Living with MIL - tips if you’ve been there please!

[GetOrfMyBin]

We moved in with MiL over summer. FiL died last year and it was his suggestion we move in. DH and I talked about it and I was more against it than he, but due to some big issues I agreed to move. Our house sale has been slow but it should be nearing completion now and we didn’t directly move into our own place as DH has been off work ill - thankfully he’s getting back on his feet now. We’ve been here for three months but essentially have another three years to go and already I’m tearing my hair out. (I am retraining and my course takes three years, otherwise we could’ve been out sooner.)

Before we moved she said she’d get her stuff sorted, but the day we came with our stuff in a van the house was a tip and she’d hardly done anything. So far we’ve had a couple of run ins. The biggest one has been after MiL lied and tried to be manipulative about a situation that came up. She said before we moved in that we should treat this like our home too and we’d agree on things happening within the household but that hasn’t always happened. She has a dog that sheds a lot and the agreement was she’d sort the kitchen floor (where dog mainly lives), but she’s not on top of this and I’ve ended up sorting it. She also sticks her nose in when we’re dealing with DC. We pay towards bills, buy the shopping and I’ve cooked the majority of the time we’ve been here. She isn’t all bad but there have been enough bad things since we’ve moved in.

I’m really struggling living here - DH and I have had a few fallouts already. Does anyone have any tips to keep me sane please? One of the things I’m struggling with is space. There’s only one living room and it generally smells of dog (dog never allowed in living room before FiL died, but frequently in there of a night now) and MiL is generally in there. Meals - we all eat together all the time for pretty much all meals. Even on days where we go out doing something MiL seemingly waits until we get in (which can be 1.30pm sometimes) to then start making her lunch. Ideally I don’t want to have to eat together every single day, but because we’re buying shopping we have to. There was one day where we ended up going out for a meal with DC on a whim which meant MiL wasn’t impressed and then didn’t know what to do with herself for tea. Ideally I’d like to have one meal a week if possible where we eat as a 5, but I don’t know how practical that will be.

None of this is meant to come across as harsh but I just want to spend time with DH and DC sometimes, it’s really hard having MiL constantly doing what we’re doing if that makes sense? She gets put out if we’re not involving her all the time.

People who’ve already done this/are doing it - any tips or rules you have in place that you’ve found useful?

Thank you and in advance!

Sorry should clarify - one meal a week as a 5 would be me, DH and DC. It’s 6 with MiL. I’m not suggesting that we only eat with MiL for one meal only!

I think if it's at all possible, you should move out. You can't live like that for three more years - you'll end up divorced.

I wish I did have good advice, but I fear there is none to give. Your MIL is not going to change, so I wouldn't even bother trying. All I can advise is to get out of her house as quickly as possible before it ruins your marriage.

move out

Ahh. I was afraid that’d be the response.

I’d love to move out but realistically if we do I don’t think we’d be able to get back on the housing ladder. Plus I’d never be able to retrain. It’s been really tempting, honestly it has, but I’d at least like to give it a go. We’ve moved the kids schools through moving here and I’d hate for it to have been for nothing. I’m desperately trying to avoid getting to that point but I did tell DH if MiL pulls another stunt like the one a couple of weeks ago then that’d be it, so it may end up being inevitable but right now I need to try make this work.

We lived with mil and fil for 2 months while house was being renovated. Honestly was really grateful but it was very stressful due to stress if our house builders / financially etc but living with someone else when it's not your home is hard . Things like meal times was hard like she would cook for us when I got home which was great but sometimes I liked to choose what to eat when I got home I kind of felt redundant. As soon as house was liveable we moved back in . I think we outstayed our welcome by then any way . I would move out if you can I just don't think it's worth the stress .

I think you need to bite the bullet and have an open conversation with MIL .....

In theory, you're doing it right by paying your own way. She's probably delighted with the company .... but you need to get it right now if you're planning on being there for 3 years.

