Living with MIL - tips if you’ve been there please!

[GetOrfMyBin]

We moved in with MiL over summer. FiL died last year and it was his suggestion we move in. DH and I talked about it and I was more against it than he, but due to some big issues I agreed to move. Our house sale has been slow but it should be nearing completion now and we didn’t directly move into our own place as DH has been off work ill - thankfully he’s getting back on his feet now. We’ve been here for three months but essentially have another three years to go and already I’m tearing my hair out. (I am retraining and my course takes three years, otherwise we could’ve been out sooner.)

Before we moved she said she’d get her stuff sorted, but the day we came with our stuff in a van the house was a tip and she’d hardly done anything. So far we’ve had a couple of run ins. The biggest one has been after MiL lied and tried to be manipulative about a situation that came up. She said before we moved in that we should treat this like our home too and we’d agree on things happening within the household but that hasn’t always happened. She has a dog that sheds a lot and the agreement was she’d sort the kitchen floor (where dog mainly lives), but she’s not on top of this and I’ve ended up sorting it. She also sticks her nose in when we’re dealing with DC. We pay towards bills, buy the shopping and I’ve cooked the majority of the time we’ve been here. She isn’t all bad but there have been enough bad things since we’ve moved in.

I’m really struggling living here - DH and I have had a few fallouts already. Does anyone have any tips to keep me sane please? One of the things I’m struggling with is space. There’s only one living room and it generally smells of dog (dog never allowed in living room before FiL died, but frequently in there of a night now) and MiL is generally in there. Meals - we all eat together all the time for pretty much all meals. Even on days where we go out doing something MiL seemingly waits until we get in (which can be 1.30pm sometimes) to then start making her lunch. Ideally I don’t want to have to eat together every single day, but because we’re buying shopping we have to. There was one day where we ended up going out for a meal with DC on a whim which meant MiL wasn’t impressed and then didn’t know what to do with herself for tea. Ideally I’d like to have one meal a week if possible where we eat as a 5, but I don’t know how practical that will be.

None of this is meant to come across as harsh but I just want to spend time with DH and DC sometimes, it’s really hard having MiL constantly doing what we’re doing if that makes sense? She gets put out if we’re not involving her all the time.

People who’ve already done this/are doing it - any tips or rules you have in place that you’ve found useful?

Thank you and in advance!

Absolutely what pallisers said

Beautifully put.

In terms of the mealtimes - yes I expect that she would want meal times together, but at the moment she appears completely reliant on us being here for her to eat a meal. As an example we had been out and got back later than planned, it was well past lunch time..around 1.45pm. No plans to eat together, we’d said we’d be back when we were back. As soon as we got back we started making lunch for the 5 of us and MiL chose then to come in to the kitchen and make her own lunch. The kitchen isn’t necessarily small, but by that time I would have thought she’d have sorted herself her lunch. In terms of not eating every meal together it’s to give us all a little bit of space and to try and reduce that reliance.

In terms of her friends/the people she was meeting up with, that stopped before we moved in and wasn’t to do with the fact we moved in. We don’t stop visitors coming here or anything like that. We’ve not really demanded anything of her, she was the one who said discussions on what was happening in the household would take place (having people stay over etc) so we’d like to think she’d keep to that.

I did not want to move in here but like I said it was a rock and a hard place. The main problem being my DH being off work (resulting in him losing his job) due to long term mental health problems. Moving here was part of a last ditch attempt to get him better. To some extent this has helped in that he’s back to work full time now, albeit on a temporary contract at the moment but he’s trying to get permanent work. This was part of the reason we couldn’t just move somewhere else, as well as not having the money for a deposit. The main point of us being here is to save money for a deposit, moving out and renting would pretty much negate all that and it will have been pointless selling our house. Funnily (not really) enough, our house sale fell through yesterday but it’s not just as simple as saying let’s move back then. The DC have moved to a completely new school and are just starting to get settled. Even going back and getting them into their old school would still mean massive upheaval. Plus even though DH is back at work his mental health is still precarious and I fear moving back would just push him right back down again.

