I have a strong crush on my social worker he is engaged I'm married

[Honesttoafault1124]

This so embarrassing and wrong but it's driving me crazy and I know for ethical reasons would never happen. I've been seeing him for various issues for several months and was instantly attracted to him. I didn't start crushing until the third session. He is completely professional and outside of my inappropriate crush has helped me more then any of the other psychologists I've seen. I understand all the psychological reasons for liking him and part of it is im bored in my marriage which is terrible I know. I've never have or will tell him my feelings I will just embarrass myself and probably make him uncomfortable I've never verbally or physically been inappropriate with him but I fantasize about him all the time and twice I've cried in the sessions because of a terrible loss that recently happened in my family he hugged me for a long time and honestly I didn't want to let him go he told me I'm his favorite client I can tell he likes me (but not in the way I like him)and is comfortable enough to get close to me and I feel comfortable with him because of his professionalism he's compassionate which I have always found attractive plus he's incredibly good looking we have similar personalities with the little bit I know about him and how he acts obviously he can't disclose his personal life too much eventually when I get to a point where I'm better able to cope emotionally our client/therapist relationship will be terminated which gives me anxiety because he helps me and because I've become so attached because of my intense crush I know it's wrong to have for three reasons and it would never happen but I just don't want to let him go even though nothing romantic will never happen he makes me feel better and my life especially currently has been very hard I don't want to let go of this perpetual high because of my crush ugh this is torture how do I let go because eventually we won't have sessions anymore anyway and I know this isn't fair to my husband I'm being selfish it tortures me to know that if circumstances were different and I wasn't his client and we were both single maybe it would happen we're just so similar in the way we think but that's not the case ugh

It is not 'wrong' to have developed feelings for your counsellor. It is entirely normal. One of my counsellors was very empathetic towards me and I could tell that she sometimes wanted to touch me or hug me but I'm not particularly touchy-feely unless it is close family or an intimate relationship and she obviously respected that boundary.

I think it is also very common to not want the counselling sessions to end if you have both developed a good rapport. The key is to talk about endings and how you will cope with them when the time comes and then talk about time-frames. I brought up endings with one of my counsellors as the sessions I were having were subsidised and I felt someone else might need them more. But she felt there was still work to do. Eventually she brought up the subject but we had a long time before the final session and talked about it a lot.

Thank you @butterballs9 I changed my username to this one unfortunately it would be great if I can be honest about my feelings for him so we can work through it therapeutically however I'm too chicken. I care too much about what he thinks and although we may share mutual attraction/feelings I'm still afraid of rejection I'm seeing him tomorrow and I'm getting butterflies in my stomach.

Finally someone on here understands he isn't being inappropriate thanks @butterballs9 he is just really kind and empathic

So, one poster agrees with you.

Everyone else (and now me) thinks he's wrong and totally unprofessional.

Find a new therapist - preferably female. And realise that telling you that your dress is pretty or hugging you is totally inappropriate.

But that's not what you want to hear...

Have you told your husband that you fantasise about your therapist? How does he feel about that?
Would you be happy if your husband fantasised about another woman - say a work colleague or his doctor?
What state is your marriage in? Do you want to remain married, or is this crush a manifestation of your wish to divorce and be free to seek another relationship?
I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions. And while you’re doing that, get a different therapist. This one is completely unsuitable. I’d suggest a woman.

PsychadelicSheep as a CBT therapist I can confirm we learned about transference during our training. Sure, it’s a concept that originates from another method, but it’s widely taught as it’s applicable to pretty much every model of talking therapy. Similar to how we were taught about concepts such as unconditional positive regard and congruence despite them originating from person centred counselling (Rogers). It won’t have been in anywhere near as much depth as during psychodynamic training, but we’re familiar with it and know what to look out for/how to deal with it.

And CBT therapists are ‘real therapists’; we train at a postgraduate level at university while practicing, register with a professional body (BABCP) and have a strict code of conduct. Please don’t sully the legitimacy of CBT by implying that one therapy is more ‘real’ than another

And YES OP, your social worker is being inappropriate, and I’m sad that your boundaries/sense of self have been so blurred that you cannot see that. I’d go as far as to say his behaviour could be construed as grooming. He’s making out like you’re special to him (his favourite client), sharing personal details about himself he should be, creating an ‘us and them’ bond by criticising a colleague to you, complimenting you inappropriately and hugging you. None of those things are okay. I hope someday you get the care you need from a professional who treats you in the way they should.

Can you see how badly his behaviour is affecting you? Instead of focusing on the work you should be doing on yourself you’re consumed with your feelings for him, worrying about it coming to an end (which it will), it’s affecting your mood, impacting your marriage, you’re probably getting excited butterflies before seeing him and holding back on things that you worry will make you seem unappealing to him etc. It’s a huge distraction from what you’re meant to be doing. And unless he is legitimately certified to delivery full CBT, art therapy and the other therapies he seems to be dabbling in you won’t be getting the evidence based care you deserve. What a disaster.

You aren't a helpless leaf being blown around in the breeze of life wink

I love this btw PsychadelicSheep! Beautifully put.

What? Just NO! Yuk! Hugging you, telling you you're his favourite. This person is a creep. Ewww. Get another therapist. You're an adult here, not a teenager.

LimeCake - I am also a BABCP accredited CBT therapist 

Whoops posted too soon again!

Was going to say i also have a masters in relational psychotherapy which was more psychodynamic, and of the two trainings the CBT was very light on concepts like transference whereas the masters featured them more heavily.

If this guy is a social worker who has done a 1 year CBT training course as I think the OP said, he will not necessarily be fully versed enough enough the approaches he seems to be dabbling in and working ethically with erotic transference.

Oh, hell fellow CBT PsychedelicSheep 😂

I agree the CBT training is light on transference but I took your post as suggesting it’s not something a CBT therapist would be familiar with at all.

I’m curious that as an actual CBT therapist you still don’t view it as ‘proper’ therapy compared to psychodynamic, why is that?

Because it's limited to specific treatment protocols which aren't always even longitudinal/developmental and which don't fit the majority of clients outside of the cherry picked ones used in the RCTs.

And the training is only 1 year for high intensity.

But didn’t you receive training around other aspects such as the therapeutic relationship, risk management, treatment planning, interpersonal difficulties, and other stuff that is applicable to all therapies? Sounds like your course wasn’t wonderful

Yeah it’s one year, very intense, studying while working, 200 hours of therapy complete and tapes to be marked plus written work, on top of everyone having to have either a core profession or psychology degree and pretty rigorous KSA. I found it incredibly thorough and very tough, and qualifying is really just the start of the journey in terms of building your competency. We weren’t taught the protocols in a paint by number way thankfully.

But still, I’m not sure what you do consider to be a ‘real therapist’?

For both your sakes you need to change therapists, you are a married woman, he is soon to be married. The relationship you are developing with him is not beneficial to either of you.

LimeCake I did the same training course and you by the sounds of things.

Just felt the previous masters training I did in integrative psychotherapy was far superior in every way. Only did the CBT one because work paid for it.

No matter what approach a counsellor or therapist uses... person centred, psychodynamic, CBT or gestalt... there are a appropriate boundaries to be maintained in the client counsellor relationship.

I'm not familiar with the dual role of social worker/therapist you have in the US.

Complimenting your clothing.

Saying you're his favourite client... tje hugging those are all crossing a boundary.

Clients can become attached to the counsellor..which is why adherence to boundaries is essential.

His comments are leading you to read meaning into them... that's not acting in the clients best interest.