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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a strong crush on my social worker he is engaged I'm married

69 replies

Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 07:52

This so embarrassing and wrong but it's driving me crazy and I know for ethical reasons would never happen. I've been seeing him for various issues for several months and was instantly attracted to him. I didn't start crushing until the third session. He is completely professional and outside of my inappropriate crush has helped me more then any of the other psychologists I've seen. I understand all the psychological reasons for liking him and part of it is im bored in my marriage which is terrible I know. I've never have or will tell him my feelings I will just embarrass myself and probably make him uncomfortable I've never verbally or physically been inappropriate with him but I fantasize about him all the time and twice I've cried in the sessions because of a terrible loss that recently happened in my family he hugged me for a long time and honestly I didn't want to let him go he told me I'm his favorite client I can tell he likes me (but not in the way I like him)and is comfortable enough to get close to me and I feel comfortable with him because of his professionalism he's compassionate which I have always found attractive plus he's incredibly good looking we have similar personalities with the little bit I know about him and how he acts obviously he can't disclose his personal life too much eventually when I get to a point where I'm better able to cope emotionally our client/therapist relationship will be terminated which gives me anxiety because he helps me and because I've become so attached because of my intense crush I know it's wrong to have for three reasons and it would never happen but I just don't want to let him go even though nothing romantic will never happen he makes me feel better and my life especially currently has been very hard I don't want to let go of this perpetual high because of my crush ugh this is torture how do I let go because eventually we won't have sessions anymore anyway and I know this isn't fair to my husband I'm being selfish it tortures me to know that if circumstances were different and I wasn't his client and we were both single maybe it would happen we're just so similar in the way we think but that's not the case ugh

OP posts:
Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 11:35

So is it up to my insurance or me then as to when I stop seeing him?

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 13/10/2018 11:37

You aren't a helpless leaf being blown around in the breeze of life Wink

Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 11:38

Yes he is trained in all different types of therapy he likes to have a variety of options to help his clients

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 13/10/2018 11:38

Whoops posted too soon! You have agency and autonomy, if you don't want to continue the sessions with him you drop them and tell your insurers you're going to find another therapist.

PsychedelicSheep · 13/10/2018 11:39

'He just knows how to do cbt'

You just said this though?

Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 11:42

Not just cbt talk therapy art therapy etc

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 13/10/2018 11:42

If you weren't his client I doubt you'd be attracted to him if you just met him in the street.
Look at what is missing in your marriage, and maybe fix this or move on.

Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 11:53

Actually that isn’t 100% true if I saw him on the street I would still be physically attracted to him he is my type the only difference is it wouldn’t be as strong because I just saw him instead of getting to know him as well and as far as my marriage I don’t know what to do because the problem lies with me that’s partially what I need therapy for it’s not going to change over night because I’m emotionally distant from men always have been unless they were unavailable men because I have daddy issues he abandoned me and it really messed me up I feel unworthy of any mans love I feel unlovable

OP posts:
Gorganzolabrie · 13/10/2018 11:55

As a qualified social worker I can assure you that social workers learn about transference in their training, both in the UK and in the US.

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2018 11:56

He sounds more unprofessional everytime you defend him more

I feel like with your updates you are wanting to convince yourself that he does feel the same

Get a new therapist, it's the only way you'll move on from this

PsychedelicSheep · 13/10/2018 12:38

That's good to know Gorgonzolabrie because CBT therapists sure don't!

Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 13/10/2018 12:40

Your right I do want him to like me that and I can tell he likes me but not necessarily in a romantic way or not but it shouldn’t matter to me either way I’m probably just annoying everyone on this post I just need his help I don’t want to have to go to someone else because every other psychologist I’ve seen wasn’t helpful I feel stuck ugh

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 13/10/2018 12:45

You're not annoying people Smile you have every right to post about this here, people don't have to read it.

I must admit when people say they've tried multiple psychologists/therapists and none of them have been helpful I do have to wonder what's going on as they are the common denominator.

Maybe more therapy isn't what you need at this time, it's not a magic bulllet.

MeanTangerine · 13/10/2018 14:39

I can tell he likes me

There's a concept in therapy called "unconditional positive regard". Therapists are paid/taught to be nice to their clients.

Therapists are also specifically trained in how to appear empathetic and caring. When they're working they are 100% focused on their client. For a lot of clients, therapy can be the first time in their lives someone has treated them this way. It can be very powerful and is the reason why so many people experience transference.