The training came about after it was decided we were moving here. Originally the plan was I’d look for a job and start working, but a discussion was had and MiL suggested I go do this training and that it’d be fine to do it while I was here. In the long term this would be the best plan and now I’m doing it I don’t really want to just quit.

We’ll have to agree to disagree that MiL can just behave how she likes. I mean she could, but the relationship would be damaged forever in that case. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a little bit of give and take really. I’m trying to work ways around this, to give each other space. We already spend the majority of our time at home in the kitchen or in our room.

The house isn’t a bad size really. It’s four bedrooms, including loft conversion. There’s two bathrooms and a toilet on ground floor as well. As already mentioned the kitchen is a decent size but there isn’t room for us to turn another room into a second living room.

I do understand what you’re saying about MiL going from her and FiL, to just her, to her plus us and then back to just her again. Numerous discussions were had, we checked at each step of the way and talked about moving out and her being on her own again. We’ve asked her to repeatedly think about it throughout the whole process. FiL and BiL thought it was a marvellous idea, DH was happy to do it and it was me who had the reservations. Regardless of all that we’re here now and it’s not just as simple as moving out. That’s why I’d asked for tips from people who have been through this before to try and help it go as smoothly as possible for both sides.

I should mention that MiL has already got a rough plan for after we move out. She wants to downsize in 5 years and therefore will be moving into a bungalow or one bedroom type flat she said. She doesn’t want to do this yet, only in 5 years.

I lived with MIL for nearly a year when we were made homeless whilst looking for a house. It was supposed to be about 3 months but became 11.

It was awful. I had a nearly 1 year old and a 2 year old and no child care. MIL didn't do a single minute of child care or help in any way when I was clearly exhausted a d overwhelmed. Except give me unsolicited advice.

I wish I had put boundaries and expectations in place. Who does cooking/shopping / laundry. I also wished i had actually asked her for childcare / put my needs above wanting to be a polite guest. It ruined my attitude towards her (though i kept a polite facade). Now I will never look after her when she is elderly. I will leave all of that to DH. It sounds awful, but in my hour of need, she did exactly what she wanted, which i accept is her choice. Sorry, bit of a tangent there!

She (my MIL) probably resented the intrusion, and i resented bending over backwards not to be intrusive at a time when i had enough on my plate to not have to factor in yet another person's needs.

Work out what you need to be happy (boundaries), clearly articulate them and stick to them. Otherwise, move out.

It sounds like you are the one under the most strain having to tiptoe around your MIL and support your DH, so I think you need to find ways of making it better for yourself. The house sounds like a decent size but not really big enough to have separate lives so I would plan to have as much time out of the house as possible - if your MIL is always there you are never going to have your own's family way of doing things whilst there. Are you able to have weekends away so that you and MIL can have a bit of space?
I have been in a similar situation with DM and could have written the same description of coming back to have a late lunch!! It is tricky but I have found that giving very vague information about my plans helps. So if I was going out with DH and DCs I would reiterate that we didn't know when we would be home, that we might eat out, plans would be flexible etc and that DM should go ahead and eat without us.
I think it is important not to get stuck into a tight routine as when that routine is suddenly broken it can cause shock and upset. I don't know if your DCs have any extra-curricula activities that you could use as a way of having an early meal/picnic/McDonalds etc and a bit of family time. You could have meals together with MIL when it suits you but maybe say that at weekends you will do your own thing and suggest that she plans her own meals.
If you only have one living room I would make the bedrooms as comfortable and homely as possible. Put a kettle and a nice selection of drinks/mugs/snacks in your room.

Having said all of that it is your MIL's house and you can't have a say in how she behaves and you can't dodge her completely! Your life is not going to be how it was before and you need to accept that, make the best of it and have a plan of how you will move on from this.