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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you do anything to make someone trust you?

32 replies

Tvturtle · 13/10/2018 18:24

Name changed for this.

So long story short, seperated from husband last year and have been with BF for 6 months or so now. It’s been mostly amazing as you would expect with honeymoon period, get on well, fantastic sex, met each other’s friends and all gone well etc...

But his ex-wife cheated on him and because of this he has trust issues... I am lucky in that I’ve never been cheated on (AFAIK) and therefore am comfortable trusting someone until they give me reason not to. Because of this I suppose I’m not the best at reassurance and do just live my life and kind of say and do what I like without really thinking about the effects.

When I say ‘do what I like’ I don’t mean anything untoward, I have never and would never cheat on someone. I don’t see the point. I mean things like going out with my friends for the day and not texting him, telling him that an old uni friend got in touch and we had a nice chat etc

It’s come up a few times and we had, I thought, put it to bed. I told him that I was falling for him, had no desire or intention to cheat and so he could trust me. And he said he did... but he doesn’t

It keeps coming up time and again and we’re so fundamentally different in our thinking that I’m beginning to doubt that we’ll get through it. He wants constant reassurance and I resent that because I am honest and trustworthy and I want him to believe me.

We spend almost all of my free time together, I have less than him as my kids are younger but I’m generally either at work, which could be an evening function, at home with the boys, or with him.
I have said to him ”when do you think I would have time to be seeing someone else?” Which he has no answer to but it’s driving a wedge between us and I don’t know how to fix it.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
supersop60 · 13/10/2018 18:42

You can't fix it. It's his issue, and you have done nothing at all to make him doubt you. It's a red flag from me I'm afraid. Did his exW cheat on him because he smothered her and insisted on constant accountability?

Gabilan · 13/10/2018 18:54

You can't fix it. It's his issue

This. It is his issue to deal with. Watch that he doesn't use this to try to control you - it sounds as if he already might be. "Stay in with me, that way I can trust you. Don't be friends with them, that way I can learn to trust you. I've been hurt before, do this so I won't get hurt again."

I'm not sure it's fixable and if it is, it's only with work from his side, not yours.

PolkaDoting · 13/10/2018 19:16

You can’t fix it.

ravenmum · 13/10/2018 19:22

when do you think I would have time to be seeing someone else?
Don't bother saying that again, as that is the kind of thing that actual cheats say all the time! If someone wants to cheat they manage to fit it in somehow.

This is his problem, he needs to get help with it. There's nothing you can do.

MelonBuffet · 13/10/2018 19:28

I must say, “when would I have time” is one of the shittest things you could say!

My DP also said this - “when would I have time, when I’m not with you I’m at work, with the kids, or away on business”

I just looked at him incredulously until he realised what he’d said! From HIS perspective it made sense but it showed a massive lack of empathy that he couldn’t see it from my POV. Of course he would have time if he chose to.

The only thing that makes it any way better is reassurance that you love him and that you are open and honest. If ever you had any misgivings you’d speak to him, not let your attention wander and water the grass elsewhere.

ravenmum · 13/10/2018 19:48

Also may not be a good idea to say "You can trust me", as he has just learned that you can't trust anyone. That the person who is supposed to be your closest, dearest, trustable friend will cheat on you. When you've experienced that, such a huge statement as "You can trust me" sounds like a totally ridiculous promise. Do you see what I mean?

Best idea is probably just to tell him that his issues are messing up your relationship and he needs to get them sorted.

HollowTalk · 13/10/2018 19:51

I feel for him if he's been cheated on, but maybe he isn't ready for another relationship if he's been so damaged. He's wrecking your relationship and actually it'll drive you crazy, having to account for yourself all the time.

SoleBizzz · 13/10/2018 19:58

Too much drama. He will damage your trust in others if this continues. I feel you should dump.him.

CottonTailRabbit · 13/10/2018 20:00

He thinks you are the type of person who would cheat on him?!