You say you have daddy issues and are only attracted to unavailable men - like this guy. I wonder if talking about his fiance helps him a) gain your trust b) appear unavailable. And thus more attractive to you. But he shouldn't be talking about his fiance at all - how on earth is she relevant???

I don't know why he's said 'eventually' your treatment will end. He should have told you a number. How long does each session last? Where do they take place?

Anyway, to sum up: maybe this guy is a highly skilful manipulative creep. Maybe he is a kind therapist with poor boundaries. Either way, this therapy you're getting is all wrong and needs to change. I strongly recommend you request a different therapist - maybe a woman.

Oddcat · 13/10/2018 17:53

It really sounds as if you are looking for something to happen between you and him , this would be an absolute disaster for your mental health. You sought out therapy because you need help for problems you are having, if you stay with this therapist your problems will only get worse . You need to look after your mental well-being and continuing with this man will do exactly the opposite.

tierraJ · 13/10/2018 18:52

Him hugging you for a 'long time' however upset you were is totally inappropriate in mental health care.

I have had psychology & been really upset but my nurses / psychiatrists & psychologists don't even shake hands with clients let alone touch them as any kind of contact in a mental health setting can be misconstrued.

If you were single I'd still advise you to change your therapist. You can't have successful therapy with a man like this.

You also have to think of your marriage.

Sorry for the loss of your brother.

CliffordDanger · 13/10/2018 18:58

If this was/is in the UK, he would be struck from the HCPC register for the hugging and for "doing therapies he knows about". Deeply, deeply unprofessional and downright dangerous. I hope you can get proper support soon and remember that he's the one at fault.

Flatasapancakenow · 13/10/2018 19:09

OP you aren't annoying people at all. BUT I just wanted to point out that everyone thinks you need to get a new therapist. That has been the advice. From laymen and from people who work in the talking therapies/psychology field.

For your own mental health please find another therapist, this man is not a professional and you do not need more on your plate right now.

Flatasapancakenow · 13/10/2018 19:10

I just wanted to add that i really feel for you, and I hope you take some ownership and get some proper help soon Flowers

CliffordDanger · 13/10/2018 19:16

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to sound harsh towards you, I was overcome by how angry his behaviour has made me. You've been and are going through so much, you need better support Flowers

Original poster
Honesttoafault1124 · 15/10/2018 04:27

Hi again I really appreciate you all being so kind to me and if he ever makes me uncomfortable I will definitely drop him. I share my poetry in my sessions because it's therapeutic for me and he says their beautiful and apart of me one time he said my dress is pretty it's just nice to be around such a nice attractive guy he makes me feel better about all my problems I wish the situation was different

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/10/2018 08:00

Morning OP

The situation would be different......if you got a new therapist

karmap · 15/10/2018 11:13

"he said my dress is pretty"
"he told me I'm his favorite client"
"he hugged me for a long time"

Disturbing behaviour.

GloriousMystery · 15/10/2018 11:26

He sounds completely unprofessional. His behaviour should be making you uncomfortable, OP -- he's transgressing professional boundaries all over the place.

butterballs9 · 15/10/2018 12:48

If this was/is in the UK, he would be struck from the HCPC register for the hugging and for "doing therapies he knows about". Deeply, deeply unprofessional and downright dangerous. I hope you can get proper support soon and remember that he's the one at fault.
---

I don't necessarily agree with this. I did several years of counselling courses and also had counselling for quite a few years. We were taught (although it was a strange course.....ahem!) that you should bring attraction into the open and I agree with this approach (although not with some of the other approaches on the course...). Talk about it. It's incredibly common for attraction to develop in these types of circumstances. You are both only human after all and you are sharing intimate details with this person who sounds very empathetic. The hugging probably did cross a line but it's hardly the worst transgression in the world in my opinion. I don't agree that you need to get a new therapist. On the course I was on people developed crushes and felt attraction for other people which is entirely normal. We had to practise by being counsellor and client and vice-versa. Yes, it was bloody awkward sometimes, but that's life! Don't run away from something challenging. You can learn from this.

I personally never developed a strong attraction or crush on anyone on the course or any of my counsellors but it could easily have happened and several people made their interest in me obvious. Yes, it was a bit awkward but so what? It sounds from what you have written that he too has developed some feelings for you but is able to contain them within the counselling relationship.

I can tell you from my own experience that counsellors can and do far, far worse than this and can cause real damage. This does not fit into that category in my opinion.