Don't think I can forgive him

[Mazda4]

Last night was an utter shambles of mine and my partners relationship. Been together two years, he knows I have social anxiety, I don't like meeting huge groups of new people all at once it terrifies me. I wish it didn't, wish I was more outgoing, but I'm not. I've also been diagnosed with depression recently, which I think is not helping how I'm feeling right now.

He got invited to a party last night and took me along. I didn't really want to go as I knew no one there but decided to go for him and to hopefully make myself feel a bit better. Half an hour there and he completely abandons me. Just leaves me sitting by myself with no one to talk to while he went dancing, something he claims to hate. I don't mind the dancing, if he'd left me with people to talk to, but they'd already gotten up to dance and he just stood up and walked away too not long after they left, didn't even ask me.

He came back eventually and apparently said sorry for leaving me although I never heard this so don't believe him. He then asked what was wrong, I told him and he went off on one at me. Said that I shouldn't be forcing him to sit with me all night and other stuff that I can't remember now. If he was sorry, why fly off the handle? He had a go at me for being on my phone too, what else am I gonna do when I've been left alone, just sit there like an idiot? I said I may as well just go home and leave him to have his fun so he threw my keys at me. Then demanded I take him home too because I had ruined the night.

We got home and he started yelling at me straight away, said some really nasty things like I'm boring, I never want to have fun, just sit there like a brick and not drink and talk to people. I had been talking to people, but bit difficult to talk to people when there's no one there. I can't go up to strangers and start making a conversation.

I do think he has a problem with drink to be honest, because he does this every time he drinks. He only had two last night but it's not the first time he's insulted me like this. He's called me boring before for not drinking or going out a lot.

He can be lovely, but he's not apologised for the insults and even if he did now I don't think I can forgive him for it. Told him that if we stay together I'm never going out with him again to parties or anything, I'm sick of how he treats me at them. They should be enjoyable, not end in arguments every time.

I dunno what to do. Am I over reacting like he says? I dunno if I want to split up, it makes me cry when I think about it, but makes me cry too when I think about what he said. I'm not like his friends basically, I'm not outgoing, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do weed etc. They have more fun than me and really he wants me to be like them. But I never will be.

Thanks Jessie - I've improved loads. Can now dance happily (even when sober!) so can join in with that and genuinely enjoy it. And the rest is variable. I have confident days when I seem to interact really well with others, but can still have bad days/events too when I can feel really self conscious. But I have got to grips with how to help myself, and often that boils down to feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

If OP, or anyone else reading the thread is interested, here are some of my top tips:

1. Understand that everybody finds it hard to an extent. Everybody cares what others think of them; everybody can worry they're not up to scratch; everyone has the potential to feel limited by their own self consciousness. Other people are usually too focused on how they're being perceived to be scrutinising you! Honestly, they don't care.

1. Show an interest in others. Social anxiety is a strange form of self obsession, where we're so utterly focused on ourselves and how we are perceived by others, it paralyses us. Ask other people questions about themselves: their jobs, their hobbies, their thoughts on lighthearted current events. Ask open ended questions and listen to the answers - there's always a thoughtful follow up question you can ask.

3. Develop your own passions and interests. This makes you interesting and gives you things you can talk about with enthusiasm.

1. It's worth making an effort with your appearance. You'll feel more confident and people respond positively to that.

1. You have to try. Sometimes it will go well and sometimes it won't. Doesn't matter. Keep trying.

Oh, and last tip: having a boyfriend who is an arsehole to you won't help your confidence any. Ditch him. He isn't responsible for your anxiety but neither does he have any right to be a shit to you because of it.

I'm sorry to say this, but you sound like an absolute nightmare. No wonder he is feeling frustrated. I couldn't deal with your clinginess at all.

@Djnoun

That's really uncalled for. I think op has stated more than once she has social anxiety, you obviously don't know what means or what that entails,?!

I've never been diagnosed with social anxiety but I do have GAD and if I'm somewhere out of my element especially a party with no one I know I get very nervous. You basically feel alone, a loner and a nuisance so I get what op went through. I was always honest with my bf he somehow got me used to going to places. I still get nervous but just tell myself it's only for a few hours" just to get through it . Also, not a good idea but I have a drink (or 4!) to get me Merry it always works taking my nerves away so I'm able to at least socialise a bit

This isn't a relationship I'd want to be in. I think you're incompatible and just never going to social events with him will be the demise of the relationship.

