Dating App Advice

[Sportyman]

Dear All.

first post so please be nice :)
so I have been chatting and dating a woman for 7 weeks now, I know not very long at all.
in that time we have met up 4 times, stayed the night in a hotel on one occasion. texting many times every day, a lot of texts to be fair.
all appears to be going well, especially given there is a 2 hour drive between us.
we came together as I was visiting friends and she dropped me a message (on bumble) and it just snow balled from there.
I came off bumble 3 weeks later or so as I couldn't be texting/dating more than one at a time.
slight issue for me is, I know that she is still on there.
one could argue that she has every right to be.
yes I do "go back on" to see if she was still on there, and yes still is today. so,
how much should one read into that?
at what point do I mention it to her, if I should at all?
and if I mention it to her, how far should it be taken?? as in could I see if she has any recent conversations?

many thanks for any helpful advice

my point being, from the outside, it could appear she is still chatting and dating other guys?

Well, if she's still on Bumble, she's at least looking still.

Do you want exclusivity and an LTR with this woman? If so, you need to talk it over with her.

Thanks for your time to reply Lifeisabeach09.

well yes, I do. I know the distance is not perfect, but we have both made an effort.
she does seem genuine I must say, and has said some lovely things
"I don't sleep/get intimate with anyone that I don't have feelings for "
when asked for a little reassurance on an issue she says " you've nothing to worry about" she is very tactile and warm.
just this point she is still on the App, like you say gives me the impression she is still looking, as in I know he is far away, too far away for anything really serious so ill keep my options open for someone local.
uhmmm I want to raise this point but, well, not sure ive grounds to really

Hang on a tick; how do you know she’s “still on there”?

You “came off” but didn’t delete your profile, clearly, as you’ve been back on there to check, which you couldn’t do without one. And how do you see her profile unless either you’re swiping and she still pops up, or you just see the messages you’ve previously exchanged because neither of you have unmatched. There’s no other way to see someone, as far as I’m aware and you certainly can’t see what time people have been on, so you don’t know for sure that she actually has.

All you really know for a fact is that she hasn’t deleted the app yet. But then neither have you, and you’re not actively looking so why assume she is?

I definitely wouldn’t be mentioning you’ve been checking up on her, no. If you want to be exclusive and for you both delete dating apps, then have “the talk”. Until you say that explicitly I don’t think you can assume she should mind read and delete it, whether or not she’s active on it.

And of course you have grounds; you’re seeing each other and have been for 7 weeks; it’s not going to be a shock. And it’ll give you clarity rather than second guessing what’s going on in her head, which is a massive waste of energy IMO

Good luck and hope it goes the way you want

Thank you CoverMeLads. for your thoughts.

very valid points you make and agree with all.

yes I guess I did check up on her, I completely deleted my profile, there is no picture of me, no information about me or previous chats. I did open up with a picture not of me and no info.

I absolutely agree, she may not even have given it a thought about looking and chatting to anyone, she probably isn't , given what we have done, said, and times we have met up and been in touch.
it could be, that as she hasn't deleted the app she could be chatting and talking, I cant assume she is, and yes the only way to, well reassure me I suppose, is to have that "chat".

something like, are we exclusive?
delete any dating apps too?
as you say, would add clarity to the situation and be more healthy with no waste of energy.

thanks again for your time

I've been there and in this situation I'd have expected her not to be active on the app anymore. You'll have to say to her. If she treats you like you're being clingy then I suspect she's not as into you as you are her.

I deleted my original profile, so wasn't possible for her to swipe right.

yes there is nothing indeed I can do about it, of course she can keep her profile. it is a free country as you point out.

I was probably a little hasty in removing mine. I was trying to follow what I thought was some decent unwritten rules if you like, of only dating one person at a time, that would probably mean having that "exclusive" chat to be clear.
I thought once things became sexual , you made in a way, a commitment to date one person at a time.
slightly old fashioned I guess given how dating progresses these days, maybe it is acceptable to have a sexual "dating relationship" with more than one person?

though given her statement, that she cant be with someone who I don't have feelings for especially on an intimate level.
just adds more weight to clearing up for me, the dating profile concern.

there is only one way forward and that is to have a chat about exclusivity, dating apps etc which would clear it all up.

thanks for points, always good to se things from a different angle.

You need to have the 'exclusivity chat'. Presumably as you've stayed the night in a hotel together, you have already had sex. I wouldn't want someone to remain on a dating site, if I was sleeping with them. Or it could be that she's holding out for someone closer to home (sorry if so).

Dating is a bit weird now. I’m in my 40s and can’t imagine having more than one sexual relationship on the go at once.
Is that what people do now?

@Dieu yes we had sex when we stayed the night at the hotel.
it could well be the case, that I am ok for now, as by keeping my profile alive, I will keep looking for someone a little closer to home.

