Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got rejected.

59 replies

HAKAY2018 · 14/10/2018 17:21

Hi,

Okay just admitted how I feel about this guy that I’ve spoken to non-stop for 2 months! Seems like I was reading all the signs wrong despite him doing all the following;

-Messaging me every single morning at 7:30AM because he knew that I was ready and out of the house heading to work at this time.
-Asking how my day was, what I did, him telling me what he did etc.
-Showing me photographs of his parents and sisters and telling me how well I would get on with them
-Messaging me at 8:00PM because he knew I finished work then
-Talking till late at night till one of us fell asleep
-Meeting up whenever we were free

Anyway... told him I liked him and he didn’t completely reject me but I felt that he was trying to be nice about not feeling the same...

He said that he wasn’t sure about the future and that it was too early to talk about the subject.

Told him that I wasn’t proposing or planning a wedding and that I wasn’t in love with him but only liked him and felt that he should know.

Anyway, I told him that I wasn’t prepared to invest my feelings or time any longer if he wasn’t interested in me.

Feel like a complete idiot! And I’ve done so much for this guy! Spend 2 whole days going through his 96 page thesis and correcting and adding things with him. Waited a hour in the rain for him to meet me once and ended up sick for 2 weeks. He admitted that he had noticed my feelings and that I liked him which got me really mad - IF YOU NOTICED, WHY did you not tell me that you weren’t ready for it?? Tbh I was actually falling in love with him but would have never said this...

Called him a player for playing with my feelings which got him angry.

Just feel like crap since this was the first time that I had told someone that I liked them first! And it’s not like we are young, both 28.

How do I get over all this? Gutted that I lost him but relieved that I’ve spared my heart from future trauma... but still gutted and upset.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 14/10/2018 21:34

It’s shit when you have feelings for someone and it turns out that they’re not reciprocated.

TBH though I’m not sure that he deliberately led you on, but if he’s very much like you and is into having very close friendships then it’s possible that he genuinely went over the top with his attention and because nothing happened and the longer nothing happened he felt safe within said friendship. Iyswim.

I would have thought that if he’d wanted to lead you on more there would have been something physical but there hasn’t been in over two months? Not even kissing?

What do you know about his past relationship history? Could it be that he’s gay and has just assumed that you knew? Or that he just doesn’t talk about this stuff?

When I was a teenager I had a friend who became very physical and would then tell me that I had to remember there was nothing between us. Twat he was but I had feelings for him and fell right into the trap at the time....

Shambu · 14/10/2018 22:00

He's 28 he's not 17. The level of intimacy and times of contact is gf territory not friend territory and when OP said getting fond of him and said he felt the same. He could have and should have backed off at that point and told her he only saw her as a friend. But he knew perfectly well if he did that she'd back off herself.

He's playing a massive game of watching her fall for him for the ego boost and not risking anything from his side.

MMmomDD · 14/10/2018 22:03

OP - it’s only been 2 months, not long enough for a real heartbreak.
I think it’s more the worry of approaching 30 that is making it worse for you.
Take a breath. You’ll be fine....

Generally - with anyone - if after two months of seeing each other there is no indication of physical tension and, at least - some contact - kissing, etc - it’s safe to assume you are in a friend zone.
Him saying that he was fond of you a may have not been a lie. But there is a difference between fondness and attraction.

It’ll get better soon. Really it will.

Shambu · 14/10/2018 22:54

Friend zone is not messaging first thing in the morning talking last thing at night, is not telling someone they'd really get on with their family and meeting up wherever you're free etc. That level of intensity is not friendship at 28 - at 16, sure.

OP has been a a surrogate gf, performing all the functions of a gf including help with dissertation, without the sex.

HarmlessChap · 15/10/2018 09:41

It sounds like you were fulfulling an emotional need but he didn't have sexual desire towards you. Could he be asexual?

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/10/2018 11:11

I write a very similar post last week and my circumstances were very similar OP, with the differences that we are into our 40's (seems men never grow up) and we had become intimate over those 2 months. He led things - always arranging the next meet up, telling me all about his kids/family and how we'd get on, booking weekends away into next year for us. He turned up at my house as expected one evening last week but no overnight bag as he would usually have and told me he wanted "a chat" and that he felt the spark had gone!

I was only just really getting that 'spark' (as I'm 40, not 16 and need to get to know someone first) so was completely shocked and pissed off to be honest that someone could go from so hot to so cold in a matter of days but he clearly did and at least he was honest after 2 month, not months down the line once we had met each other's children/families, etc.

The rejection does hurt though and for me brought back lots of the feelings I had 10 months ago when my dh and I separated (he was having an affair).

I just think some people don't know what they want and people like us find ourselves on the receiving end, unfortunately. I think we will end up ok though...they will probably never quite work out what they want.

He even said (after the "spark has gone" speech) that I have his number if I want to keep in touch! Erm...no thanks! I deleted our conversations (which had been pretty much endless for 2 months) and have not contacted him since. Try and keep hold of that pride and use it to get over him and move on.

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/10/2018 12:02

Aw that's wrong of him to say you would like his family and then reject you. However friends of mine have often included me in family things so maybe you reminded him of his sister? And that's why he said it? Rejection is the worst thing in relationships 

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 15/10/2018 13:04

Thank you guys!

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night thanks to him!

I think what made me so frustrated was the fact that I did tell him that if this was how he felt then he should have hinted that I was just a sister or a friend to him but he said ‘well you weren’t just that!’ - well if I wasn’t what’s with the rejection?