He'll meet other girls/ladies more like him...who dance and like to party..and have fun....so you'll appear boring. That's a perfect recipe for him to have an affair.

Having said that it's not nice that he left you and just walked off to dance.

He says he likes you as you are...that's not true according to this.

he started yelling at me straight away, said some really nasty things like I'm boring, I never want to have fun, just sit there like a brick and not drink and talk to people

There's many reasons why I haven't dumped him yet. It will make life really difficult to do so, and I'm already struggling.

You sound dependant on him.

It was a mistake to ‘go for him’ as you didn’t know anybody and were only ever going to cramp his style if you’ve got tgat degree of anxiety. You say you would not have minded if he danced and you weren’t alone. I get the feeling that he’d have been in trouble for leaving you alone with strangers if he had of done that and if he wanted to dance then actually you’d be more comfortable by yourself on your phone (I know I would be!). chippypickledeggs wrote some excellent posts. I’m also not great in groups but it’s not my DH’s responsibility never to leave me and it’s my responsibility to only do what I can cope with. My happiness is my responsibility.

Personally I’d not go out to events like that again if it’s not your thing. My DH and I are very different people so do things separately but make the most of what we do have in common at other times.

How are things with the rest of your relationship? I get the impression things aren’t great in other respects too?

You say you didn't want him to be next to you all night but you also say you shouldn't have been left alone, that you knew no one there and couldn't attempt conversation with people you didn't know.

Thus, it was him or no one. And no one was what happened, and it made you infuriated.

I think he has reached his breaking point. He had two drinks and was having a dance with his friends. When he came back you had a go at him and said you were leaving. At that point I doubt you were even there an hour?

I think you guys are going to break up pretty soon and just as well as you are totally incompatible, socially.

There will be someone more introverted who will suit you better in the future.

Keep working on building your resilience socially, OP. It will serve you for life.

I had a boyfriend who was an idiot when drunk. Although that's not why we split, I wouldn't make the same mistake of having a partner like that again.

I rarely drink these days, and can't remember the last time I had more than one glass. I dance socially as a hobby but my God, pubs and clubs and drinking culture leaves me cold, so It wouldn't suit me to date a boozing party animal. Sounds like it doesn't suit you, either, so why not agree to part and go find yourself a nice bookworm or otherwise introvert type to hang out quietly with? (Not a criticism, I'd love that too!)

Thanks for the advice. We are on a break now as I can't move out. He could but I'm not going to force him. I just want time to think basically before committing to breaking up properly.

Lots of people have anxiety op but you seem to claim yours as a badge of honour.

You freely admit that to ur anxiety has a severely negative impact on your own life and it comes across that you're comfortable for it to impact negatively on your partner's life too.

That's not normal or healthy, you sound very controlling.

@Issy777

Not at all. I had anxiety so bad as a teenager that I didn't leave the house for six months and ended up being admitted to a psychiatric unit. But that doesn't mean that it's right for people to lay the blame for their own anxieties at other people's doorsteps. The partner of the OP is acting completely normally and she's expecting him to baby her to a degree that totally impinges on his freedom. I couldn't deal with that in a partner.

Well said Djnoun.

As a parallel, this is something I’ve also had to learn when dealing with my eating disorder. It’s nobody else’s responsibility but mine and I can’t expect my family and the rest of the world to revolve around big triggering me!

Since I’ve realised that, I’ve taken greater care in learning to manage myself and been more successful than ever before in overcoming my weakness and finding coping strategies.

It’s not easy but it’s empowering

You are incompatible OP.
You say that you are scared of breaking up because you are worried you’ll never meet anybody else. Who wants someone boring. The answer is lots of people actually. Not everyone likes parties and dancing. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. My ideal Saturday night is going to the movies to watch an action movie and then McDonald’s. If my partner wanted to be out drinking and kicking up his heels then that wouldn’t work for me. He doesn’t do that stuff. He doesn’t even like going to his works xmas party and we never party on NYE. We suit each other. We are duvets and Netflix people. You need to find somebody who likes doing what you like doing. It’s way too stressful otherwise.