Can you do anything to make someone trust you?

[Tvturtle]

Name changed for this.

So long story short, seperated from husband last year and have been with BF for 6 months or so now. It’s been mostly amazing as you would expect with honeymoon period, get on well, fantastic sex, met each other’s friends and all gone well etc...

But his ex-wife cheated on him and because of this he has trust issues... I am lucky in that I’ve never been cheated on (AFAIK) and therefore am comfortable trusting someone until they give me reason not to. Because of this I suppose I’m not the best at reassurance and do just live my life and kind of say and do what I like without really thinking about the effects.

When I say ‘do what I like’ I don’t mean anything untoward, I have never and would never cheat on someone. I don’t see the point. I mean things like going out with my friends for the day and not texting him, telling him that an old uni friend got in touch and we had a nice chat etc

It’s come up a few times and we had, I thought, put it to bed. I told him that I was falling for him, had no desire or intention to cheat and so he could trust me. And he said he did... but he doesn’t

It keeps coming up time and again and we’re so fundamentally different in our thinking that I’m beginning to doubt that we’ll get through it. He wants constant reassurance and I resent that because I am honest and trustworthy and I want him to believe me.

We spend almost all of my free time together, I have less than him as my kids are younger but I’m generally either at work, which could be an evening function, at home with the boys, or with him.
I have said to him ”when do you think I would have time to be seeing someone else?” Which he has no answer to but it’s driving a wedge between us and I don’t know how to fix it.

Any ideas?

I was cheated on but doesn't mean that I can't trust someone else. However my ex never trusted me in all the years we were together, even though for many of them I was knee deep in nappies and had lots of kids hanging off me. I really would have struggled to find an opportunity to cheat. It's horrible not being trusted and you will gradually change your behaviour, not go out, make sure that he's there or that you take pictures so he can see etc. It's really hard to prove your innocence when you have done nothing wrong. I am eating now and at the first sniff of someone trying to control me or being jealous and I'm out of there.

wants constant reassurance

You can't fix this. And I would find it difficult to trust someone like this. Why is it so unimaginable to him, that you are trust worthy?

I wrote this as soon as I read your OP. Now having read the rest I am so pleased to read so many MNetters nailing the advice you need to read.

Including Don’t diminish yourself and your life for him.

All the very best

It's all in his head and he shouldn't be asking you for constant reassurance. It sounds like he needs therapy to get over this issue but you don't need to be dating him while he's like this. Good decision to end it.

Red flag from me too. 🚩

But if you are planning to give it more of a go despite his behaviour, I would be tempted to say 'Yes absolutely I could have an affair. I could be having an affair right now, after all I am a luscious treat. It's entirely up to you whether you choose to believe I am with you and not cheating. You will also wish to be aware that there is only so long I am willing to live under a cloud of mistrust and suspicion because of your relationship history and subsequent attitude.'

Apologies OP, missed your most recent update (that'll teach me to RTFT) - good decision to go. Wishing you all the best. 💐

Having been cheated on, OrdinaryGirl's response would be the one I'd most appreciate hearing: if I ever started acting controlling I'd want the other person to remind me not to be a dick. And it is honest, realistic and full of self-respect - so would make me respect the person saying it.

With this stuff after just 6 months though, I think you've probably made the right choice OP.

Just to add as someone who had trust issues myself, it wasn’t reassurance he wasn’t cheating that I needed, and I never asked for that, it was just time passing and him demonstrating each day that he loves, respects and treats me as everyone deserves to be treated.

For my part, he could see that I was trying to change my anxieties and not trying to get him to change to fit with me. It’s a huge red flag if someone wants you to change and sees their own insecurities as your responsibility. That’s where the line is.