Have some suggestions about dinner yourselves a couple of times a week, could she cook for kids a couple of times a week so you & DH eat together later.
Even if you have to start re-arranging your timetable e.g. after-school activity until 6 every Tuesday that'll see you all stop for dinner en-route. Break a few habits ..... but make some others that suit you all.

Sounds like she is very lonely and trying to be part of your immediate family, rather than the typical MiL role, which is understandable as you all live together.
How old are your children?
Could you afford a meal out each week? Otherwise the only thing that will make sure it's a MiL free zone is moving out.

Or maybe you, DH and MiL could all sit down and try to work out some rules and boundaries to stick to.

We lived with MIL for a few months while we had builders. I felt as if I was disrupting her and so tried my hardest to remember that when I felt frustrated. It was not our home and we had three DC as well , leaving things about, creating washing and mess.we coped , ( I mean mil and I) DH found it very difficult. He constantly wavered between chastising the children for not being perfect or resenting his mother for her exacting standards. There were nice times to be had though and it really strengthened the DCs relationship with their DGM.

I'm sorry, but it won't work.

It's her house and she won't change her ways. You're shoehorning your family into her space.

I know she's lonely but she needs to learn to live alone and you need to have your own home.

Using her for your benefit (retraining) isn't right. Can you move out but live near her?

I’d eat out at least once a week... somewhere cheap Obs. Your going to have to organise lots of family outings! Set some boundaries on what you will include mil in and what you won’t... although if you’re eating at home it’s going to be hard to justify her not eating with you. Encourage mil to go out with friends... she’d be doing that if she was rebuilding her own life after fil anyway. Put a tv on your bedroom... big bed and movie nights with kids in bed? Good luck op

I lived with my MIL for 7 months. It was tough but what helped was always having my breakfast and coffee in my room while I got ready for the day (alone time) and trying to see things from her perspective. I agree with pp that she is probably lonely and sees you all being there as an opportunity to become more close with you, her son and her grandchildren.
My MIL and I fought often but made an effort to never properly fall in out. She might just be your husbands mum but she's your family too. I would never tell her this but I really cherish the time I spend at MILs house now and think it really strengthened our relationship.

I think you are minimising how difficult it will be to move out in 3 years time. At that point, your MIL will have got used to having a family in the house and meals and finances that go with it. Then you will be gone and she will be left on her own to do what she should be doing right now - figuring out how life will be for her now that her husband has died and she is on her own.

I think this is going to take a heavy toll on your happiness and your marriage and I don't think you are doing your MIL any favours either.

I love MIL dearly. I loved my mother dearly too. I could probably have sucked up living in their house for a month or 2 during building. 3 years - no way. It isn't just you - this is bad for her too.

I think you're going to find that your husband will more and more take his mother's side. He already pressured you to move in with her.

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I agree she probably is lonely and I get that, I do, it just hard having that need for attention. She doesn’t really have friends she sees. There were people after FiL died who invited her out every couple of weeks but she missed a couple of times and they’ve not invited her out since. So she doesn’t go out much at all.

She has some differing political views (our rule is no talking about politics) and she doesn’t seem to have a filter with certain things she says, which does tend to mean we spend more time in our room of an evening. We do have a TV in there so have been having the kids up there (kids are 10/7/5).

I do appreciate the chance to be able to retrain - it was never the plan before we moved here for me to do that and it’s something she suggested. It was never the primary motive, it’s just something that came about but now I’ve started I don’t really want to have to quit. DH doesn’t want me to quit either and it will open up opportunities. DH has only just got back to work and is currently on a temporary contract. He’s looking for something permanent but there’s no way I’d be able to continue if we moved out to rent. Until the house sale goes through we couldn’t afford to move out anyway. I do feel some resentment as I didn’t want to do this, it would have been better if we’d have just stayed where we were, but I felt between a rock and a hard place. I thought there may be some problems along the way but didn’t quite expect them this early.

In terms of eating out one night a week it’s not really practical midweek or affordable otherwise...maybe once a month, twice if I could fit it in but DH is keen to save money as much as possible (as am I).

