Not sure what to do for the best - really need some wise advice...(warning - long and rambling!)

[Fieryspark]

Hello all, I'm new here - first posting of my own thread so a bit nervous (you'll see why if you read on). Anyway, deep breath - here goes...

It feels a bit strange to be asking advice from people I don't know but, haven't really got many people to discuss this with in real life - live abroad and friends here are fun and social rather than ones to pour- my- heart -out- to, iyswim.

To cut a long story short, my dh had an affair with someone he met through work which started about a year ago and ended (not cleanly enough though) around February this year - which is when I found out I was pregnant with our second child.

Since then we've been to counselling and much has improved and he says he's committed to me and our dd (aged six). He has also promised to move back to UK with us (a bit deal for me as we only came out here for his job and I was never very keen in the first place).

The thing is that the "other woman" (who is also married with two kids under five) is still obsessed - she was convinced that dh and I would split up and is now furious that he has not only dumped her but won't remain as her friend as he initially promised (!). I have told DH that if he wants to remain married to me then he can have ZERO CONTACT with other woman at any point - certainly could not be friends with her later on - even if our marriage improved and we'd moved back to the UK etc!!

DH has now clearly told her it's all over including friendship and that he wants no more contact with her ever. He is being open with me and tells me anytime this woman tries to contact him (he does not reply to her e-mails or pick up phone if she calls) He's also given me access to his work and other private email accounts - which he used to use to have contact with her - and he has told the other woman that I have access; so she knows that he and I are a team and that he's not keeping secrets from me.

This woman is now basically harassing him; phoning at work up to 10 times a day sometimes (he has caller id so never picks up if it's her) and so she leaves voicemail messages. She has also emailed and attached an old email of his (where he says how much she had meant to him) knowing that I could see it. Last week she left a voicemail at his work asking him to call her (which he did not) and as he did not respond she emailed him an article from a newspaper regarding marriage problems and about how men will go elsewhere if they are unhappy at home - again knowing that I might see it!!!). Upshot was that he was absolutely furious with her and shouted at her on phone; telling her to leave him alone and that we'd be considering legal advice/ restraining order against her!

This last bit must have had an impact; as she left another voicemail on Tuesday saying she was sorry for her behaviour and that she'd spoken to one of her friends who also told her in no uncertain terms that she had to stop acting like this. So...she said she understood she needed to move on and that we needed her to move on too; but that she was finding it hard to do so and just wanted the chance to see my DH in person and express all her hurt and anger at my DH at the way he'd hurt her and broken his promises (yes, my heart bleeds for her!!) and then she'd never contact him again as she'd get "closure" in this way.

When DH broached this with me, my instant response was "No way!! It's over, if she has a problem getting over it/ her hurt pride at not being in control at the ending of the relationship, then that's her problem and she can get help from her own friends or counsellor, but, not my DH!" He also does not want to see her, but just wants to put an end to all the endless phonecalls and emails etc. and believes (knowing her) that a final meet up to allow her to vent to his face (which I know about and other woman knows that I know about, for a time limited period, in a public place where I could be nearby) would do the trick and get her out of our lives for good...

I disagree, firstly I think it's her problem and that she is responsible for her own actions. If she can't or won't stop calling/ emailing we should get legal advice re. restraining order (something he's dead set against- he's worried that if we go down that route it could incite further trouble for us from her and he might lose his job - as they met through work and trawling through work phone logs etc would be terribly embarrassing etc) and secondly I absolutely dislike the notion of his meeting her alone for any reason (even if I know all the details and could be nearby and get to leave with him so she sees he is with me).

So either he meets her with the possibility that it might just stop or he doesn't and she either stops anyway or she carries on (and then we decide at that point what if any further action to take).

What would you do??

by the way, thank you for reading if you've got this far!

she's a bunny boiler. don't meet, not even the two of you. just refuse further contact otherwise she won't leave you alone.

glad the baby's ok

well that changes things!

She not just a rejected woman who needs closure, she's a fruit and nut.

She backs off or you take it through the legal channel.