Can’t stop reading over the messages we have shared... I genuinly thought ‘great, this is the one and every past heartbreak has been worth it because it’s led to this guy...’

Can’t believe how conceited some people really are! Using and playing with girls feelings for a ego boost and then they have the cheek to get defensive when you call them a player!

OP posts:
subspace · 15/10/2018 13:09

Hang on, what did you both actually say? In your OP I wondered if you'd got terribly muddled in that conversation, and with your most recent post I'm wondering that again.

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 15/10/2018 13:28

I told him I liked him.

He said; I like you also but... then a whole paragraph about how he didn’t feel like he was good enough and that he had been drinking and partying for the past two nights. But he didn’t want to tell me because he knew that I hated that stuff.

I said that I knew but had still managed to fall for him.

He then proceeded with excuse after excuse about how different we were.

He then said sorry for making me feel this way.

And then I said the following; (coppied and pasted)

I told you before, I like to speak my mind so I don’t regret it later.
I’ll probably be upset or angry at myself for a week but I’ll be fine later and forget all of this so don’t worry about me.
It was nice knowing you and I wish you all the best for the future 🙂

And he just said: okay thank you and same with you.

And no other contact from him.

OP posts:
Shambu · 15/10/2018 13:35

I wouldn't ever consider someone 'the one' after two months. Anyone can seem like the one in that timeframe.

Everything else is fair enough as I think he led you on. He was obviously not being completely honest about his partying.

But hey, it's not been too long.

bluetrampolines · 15/10/2018 14:37

Definitely dont contact him again

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 15/10/2018 15:12

Just deleted his messages. Hopefully, everything will be fine from here on and I can erase him from my life and mind.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/10/2018 15:31

Please block him now, HAK, there's no going back from that. I can almost hear the sigh of relief from him in that last response.

You can have better than him.

RivanQueen · 15/10/2018 16:58

Sounds to me like he knew exactly what he was doing HAKAY, he had you there to do favours for him, wait around for him and he had to do absolutely nothing except send you a couple of texts at certain times of the day. You were brave and let him know how you were feeling, give yourself a big pat on the back for that a lot of women will wait for the guy to make the first move and end up wasting their time on someone who's just using them for an ego boost. He didn't reciprocate, you called him out on his behaviour and he didn't like it (the fact that he got angry after pretty much blatantly telling you he had been playing you He admitted that he had noticed my feelings says so much about what's he's really like as a person). You are 100% better off without this guy in your life, doesn't sound to me like he's the lovely bloke he's led you to believe he is. Now you're free for the right guy to come along who is interested in you and having a relationship with you. I wouldn't worry to much about being 28 years old young and not being in a relationship and getting ready for marriage and children. I met my DP when I was 32, been together 5 years, we're planning our wedding and we've got our first DC on the way (yay!). You've got plenty of time. Flowers for you, being knocked back sucks but the right man is out there for you and now you can go out into the dating world and find him.

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 15/10/2018 17:05

Thank you RivanQueen 💓💓💓

OP posts:
ThanksHunkyJesus · 15/10/2018 17:09

I think you sound like you've got your head screwed on straight. A lot of women would have been chasing after him trying to get him to change his mind and to be honest I think that's what he was probably banking on but you haven't done that. The right person is out there for you but while you're pining after this loser you're not going to find them.

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 16/10/2018 11:43

I’ve had to slap my hand a few times from messaging him... I have a lot of pride but feel like I’m possibly going to lose it any moment and contact him...

OP posts:
Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 16/10/2018 11:44

ThanksHunkyJesus

I think this is what he expected me to do... to beg and plead but that isn’t happening. However, I am slowly losing self control over contacting him haha!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 16/10/2018 12:09

Delete his number if you can't resist temptation! If he wanted you, he would have let you know by now. Don't be someone's 'good enough'.

Original poster
HAKAY2018 · 19/10/2018 00:56

Erm... we kind of... decided to be friends again...

He contacted me and explained that he had been in a 2 year relationship which had mutually been ended 6 months ago.

Explained that he really liked me and had shown my photos to his sisters and they really liked me and wanted to meet me in person.

But he didn’t want to throw ‘I like you too’ back in case he changed his mind or I changed mine so we should be certain first.

Suggested that we should continue to be friends for a little longer to get to know each other and till he finishes his studies (this month I think?) because he’s unsure what country/city he will be living in next.

I’m very confused. Is he for real??!!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/10/2018 01:41

Well it's possible he just panicked initially and the space you've given him has made him realise he's missed you.

I'd probably give it a go as friends but let him make any future moves.

mrbob · 19/10/2018 01:50

Don’t do it. He is a dick

Casperandme · 19/10/2018 04:00

I’ve been exactly in this position and it was horrible. In a way it was worse than regular breakups because we have more of a language for when there’s been physical intimacy than when it’s emotional.

Learn from my mistakes and leave him behind. I tried to make friendship work but just ended up so hurt.

It’s a while ago now but the more time passes the more I’m certain I was almost a surrogate girlfriend and being used.

Aaaahfuck · 19/10/2018 07:49

I think you need to be really careful here. He's managed to craft the situation so he has all of the power. Like he's the one who gets to decide what is happening. Its also alarming that he couldn't just say what was going on for him at 28 that's not a good sign! I've always felt that people will be with the people they want to be with. So for example if you've come out of a long term relationship and meet someone sooner than expected if it feels right you want to be with them and make it happen. Personally I'd back off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread