Hello all, I'm new here - first posting of my own thread so a bit nervous (you'll see why if you read on). Anyway, deep breath - here goes...
It feels a bit strange to be asking advice from people I don't know but, haven't really got many people to discuss this with in real life - live abroad and friends here are fun and social rather than ones to pour- my- heart -out- to, iyswim.
To cut a long story short, my dh had an affair with someone he met through work which started about a year ago and ended (not cleanly enough though) around February this year - which is when I found out I was pregnant with our second child.
Since then we've been to counselling and much has improved and he says he's committed to me and our dd (aged six). He has also promised to move back to UK with us (a bit deal for me as we only came out here for his job and I was never very keen in the first place).
The thing is that the "other woman" (who is also married with two kids under five) is still obsessed - she was convinced that dh and I would split up and is now furious that he has not only dumped her but won't remain as her friend as he initially promised (!). I have told DH that if he wants to remain married to me then he can have ZERO CONTACT with other woman at any point - certainly could not be friends with her later on - even if our marriage improved and we'd moved back to the UK etc!!
DH has now clearly told her it's all over including friendship and that he wants no more contact with her ever. He is being open with me and tells me anytime this woman tries to contact him (he does not reply to her e-mails or pick up phone if she calls) He's also given me access to his work and other private email accounts - which he used to use to have contact with her - and he has told the other woman that I have access; so she knows that he and I are a team and that he's not keeping secrets from me.
This woman is now basically harassing him; phoning at work up to 10 times a day sometimes (he has caller id so never picks up if it's her) and so she leaves voicemail messages. She has also emailed and attached an old email of his (where he says how much she had meant to him) knowing that I could see it. Last week she left a voicemail at his work asking him to call her (which he did not) and as he did not respond she emailed him an article from a newspaper regarding marriage problems and about how men will go elsewhere if they are unhappy at home - again knowing that I might see it!!!). Upshot was that he was absolutely furious with her and shouted at her on phone; telling her to leave him alone and that we'd be considering legal advice/ restraining order against her!
This last bit must have had an impact; as she left another voicemail on Tuesday saying she was sorry for her behaviour and that she'd spoken to one of her friends who also told her in no uncertain terms that she had to stop acting like this. So...she said she understood she needed to move on and that we needed her to move on too; but that she was finding it hard to do so and just wanted the chance to see my DH in person and express all her hurt and anger at my DH at the way he'd hurt her and broken his promises (yes, my heart bleeds for her!!) and then she'd never contact him again as she'd get "closure" in this way.
When DH broached this with me, my instant response was "No way!! It's over, if she has a problem getting over it/ her hurt pride at not being in control at the ending of the relationship, then that's her problem and she can get help from her own friends or counsellor, but, not my DH!" He also does not want to see her, but just wants to put an end to all the endless phonecalls and emails etc. and believes (knowing her) that a final meet up to allow her to vent to his face (which I know about and other woman knows that I know about, for a time limited period, in a public place where I could be nearby) would do the trick and get her out of our lives for good...
I disagree, firstly I think it's her problem and that she is responsible for her own actions. If she can't or won't stop calling/ emailing we should get legal advice re. restraining order (something he's dead set against- he's worried that if we go down that route it could incite further trouble for us from her and he might lose his job - as they met through work and trawling through work phone logs etc would be terribly embarrassing etc) and secondly I absolutely dislike the notion of his meeting her alone for any reason (even if I know all the details and could be nearby and get to leave with him so she sees he is with me).
So either he meets her with the possibility that it might just stop or he doesn't and she either stops anyway or she carries on (and then we decide at that point what if any further action to take).
What would you do??
by the way, thank you for reading if you've got this far!