I’m trying to get things like Christmas sorted now so we can work our what we’re doing and in terms of other things trying to plan us being out. In the week term time is a bit rubbish as all DC are in school clubs every day and we don’t tend to get in til 5.30-Ish.

I know a sit down with MiL is due but it’s hard to talk to her sometimes. For example DH said he’d prefer her not to do something on this particular occasion and her response was “oh I’ll just not do that again then”. It’s like a childish response and then sometimes she does it anyway. She can be ok (I know this all doesn’t sound great). Moving out at the moment would be a very last resort. We’re all finding it difficult to adjust but she does still want us here.

Sorry there’s been some posts since I wrote the latest reply.

We did double and triple check about moving in and we’ve rechecked at each stage before moving in (even after moving in) that she was happy to go ahead and she has been. I don’t doubt it will be difficult to move out in three years but I’m definitely set on making sure we move out as soon as we can get another mortgage.

I'd never be one to tell you to spend money you don't have ... but .... assuming you could afford it, you might want to consider those meals out as a investment in your relationship(s).

Doesn't have to be a meal though, just an activity to disrupt the idea of all eating together. Needs to be something open-ended though, otherwise you'll get MIL just saying "I'll wait until you're home" for her dinner!

The longer you stay, the harder it gets. I did this and lasted a year before I couldn't take it any more. I never had a minute to myself. I had to live her life to her schedule. She drove me absolutely round the bend.

This sort of arrangement rarely works. I love my MIL dearly but I couldn’t live with her and I am sure she probably would feel the same!

You’re living in her house (technically) so isn’t it normal she would want to have mealtimes together? I guess she’s lonely and views you and grandkids as immediate family..
that said I understand the desire to want some space and to have your own family time.. . It’s completely natural but this is why most people live with their own families, not with their in laws.
the only reasonable solution here is suck it up buttercup, or move out.

She’ll feel like she is doing you a massive favour. You seem to feel as though you are doing her one. Everyone feels a bit unhappy.

How can you spend three years as a guest?! You can’t. But it isn’t your home. If it was you would not have the dog etc.

You are going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about this from her point of view. She is in charge of her own house - and that’s fair.

You can’t have it all. Free housing while you retrain or your independence. Your choice. If you choose the free housing while you retrain, then, in the words of the previous poster, suck it up, buttercup. It’s her house - she can behave how she likes in it and you can’t stop her.

I don’t doubt it will be difficult to move out in three years but I’m definitely set on making sure we move out as soon as we can get another mortgage.

I don't think you are getting the point here. In 3 years time your MIL will have to deal with an empty house and a different rhythm to her days. She will be 3 years older and in your 70s that matters.

She doesn’t really have friends she sees. There were people after FiL died who invited her out every couple of weeks but she missed a couple of times and they’ve not invited her out since. So she doesn’t go out much at all.

She should be dealing with this - reconnecting with friends/volunteering/making a life/meeting people walking the dog as well as seeing her son and family regularly. As it is she has given up the privacy of her own home, she is being instructed in a set of rules (which I don't blame you for at all) on what to expect in her own home and in 3 years time you'll say "bye now MIL, thanks so much we'll see you in a couple of weeks or so"

I think this arrangement is nuts for you and your dh but insanity for your MIL. She should be trying to create as good a life as possible for her next stage of life. Not tip-toeing around (no matter how reasonable your requests are) in her own home and forgetting about friends etc because she has people in the house with her - for a limited period only.

If your ML posted I would advise her to stop this arrangement immediately.

I think you were crazy to move in with her. It might have been FIL's suggestion when he was dying but you didn't have to do it. At best, surely you could have moved to be closer ? Not actually in her house ?

But it's all too late now. You're living cheaply and getting your retraining done, so you'll have to put up with it. It's her house / her rules so get used to it. Good luck.

This is never going to work out. The house seems too small for there to be any possibility of individual space. Also, I’d expect you to all have meals together if you’re in the house at the same time.

How many bedrooms In the house ? Is there any possibility of turning one into a second living room?