@surlycurly. yes will need to discuss the app thing, though do I admit to her that her profile is still available? she not even be chatting to anyone. maybe if she was/is it is now by whatsapp. need to chat I think to clear up

thanks again

I could almost understand someone keeping up their profile if on a paid site, and the subscription hadn't yet run out.
However a free dating app and her profile is still on there? - when presumably she could take it down at any point - well, this seems in bad taste to me. She could at least give the two of you a chance before putting it back up there. It sounds to me like she's keeping her options open.
You MUST talk to her though. Don't throw something potentially good away, without giving her the chance to explain. And if she admits that she's still looking, then at least you know what you're dealing with and can make a decision based on that.

that's one thing I forgot to mention, yes if you are paying then I would have thought the site would still be on. (you can pay for bumble)

need to talk about it, just approaching it in the right manner, without accusations are assumptions. a simple chance to explain first and take it from there. having said all that, I do agree with you, it would point towards her keeping her options open, knowing I am 2 hours away.

like I say, it kind of goes against what she has said, after I tipped toed into sort of this subject before( realised now it needs properly clearing up) she said nothing to worry about. plus other positive things she has said. also texting so much, don't know, 80-100 texts.

might sound like im making a big deal of it, just I want to at least approach in the right manner.
I would take its too extreme to ask to look at the conversation list to see if there is anything recent? which would clear it up, and if there is nothing to "hide" then there would be no objection.

she has admitted to "stalking" a previous guy she was with in the past, which turned out she was justified in doing so(he was with his gf still) so she may at least see my concerns.

Yes have the chat but no don't ask to see. You either trust her and what she says or you finish with her. I think I'm still on a few sites that I haven't been in for months. And yes she may still be keeping her options open until she's sure about you but not being actively seeing someone else.

Oh, and don't place too much importance on the (vast!) number of texts you share. Sure, it points towards her not seeing anyone else, as she wouldn't realistically have the time! The rush of dopamine that you get when doing this is NO substitute for a proper relationship. Not unless you want a relationship with your phone.

Have the chat to find out where you both stand. She may be keeping her options open and that once in 7 weeks may not be enough for her.

Don't ask to see her chats. Personally, if you did that, I would find that very controlling and tell you to fuck yourself and have no further contact.

The vast number of texts doesn't point to anything. I can have several chats going on with guys, most of the replies are c&p'd. However, I am very clear I'm not looking for anything exclusive.

Just to offer you an alternative opinion - I think it's okay for you both to still have dating profiles. If you are confident in yourself and the right person for her then nobody else can or will interest her more. The way I thought about things like this when I was dating was if the person liked me enough then they'd choose me, it would work out, if they weren't the right one for me then it wouldn't.

Thank you for all your replies, those offering their experiences and advice, I am gobsmacked you've taken the time to reply.

I am just gathering thoughts and wisdom for a balanced view point, and not making any assumptions as to what she is/or her intentions are.
just want to approach this in the best way possible.

I mean sometimes in situations like this, we over think and just cant see the wood for the trees. I mean, come on man, its clear she is genuine and interested right?, yes many texts(think she lives on whatsapp lol), always texting last at night and first in thing in the morning. she has instigated several of the dates and asked to meet up, constant communication, when we meet its very tactile, holding hands, cuddles, very, affectionate. sometimes running commentary as to what she is doing in the week. Quite a "coupley" feel to it.

she has been very open and honest too, going through her second divorce, almost finished.
doesn't work, so guess has time on her hands but admits to being self sufficient.
on our fist date, I showed her a picture of my passport and bank card to reassure her, she returned and showed me one with her name on, and another card with a different name on, because her passport is in that name make sit easy she said. fair enough didn't have to admit that I guess.

its all probably nothing to worry about, she has said I've nothing to worry about and doesn't share. we both agreed we are looking for something more meaningful then FB.

thanks again, a little chat should easily clear the dating app/situation up.

also when we have met up, its always been away from "her patch".
I have not been to her house, picked her up, been to her local. I have seen pictures of her friends, she readily talks about them, and of course its her prerogative to let me in to her home. I know where she lives as she has told me and shown me pictures of her home, its far too early I would say for any of the above, though I might be more concerned if it was the same in about 3 months time.

thanks again

You do actually sound a bit intense and overly invested. I think you are maybe overthinking the WHOLE thing. Have the exclusivity chat and take it from there. That's all you can do for now.

@Dieu. I take on board your comments, I decided yesterday to relax more and not be so forward with it, sit back and let it take a natural feel to it, as you say not wanting to throw something away that's why I sleeked some words of wisdom.

all I will do is have that exclusive chat and take it from there.
thank you for advice , it is much appreciated

No problem, and good luck with it all

@Dieu. you've been a diamond, as have the others.

proving its always good to talk and get an outside point of view,
all I want to do is, improve and go about things the right way, even if I don't get the outcome I seek.

I am much more relaxed now. thank you