Don't think I can forgive him

[Mazda4]

Last night was an utter shambles of mine and my partners relationship. Been together two years, he knows I have social anxiety, I don't like meeting huge groups of new people all at once it terrifies me. I wish it didn't, wish I was more outgoing, but I'm not. I've also been diagnosed with depression recently, which I think is not helping how I'm feeling right now.

He got invited to a party last night and took me along. I didn't really want to go as I knew no one there but decided to go for him and to hopefully make myself feel a bit better. Half an hour there and he completely abandons me. Just leaves me sitting by myself with no one to talk to while he went dancing, something he claims to hate. I don't mind the dancing, if he'd left me with people to talk to, but they'd already gotten up to dance and he just stood up and walked away too not long after they left, didn't even ask me.

He came back eventually and apparently said sorry for leaving me although I never heard this so don't believe him. He then asked what was wrong, I told him and he went off on one at me. Said that I shouldn't be forcing him to sit with me all night and other stuff that I can't remember now. If he was sorry, why fly off the handle? He had a go at me for being on my phone too, what else am I gonna do when I've been left alone, just sit there like an idiot? I said I may as well just go home and leave him to have his fun so he threw my keys at me. Then demanded I take him home too because I had ruined the night.

We got home and he started yelling at me straight away, said some really nasty things like I'm boring, I never want to have fun, just sit there like a brick and not drink and talk to people. I had been talking to people, but bit difficult to talk to people when there's no one there. I can't go up to strangers and start making a conversation.

I do think he has a problem with drink to be honest, because he does this every time he drinks. He only had two last night but it's not the first time he's insulted me like this. He's called me boring before for not drinking or going out a lot.

He can be lovely, but he's not apologised for the insults and even if he did now I don't think I can forgive him for it. Told him that if we stay together I'm never going out with him again to parties or anything, I'm sick of how he treats me at them. They should be enjoyable, not end in arguments every time.

I dunno what to do. Am I over reacting like he says? I dunno if I want to split up, it makes me cry when I think about it, but makes me cry too when I think about what he said. I'm not like his friends basically, I'm not outgoing, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do weed etc. They have more fun than me and really he wants me to be like them. But I never will be.

It soulnds like you’re totally incompatible and he lacks any emotional maturity.
You can’t change him, he can’t change you.

Do you want to spend your life thinking the person you’re with would rather you were different.

That's the thing, I don't. But he then says that he doesn't want to change me and loves me the way that I am. If that were true, he wouldn't insult me.

He’s just horrible. What do you get out of the relationship? What does he get out of it - if you’re really so awful, why is he with you?

He's horrible and very immature.
I would dump him and make some real friends.

Why are you and he together at all now?. Out of habit, fear of the unknown?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now to state that you do not want to split up with him. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

You and he are fundamentally incompatible and I would state that you and he should not be together. He sounds bloody awful as do his friends and is no decent partner to you. He treats his friends far better than you.

I think he likes having you around to boss about as he sees fit; you are his emotional punchbag. Such men like described do not change for anyone.

I'd dump him, too. He's horrible. It's okay to dump someone when you find you no longer like them, you know.

I can't imagine this is ever going to work out. He wants to socialise and you don't. It does sound as though you're unwilling to make an effort to even try to strike up conversation, and being on your phone at a party is ridiculous.

Neither of you appear to be mature enough for a relationship.

I definitely wouldn’t stay in this relationship, he was gratuitously and needlessly cruel to you. I don’t see how you can come back from that.

Just as a sidebar though, why didn’t you go with them when they all got up to dance? He sounds horrible and I’m by no means excusing his behaviour, but you didn’t have to sit there by yourself if you didn’t want to. I get that you couldn’t approach a strange group, but you could have joined the group you were with who had decided to dance.

As you've given him an ultimatum about how you want the relationship to go I suspect that the decision about its future will be taken out of your hands. You have both behaved insentively to each other because you are most likely fundamentally incompatible.

If he loves you, he's got a funny way of showing it. You might find that it helps your depression not to be living with a nasty little prick.

Apologies, I meant a nasty drunken little prick.

You could have joined him on the dance floor? Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and make the effort to be sociable and at least act as if you're enjoying yourself.

That said, you are how you are and if you don't appeal to him and vice versa, it's time to separate. You're fundamentally incompatible and will continue to argue - he sounds quite nasty when riled up, which you definitely do not deserve however irritating he finds your behaviour.

He is nasty, pull up your big girl pants, dump him by text, and switch off your phone.
There are some very nice men out there, don't waste any more time on this loser.

I dont like to dance. Why should I be forced to? He didn't invite me to dance either, he just got up and left.

I don't mind if he wants to dance and have fun. But I do mind being left on my own. I wouldn't just get up and walk away and leave him by himself if we were with my friends and he knew no one. It's rude.

There's many reasons why I haven't dumped him yet. It will make life really difficult to do so, and I'm already struggling. He does help sometimes, but he makes things worse too when he doesn't care. We used to get on much better and I dunno what's happened to us. I used to see a future with him, he's been the only person I thought I would marry. But the last few months have just been getting worse. I dunno if counselling would help us or if we are too far gone for that.

You say you don't mind him dancing but only if he doesn't leave your side. So either you dance too other has to sit beside you all night.

That's not normal, I think your unsociability is going to prevent you getting through this.

Two years in is a good time to reassess the future has a bad time to decide to settle with someone you’re so different from.