Agree with everyone who has said don't meet her. She has had plenty of opportunity to vent her anger in these voicemails etc, so I think that is a red herring.
Meeting will only fan a flame you need extinguished.
Another speaking from experience of bunny boiler OW's.

TBH I think your DH probably has hurt her and wronged her (although obviously she's at fault too). But perhaps it would help her to forgive and move on if he were to send her one final e-mail apologising, but making it clear that he's made his choice and he definitely won't be meeting up with her again.

Hope you don't mind me suggesting this - I don't want to imply that her feelings in any way compare to yours, but just thought this might help stop all the harassment.

I agree with not meeting up.

It is interesting and significant, i think, that she came up with this tack after your DH shouted at her. She realised she needed a diffferent approach, and has manufactured oine accordingly. She is obvioulsy hoping to get her claws into him through this meeting....she doesn't need 'closure' she has had plenty of oportiunities to say what she feels, and has been doing so. She's simply spinning it out and trying to manipulate your DH.

I wonder what her DH thinks of a meeting between his wife and your DH???

I thk your DH should calmly say no, there will be no meeting, her harrassment must stop, and if not he will defintiely seek legal advice. Or maybe that he will send the whole of these harrassing e mails etc to HER DH, as she has been sending stuff to you.

I do wish you and your DHG the besy of luck in re-building your marriage - it sound as if you are both doing v well

Neither of you should meet this woman at all; it will send her a signal to try again. You are both being manipulated by this stalker - that is what she is isn't she?. She is causing you both alarm and distress. She also sounds mentally unstable.

Do not reply to any means of communication that she sends but show all such things to the police.

Would advise you talk to the police about this matter now as this is stalking.

He may be dead set against taking legal advice but I do not feel he has any other choice now. Same with his employers; he needs to inform them about this harrassment/stalking from this woman.

It could get far worse for him with regards to her (she could become more unhinged) and this situation is bad enough already. It thus needs to be dealt with now by legal means.

Some info re stalking:-

Stalking - what is it?
Stalking or harassment (continuous tormenting) is any form of continued unwanted attention and can happen through any of the following:

• Internet chatrooms
• Text messaging
• Phone calls
• Letters
• Personal contact (directly with you, or via your friends and family etc.)
• Emails

Who are stalkers?
Stalkers can be people that you've dated, been in a relationship with, or someone you've never even met. If you know the person harassing you that still doesn't give them right to make your life difficult. And if you were in a relationship that you ended, it doesn't mean you have to put up with unacceptable behaviour from your ex because they're unhappy about the split.

What causes stalking?
There are many causes which might trigger stalking behaviour, they include:

• Many stalkers have other psychological problems and may not be able to form relationships in the normal way
• They may convince themselves that they are having a relationship with their victim, or suffer from other delusions about their victim
• They may be an ex who can't accept that a relationship is over
• Some stalkers may be motivated by revenge
• A lot of stalkers believe that that their feelings for their victims are reciprocated

Is the law on my side?
Yes:

• The 1997 Protection From Harassment Act makes it a criminal offence for anyone to harass another person.
• The 1984 Telecommunications Act makes it an offence to send a message that's offensive or indecent, obscene or menacing by a type of public telecommunications system.

So, what can I do if it happens to me?
Firstly, don't respond to any messages that you receive, because this may only encourage them to send more. Depending on the type of harassment you're receiving you can also do a number of other things:

Report it to the police
Don't worry if you know the person that's harassing you, or if they're the same sex. Whatever the situation, they'll listen and advise. In extreme cases they can also issue:

• Warnings
• Injunctions (a court order prohibiting someone from taking certain actions, like approaching you, calling you, writing to you etc.)

Tell your phone company
Most phone networks, whether you have a mobile or a landline have a malicious calls policy, and can give advice to people about what to do if they're receiving unwanted calls.

Tell your friends and family
Tell people who know you what is happening, so that they'll be aware of it. If you're travelling make some contingency plans to be picked up or meet someone, so that you're not on your own.

Remember that harassment, in any form, is not acceptable and whatever the person subjecting you to it says - it's not your fault and you don't have to put up with it.