Pleeese help

[Lemmeavebru]

I heard a ted talk today and it basically says not to trust your thoughts in times of crisis because you tend to over think and analyse things and it adds to your unhappiness; It's better to just feel and tell others honestly about what's happening and how you feel. They'll be better judges. Sooo...

I have had a crush on a school gate dad for over a year and a half. I think it might be mutual but I'll let you decide. My feelings actually intensified when I thought he was reciprocating. We're both married. We haven't even talked to one another and pretend to ignore each other while secretly admiring each other. (I know, totally teenage sickly stuff). I feel ashamed about this. Really tried to ignore him and thought this crush will soon fade but it hasn't yet. I think for me these feelings are comforting and it keeps me from feeling depressed because things aren't good at home; and I don't mean temporarily on the rocks but horrible from the beginning. But...crush is happily married with a beautiful wife. Whenever she comes to pick the kids up he's always there with her and, I swear, he gives me a smirk which probably means look at my gorgeous wife you're nothing compared to her or look at me aren't I lucky. It makes me sick and actually makes me feel even more depressed and ashamed of myself.

This happened recently when I had been trying really hard for the past few weeks to ignore him. Finding a totally different route or standing in a position which would mean our paths would definitely not pass and he won't see me and I him. It did work. Whether he's alone or with his wife I've managed to evade him. But it seems that he changed his route deliberately a couple of times so I would notice him. He had that smirk again when he was with his wife.

I feel so low and depressed fighting this battle day in day out that Iactually felt worthless and seriously thought about putting an end to this miserable life of mine. I wish I never laid eyes on him. I wish I wasn't into him then it wouldn't bother me.

Please please help me mumsnetters ...

I feel quite sorry for you...crushes are perfectly normal and it seems like you're using this one as a distraction technique (safe outlet) as things aren't right at home

So you’ve had a year and half crush? Have you not tried to improve your own relationship with that year and half? Maybe try and understand what the issues are in your own relationship and if they aren’t fixable then do something about it (like splitting up , being single and working on yourself) instead of being miserable ...you have a choice !

Actually just read that you describe things as horrible at home , are you being abused ? You can contact woman’s aid if you have no real life support . My advice would be to get out of this marriage that is making you (from reading what you have put in your thread ) deeply unhappy

Hey. You haven't even spoken to this man, so it's more a distraction than a crush. He could find you attractive or nice and that's it. I look at other parents and smile of I catch their eyes even if I don't know them. But I dont fancy them.

If things are so bad then you should look at leaving your husband.

It's perfectly normal to have a crush, I would enjoy it while it lasts but it's worrying that your home life is horrible, can you tell us why? Can that be improved?

That's the thing though. I do think the distraction is good. It's made me feel attractive after years of feeling ugly. I've started looking after myself, better skin care regimen and lost a ton of weight. Lots of people have noticed and complimented. But every time I see him with his wife I feel depressed which makes me think it's more than a crush and want to not have the crush.

Home front, I posted a while back talking about my troubles at home. Yes H is abusive but he's making an effort after realising it finally will be over if he doesn't change. and things have been ok for the past couple of months. This makes me want to try to stay with him. For now any way.

You've never spoken to him? Are you sure he's not just smiling at parents to say hello, it's easy to build these things up in our head when we feel low.

Oh op, there are better ways to feel good about yourself. :( Hobbies, volunteering, courses. I know cliche to say that but there are better ways to build self esteem.

What do you want, you say your partner has listened and is changing, do you want to be with him?

Also, what's the name of that Ted talk, I wouldn't mind watching that.

Maybe Hogglesball. Obviously I'm feeling low so am probably over thinking things.
I have started a course and it's full on, but I've started with the intention to keep myself busy and not have destructives thoughts.

This is it.

sorry can't do direct link
Funnily enough I found it when I was really low. Helped me.

Oh, it worked. Yay

Well I've been there when I've felt low and I was bullied for being ugly, a smile or a look can make your day and you start to build a fantasy.

It's a good escape for a bit but you have to be careful as you can be thinking about it so much that you don't realise that you are putting a lot of energy into a fantasy instead of fixing the relationship you are in.

Not saying that's your exact situation just my experience in the past.

Sounds good about the course.

Thanks for the link!

You seem very sad and I think you seem to be wasting your life away . Life is good and there to be enjoyed. If your H is abusive you know that it is unlikely if not impossible for him to change . Get out & make a happy life for yourself.