How on earth can you say you still like him? If someone accused me of shit like that I'd go off them immediately.

If he thinks you are of such bad character he should dump you not tell you to stop going out with your mates.

Assuming he is not simply a possessive dick of a man, here is only one way to "fix" the trust issues. Go out more without him. Don't text him. Be furious or bored never reassuring if he dares to insult you by suggesting you would cheat when you have done something completely normal.

If he's actually normal underneath then he will get over himself quickly.

If he is an abuser ramping up then expect sulks, tears, poor-me puppy eyes to excess when you unapologetically go out with mates and don't look at your phone all night.

Keep your eyes open. Red flags flying.

corythatwas · 13/10/2018 20:06

Best idea is probably just to tell him that his issues are messing up your relationship and he needs to get them sorted.

This. Yes, it's hard for him that he's been cheated on but he has absolutely no right to make you pay for that.

If he cannot behave in a relationship as a decent person should then he should not be in a relationship. And it is his job to keep an eye on his own behaviour.

ravenmum · 13/10/2018 20:07

Hmm, having been cheated on by someone I honestly thought for decades would never do such a thing as he had a good character, I now don't believe that you have to have a bad character to cheat ...

But despite that, I would never suggest that my partner might cheat when he goes out with his mates. I'd look like a loon! And it would be plain rude.

Original poster
Tvturtle · 13/10/2018 20:55

Wow - thanks everyone for your replies.

Cotton I do get furious - it drives me mad and I tell him I can’t understand why he’d want to be with someone who he thinks would do such a thing but then I think - well I’m lucky enough not to have been hurt like that and maybe o should be a bit more understanding...

In a similar way I didn’t realise ‘when do I have the time was the wrong thing to say but I can see now that it could be as cheaters by definition lie.

I’m speaking to him tonight and I will tell him that he’s fucking everything up, I love my job, my friends and family and would never not see them so he’s going to have to get over it but I do want to be kind about it as I do understand that he has been hurt and I can’t just dismiss that.

He has to realise that I’m a different person and need to be given a chance and if he can’t do that then I’m not the one for him

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 21:22

But, Tv, he doesn't "have to realise" a thing, does he? Is it your responsibility to make him realise or understand? Why would you want to do that anyway? You're still caught in his trap, even while you say you can see what's going on.

Joysmum · 13/10/2018 21:33

I was a mess when I got together with my DH. It took my a long time to trust but that doesn’t mean I don’t fear it happening.

My DH was great. I see it written a log in NaN that we should trust our instincts. I couldn’t trust in mine because tgeyd let me down previously. If I’d trusted my instincts where my DH was everything was telling me not to take the risk again.

My DH understood that my neurosis wasn’t something I had chosen or wanted. It hurt him to see how broken I was but he was so patient.

If he’d posted on here Bach then he’d have been told all the usual thing like it shouldn’t be that difficult and to run. If I’d posted I’d have been told to trust my instincts and to run!

Time has helped along with understanding from him it was nothing personal but fears are toxic and I was worth the hassle to him.

We’re 24 years on, he works away a lot and I’m comfortable and confident that he loves me as much as I love him. It wasn’t easy for either of us.

Original poster
Tvturtle · 13/10/2018 21:39

That’s a fair point - it’s not my responsibility, but I think, with everything else I know about him, that he deserves to have it spelt out unequivocally.

I think in our last discussion I was perhaps a bit flippant and dismissive

“Oh don’t be so silly, I’d never do that so forget about it and let’s move on” and “this is dealbreaker and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me” are two very different conversations.

OP posts:
DonkeyPlease · 13/10/2018 21:43

Nothing you say will.make this go away.

I was where you are, I had the frank chat, I laid it on the line. He promised to change and seemed to

Ten years later we are divorcing and I look back and realize that he simply changed his control tactics. He never trusted me. He just knew to take it underground because I'd told him I'd not put up with it.