What will be so difficult about breaking up? Change is always hard but it’s a million times better to end it now and find someone you’re compatible with and with whom you can enjoy the same lifestyle than to stay and let resentment grow until you hate each other.

It won’t get easier to leave the longer you leave it.

What’s stopping you from walking away?

He doesn't sound nice at all. But I couldn't cope with someone who's dependent and unsociable at parties. You need to find someone who's similarly introverted (and doesn't insult you).

I get that social anxiety is a problem, and that someone who doesn't suffer from it can find it hard to understand.

I understand feeling weighed down by a partner and being frustrated by it.

However I can't understand shouting and insulting the person you hypothetically love. Name calling is immature and shows you have no control, or ability to distinguish between resolving a problem and just shouting to make yourself feel better. It's deliberately hurtful and contributes nothing. If this is how he behaves when there's a small problem, how do you think he's going to react 10 years down the line when there's a big problem with your kids, or the house, or the job?

You both either need to really focus on communication so you both know exactly how each other feels, and both be confident to say to the other person "No, I don't want to do this, but I'm not going to stop you - go have fun" and really mean it. You both have individual lives and can do individual things - you don't have to go to every party, and he doesn't have to stay home with you all the time. However if the pair of you are not able to talk through all of this and reach a compromise that you're both happy with, then I'm not sure where you see this relationship ending up.

Do you want to be married to someone when any time there's a problem he calls you names?

picklepost I never said I wanted him by my side all night. I said that I minded being left on my own. He left me with no one to talk to. Him and me were the last people sat at our table and he stood up and walked away leaving me by myself. He didn't ask me to dance with him, and he ignored me when I asked him if he was just leaving me by myself. I wouldn't have minded if there had been other people there to talk to. But there wasn't. And I knew no one there. Sorry that I'm not perfect and can't go up to strangers and talk to them, but social anxiety kind of prevents that.

Anne Loves Gilbert the fear that I'll never find anyone else I guess Anne. I have little self esteem and he's pretty much ruined what I had. Why would anyone want someone boring?

I can totally understand that. I left an awful marriage in my thirties, not knowing if I’d meet anyone else, knowing I wanted a family at some point, feeling alone and scared and skint and miserable. It sucks.

But you know what sucks more? Watching time tick by feeling lonely IN a relationship. Knowing it’s not what it was, what you thought you’d signed up for, knowing it’s making you into someone you don’t recognise.

Being with someone who doesn’t want what you want chips away at everything. The longer you stay unhappy, the unhappier you’ll be love

What he should have done...knowing he was leaving you sitting in your own while he wanted to dance ...was to ask - do you mind. Then of course you wouldn't mind and can entertain yourself on the phone etc until he gets back. That would have been the most courteous way to behave.

Unfortunately that didn't happen and it spiralled out of control. What he said is horrific and I wouldn't stand for it tbh. If that's his view leave and find someone more compatible and understanding

He doesn't sound like a nice man and I wouldn't forgive the name calling. But you need to take responsibility for your own social anxiety. I say this as someone who can suffer myself. I'm alright with groups of people I know and am comfortable with, and I have days that are better and more confident than others. But on a bad day I can be that person sitting alone in a group of people just not knowing what to say. It's painful for me and I'm aware it can make others uncomfortable too. I hate it.

But it's my problem. It's up to me to do something about it. The people I socialise with are not obliged to 'look after me' when they are supposed to be having a good time themselves. It really is up to us to make the effort, and if we can't then we can ask for psychological support to change. There is absolutely no reason our friends and partners should have to spend their evenings sitting quietly with us when what they want to do is dance and mingle.

There’s no excuse for his behaviour, but maybe it can be partly explained by him finally getting frustrated beyond belief by the ways your anxiety limits him/the relationship and it boiled over. He was wrong to act the way he did, perhaps he realised finally you’re just too incompatible as a couple? It can be really upsetting, jarring, frightening to make that realisation for the first time. Wonder if he’s pushing you away so you’ll be the bad guy and dump him.

You’re not compatible so this relationship isn’t gonna work out anyway, so even though he was a prick about it it almost is irrelevant now as you have nothing to salvage. Have you ever had your social anxiety treated btw? It’s a treatable condition, not a death knell you have to live with for good. There are all kinds of ways to manage and improve it, from having therapy (available on the NHS or privately) to self help to medication. But you do have to be motivated, and you do need at times to (as a PP said) take a deep breath and start slowly exposing yourself to the things you’re afraid of.

You might not want to do the work to improve it, in which case when you are looking for a new partner eventually you will have to make sure you pick someone equally socially anxious. But that’s no guarantee I guess as people do and can change and you don’t want to end up a few years down the line with a guy who has put the work in to improve his mental health issues and is flourishing while you’re still scared and anxious socially.

Whatever happens with your current OH, you’ll be left being you. Are you happy with the way you are socially? Social anxiety is horrible cos it can affect so many parts of life and really hold you back, I really sympathise.

Great post ChippyPickledEggs and hopefully it’ll resonate with OP cos you’ve been (and are?) where she is.

Why will it make life really difficult to end the relationship? Are you dependent on him in some way?

But the last few months have just been getting worse. I dunno if counselling would help us or if we are too far gone for that.

I’d sack the idea of couples counselling tbh and look for counselling just for yourself, preferably CBT for the anxiety. Put the work in for yourself and it’ll help the relationship if you’re still in it, but more importantly it’ll help you and make you stronger so that whatever happens with this guy you feel strong and secure and unafraid to be independent if a relationship isn’t working out or you feel you’re not being treated the way you deserve.