You’ve been looking over at Hot Dad for 18months. Girl you got to get your situation sorted out at home. Hot Dad is probably not interested anyway but in any case, sort your life out!

He's a flirt. He picked a gorgeous wife because it makes him feel envied and he loves it. Classic sign of low self esteem deep inside.

He flirts because his self esteem is so low, despite his lovely wife he needs to see that he is still desirable by other woman.

Personally I find men with low self esteem but pretending the opposite very unattractive. I bet he is hard work at home.

In the meantime focus on your relationship. You don't need the security of another man to decide to end yours. That is usually the best way to pick the wrong one as they will get the vibes that your vulnerable and you will attract those more lijy to be controlling. Work on your relationship or work on getting the confidence to get out.

Swingofthings. I think you're right. He isn't especially that good looking but he has this swagger and confidence about which I'm afraid I'm drawn to. I keep calling him arrogant prick and peacock in my head to reassure how anattractive these traits are but then I start noticing other things abour him like his eyes or how lovely a husband he must be for a lovely woman to fall for him that I'm afraid I'm back to square one.

Foxglovestar, believe me I'm trying and I think it's working but only time will tell.

Sorry but I think this attraction thing is something youve built up in your head. You haven't even spoken to him so you don't know what he's like. I'd concentrate on your relationship and making plans to leave if it is really bad. Good luck

@swingofthings sorry I like good looking men that I’m attracted to , to be my partner not somebody I don’t fancy how on Earth does that equate to low self esteem?

Also he hasn’t “flirted” with the op , they haven’t even spoken over the course of 1 year and a half ! This man is probably very happy with his wife and rightly fucking smiles about it !

Jesus wept .

Op the fact that you have only really responded to that one post about your crush suggests that you just want to talk about him and not address your real life issues. I don’t think this man has a crush on you , I think you need to address you’re actual life rather than living in this fantasy land. Sorry sounds harsh but really do something .

FPMTO, you need to read OP again. She's got a crush and think it's mutual, mention about admiring each other. That's more than looking at someone good looking. As it happens I agree with you, I too like to look at good looking men, but I dont do it in such a way to lead them on thinking I could be interested in more. If I know one has a bit of a crush on me, I don't go out of my way to find myself in their path as OP says this man has done.

I think it is sad that anyone happy with themselves and their partner are reduced to such behaviour.

It really sounds like you are projecting. You basically have no idea at all if he fancies you, you haven't even spoken. I know I sound harsh but you need to snap out of this fantasy and turn your energy into making your real life happier x

@swingofthings I have read it , tbf what constitutes as looking at someone admiringly ?! Is he winking at her no ...I look at lots of people every day whilst thinking about other things and not even actually “seeing them” if that makes sense. It sounds really really far fetched to have concluded that this man is flirting and also has self esteem problems just because the op “thinks” he may be admiring her. None of his actions have substantiated this train of thought , nothing , in fact when he walks off with his wife he smiles, well obviously he MUST be smirking at the op right? Absolute ridiculousness in the extreme !! Op wake up and own your life !

Oh and also how is this man “leading her on”??? When he hasn’t even as much said one word to her , she doesn’t even know the man.

A few years ago I worked with this bloke , I was with my ex at the time. I went to a works evening , this work bloke was obviously there. I went outside for a cigarette , he came up to me and said the following “I’ve noticed you’ve been making eyes at me all year and now you’ve followed me out for a cigarette...I’m glad” and literally tried to snog me . I was repulsed ! This man sat in the opposite my eyeline at work and therefore mistakenly thought I’d been looking in his direction ! This reminds of that situation !
To start composing threads about a man who you have never spoke to OP is a sign you are over invested in a stranger . It isn’t healthy , at all.

But it seems that he changed his route deliberately a couple of times so I would notice him
Do you that too? Do you smirk when you pass them when you're with your husband?

Because I look, might even admire but I certainly don't do the above.

@swingofthings how do you know or the op know his reasons for doing this ?! He may have had to stop off at a friends , collect something from a shop , pop in and see someone ! Do you not see how ridiculous it sounds?? Frankly you’re encouraging the op in this delusion. It’s like fatal attraction without their ever being sex or even a convo.

And my smile is lopsided so people have often asked what I’m smirking at when in actual fact I’m just smiling because I’m happy (who would think eh?! )