He broke my heart and destroyed me with his games. Don't show your hand and don't try to fix this man. You will rue the day.

JessieLemon · 13/10/2018 21:46

I agree completely with PP. only he can fix this.

You’re already doing literally everything necessary on your side: you’re being honest and you’re not cheating. That’s all he needs from you.

The constant reassurance is pointless as it doesn’t actually work, does it? If it worked you wouldn’t have to keep doing it over and over again. It’s just fuelling his jealousy and mistrust. He feels anxious, seeks reassurance, you reassure him, he feels temporarily better until the next time he feels anxious. Your reassurance is actually just resolving the issue every time so temporarily he never has chance to or cause to actually do the work it takes to improve his trust issues. A bit of reassurance in a relationship now and then is fine, but only if it actually does help. Once it becomes a pattern and it’s clear he doesn’t actually put any stock in your reassurance you need to stop doing it.

This is out of your hands. I’m so glad you can see how messed up this is and are considering leaving. His trust problems are also control problems and he’s trying to control you to make himself feel better, like if he can just make sure you’re not physically able to cheat 24/7 then he knows for sure you’re not and job done. But it doesn’t work like that and we all know it. So he’s allowing his own emotional problems to impact you by trying to control you to feel better in himself!

It’s all too much for six short months in. Don’t diminish yourself and your life for him. I would honestly question why you’d be with a man who doesn’t trust you anyway. Whatever the reason, he doesn’t trust you. I couldn’t be with my OH if he didn’t trust me. Trust is so important. It doesn’t even matter why tbh, he could have been cheated on a hundred times and his problems around trust would still not be your problem to solve. Not that you can.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 13/10/2018 21:47

Is it really true that he "deserves to have it spelt out unequivocally" - or is it that you believe you deserve his understanding? I'm not meaning to be contrarian here, but I'm old enough to know now that if someone needs something spelling out to them, then they're not in a position to understand it.

JessieLemon · 13/10/2018 21:48

Cotton is spot on btw. I’d be very very wary this man is starting his pattern of abuse and control now. This is not normal for any relationship let alone one that’s half a year in.

GoodPlace · 13/10/2018 21:48

Was he a cheater himself too at any point?

Original poster
Tvturtle · 13/10/2018 22:14

Not as far as I know good and thank you all, seriously, for your excellent advice.

You’re all right, I shouldn’t be reassuring and placating this early on. Not that I have been but I suppose I’d started considering to.

I can’t quote from my mobile but what you said jessie about not cheating and being honest being all I need to do really struck a chord...

It’s sad because it was lovely but I think it’s run it’s course now. I’m not weak and I’m not scared of being alone so I think getting out is the best option.

Thank you genuinely for taking the time to talk to me Smile

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 13/10/2018 22:25

I was cheated on in my last relationship. For a good year or so I didn't think there was any point in relationships as people would just cheat. So I stayed single for a couple of years. By the time I met my husband I'd got over it and was ready to trust. I can't imagine ever saying that to someone! I wonder if he has rushed into a relationship too soon?

Definitely tell him you're tired of his insinuations and if he can't trust you then there's no point. And there really isn't any point - being with someone like that will wear you down.

CottonTailRabbit · 13/10/2018 22:48

You don't have to spell it out. You could simply turn it round next time he complains: "What are you going to do about these feelings?" See if he catches himself on and sorts it out or just whines and blames you.

Then again you are posting on MN about a 6 month old relationship so clearly you are feeling there's a deep issue.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/10/2018 22:57

I'm going to break it down. Being in a relationship with a controller will destroy you emotionally. He is a controller. His reasons and justifications for being a controller are irrelevent and probably bullshit anyway. I expect you're not quite ready to hear this but you really should run like the fucking wind.

Indiemum88 · 13/10/2018 23:17

Run and run fast. From my experience the worst guys to have done this type of behaviour were the biggest cheaters about. They project their behaviour onto you. They cheat therefore you must too. Seriously it's not your shit to deal with run.