise for the slap today and I would not ever go that route again.
I feel stupid! but worst than that he's making me feel like a criminal. He's called me a psycho cold hearted etc etc and his language goes on and on.
I hope no one of you goes trough anything similar to this.

Of course he won't leave, he's just punishing you with the divorce threat to put you on the back foot.

Call his bluff and agree to it. Go and see a solicitor.

It's a total myth you children don't know what's going on - they hear every raised voice, every sigh, every slammed door. Just ask anyone with an abusive parent. Children are very sensitive to minute changes in emotional pressure.

Also you'd be surprised what your kids are aware of, mine didn't feel able to come to me and tell me the things they'd heard etc. And feelings they had until we were out of the situation.
I thought they were unaware, thought he was a wonderful Dad and that I was a terrible mum. I was wrong. They are sponges and take in so much more than we give them credit for.

Exactly.

I agree with the fact that he’s just manipulating me with the divorce idea. I told him that I also want divorce and that we need to keep peace until it’s done.

@bumblebee39
I’m sorry to hear your story. How awful!

There is a thread on mn about who woman who is struggling to forgive her mother for staying with her abusive father.

I cant tell you how wonderful it is to get rid of an abusive husband. Phone Women's Aid. They are wonderful.

My ex husband was abusive, I've been away from him for 6/7 years and it's bliss. I don't think I ever want to be back in a relationship now.

I agree with pp you should give women's aid a call, even just for a chat.

Good luck and all the very best for the future

That's really sad for you to fell this trap because you don't have family around or your friends. That's what men like that do, they drive everyone away from you so they become your everything. Please gather your thoughts and leave as it will do more damage to the kids and yourself. He needs you more than you need him. Trust me!

How's it going OP? Xx

I’m sorry with you all wonderful women, I know you won’t be very proud of me!!. Can you believe that after alll I begged him to make things work but he told me that he doesn’t love me any more ( it’s not the first time he’s said that). I felt so disappointed of myself for loosing my dignity.
I spoke to Women’s Aid next day and it was so easy to speak to them about my whole tiny troubled world. I didn’t feel judged as to why I haven’t left him and beg etc I know I’m not brave enough yet!!
The lady over the phone understood that of course I’m terrified to throw away the life and safe environment I’ve build for my kids. But I don’t know for how long I’m going to live with this man who makes me so unhappy.
I must say my dad was very abusive towards my mum and she left him when my siblings and I were very small. We didn’t have an easy upbringing, my mum was a teacher and we had huge financial difficulties and sometimes we had no food or a place to live. It wasn’t a very happy childhood. I know it could’ve been worst staying with my dad and I admire her for leaving him. She was a very hard working, loving inspirational single mum.
It’s just so sad that despite all the efforts she made, I see myself with this sort of abusive partner I’ve chosen to waste so many precious years of my life with!.
Because of my experience I’m just so scared to put my kids through a rough time and lose our home and schools etc and Turn their whole world upside down

What a scam bag
Run a mile
I did it with the help of great ladies on here and WA

Your kids know EXACTLY what is going on
This is very sad
You must leave the c--t

OP listen I went back again and again on trying to leave.
I even did leave (homeless, penniless etc.) and went back because I was sad, weak and lonely.

Do you know what though? I feel stronger now I am away from him. I feel the power coming back. And I am putting roots down all over again.

You might not be there yet it took me a while, but know that, like your mother before you and so many wonderful women I have the privilege to know now, there is a way out when you are ready.

That said, the longer you stay the harder it gets to go. At some point you will know enough is enough. When you recoil from his touch, when his hug no longer matters, when you are sick of the icy atmosphere and feeling alone even with someone, when you are ready and done you will find the strength. The universe or God or whatever you want to call it, will give you that last bit of strength to leave.

You will get there because they don't change, but no one will judge you for not being there yet.

It was a grieving process for me, I had to let go of so many things, physically, mentally etc.

But you have made the first step so well done for being brave, it takes some women days, weeks, months or even years from that first step. Slowly you will get there (or quickly) but you are stronger than you know.

Cowards do not ring women's aid, survivors do.

@bumblebee39
Thank you so much for your sincere words of wisdom and I hope to be free one day like yourself. Well done for being so brave!
I do want to feel nothing towards that man, not even resentment.
Today I excersised for an hour and it felt good. I’m trying to eat healthier and sleep better. I can’t afford to let him destroy me because my kids need me.
I sometimes feel so worthless and my self steen is so low. It’s not the best feeling to hear your husband telling you that you are not attractive... sometimes I start to believe I’m that ugly person he labels me as, so I’m going to work on looking after myself and try to take day by day

Honestly, it's amazing what a bit of distance can do and it can help you build yourself back up even if it's just being able to go to the gym, to the shops, to get a haircut etc.
In the end I wasn't even able to do those kinds of things alone. It got to the point I couldn't even speak to any of my friends or family anymore and he went everywhere with me, even to buy a carton of milk.
He knew as soon as I was on my own I would be planning my escape because he knew I didn't love him or even hate him anymore. All that was left was fear and freedom. That's where you end up, and I am so glad I got to have my freedom because not everybody gets that opportunity.

Be careful if/when you do leave OP, that is the time we are most vulnerable