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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Narcissistic Ex

66 replies

CupcakeBabaPoo · 12/10/2018 22:10

This is really outing to anyone who knows me but I'm passed tired and need a hand hold.

Met a lovely new man, or so I thought. Within days I was being 'love bombed'. He was telling me he loved me, wanted to spend Christmas together etc.

A week ago a lady contacted me. Turned out she was his girlfriend and he had lied. I had no idea about her. I foolishly gave him another go even though he grabbed my phone off me and upset DS by shouting at us.

On Sunday he spat in my face, grabbed me by the throat and held a knife at me. This was after a day of arguing where I thought I had managed to end it. He came crawling back.

This week he's been lying about everything. He then turns it all on me and says I need help. I felt like I was going mad.

I ended it today but he wouldn't return my house key so rang the police. I have made a statement about the above and some other incidents but now his ex is accusing me of talking to him as she is getting hassled and he is still texting me. I just want this to end. No idea what I'm posting for.

OP posts:

donnalouise1977 · 16/10/2018 20:34

Get a new lock. They cost £10 and are so easy to do. Don't contact him at all. Cut all contact and block his number. Been there sadly

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 20:43

I lost my job a month ago. I really don't even have £10 to buy one atm and nor do I have a clue how to change it. I just want my key back. Its pathetic how he's clinging on to it.

OP posts:

donnalouise1977 · 16/10/2018 20:52

YouTube it. Loads of videos showing you. Is rather not eat for a week if I was that worried he'd be letting himself in. No question

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 21:01

I also have a son to feed and I can't go out and buy a lock from anywhere at this time of night. I shouldn't have to do this - he should just return my key.

OP posts:

donnalouise1977 · 16/10/2018 21:13

He should, but you're dealing with a narcissist. He won't, he will keep you right where he wants you until you feel brave and strong enough to make a decision to stop him.

It's really difficult for you and I really feel for you being in this situation

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 21:17

I have just rang the Battalion Orderly Officer who is going to sort it. He sounded like he took it seriously which is great. I will get that key back, he will be interviewed and it will be over. I've given him plenty of chances to return the key of his own accord tonight. He's a pathological liar.

OP posts:

CaveMum · 16/10/2018 22:29

Well done and I’m glad the Orderly Officer took things seriously. Just please be aware that he might not see it as being over, if he so much as looks in your direction you need to go to the police - civvie or Military. You might find the civvie police take things more seriously when you tell them the RMP are also involved. Log everything, no matter how small.

subspace · 16/10/2018 23:08

Still get the locks changed, don't be naive enough to think he hasn't made a copy or two. Have you got door wedges? Use them in the meantime as extra precautions. Ask police for panic button. Still keep your statement in. Can't you block his number?

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 17/10/2018 00:03

He is saying he dropped my key off at the Police Station this afternoon. There is no record of this and it's an unmanned station. Another lie or surely he would have told me instead of letting me get all worked up about it?

I will be getting my locks changed. The police have said they will do it. I feel really bad now and like I've made a mistake. I know I haven't because he was cheating on me from day 1 but it still hurts. I am just relieved that I won't hear from him again and in a way I guess I've 'won' as I've left him but it doesn't feel like that.

OP posts:

Teabay · 17/10/2018 01:07

You're doing the right thing for your son by reporting him and staying away.
He is in the wrong. You sound lovely - that's why he picked you.
Keep safe.

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 17/10/2018 10:32

I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I have my key back. The police came to take a further statement and I can tell they aren't taking it seriously at all.

OP posts:

subspace · 17/10/2018 13:36

I'm so sad to hear you feel like you've made a mistake by involving the police and that they're not taking you seriously. Does coming on here and reading us saying you are absolutely doing the right thing, help at all? Xx

Lizzie48 · 17/10/2018 14:24

I do get why you might feel that the police are not really interested, they've taken statements and helped you change your locks. I know they're not very good at keeping you updated, and you can go weeks with no contact. I remember that from when DSis and I reported the historic SA we went through as children. It caused us a lot of stress and made us wonder just how seriously they were taking our case.

But they actually did believe us, and they were taking us seriously. Although in our case, there wasn't enough evidence for a 'realistic prospect of conviction' according to the CPS. I can't fault the police officers for the work they put into it; they just weren't good at staying in touch.

A lot of patience and perseverance is needed; the frustration can be intense! I think you should for the moment let them get on with their jobs. In the meantime, you should definitely go to organisations like Rape Crisis and Women's Aid, they can offer you RL support and they can also advocate on your behalf with the police. They will give you advice as to whether the police have really done all they could or not. We're not there so we can't know.

Please don't give up yet. It's a tough process but you will get through it. This site is a great place for support, so please do keep letting us know how you're getting on. You've been very strong and you can do this.

Original poster

CupcakeBabaPoo · 26/10/2018 09:20

By the looks of it I'm pregnant. Haven't heard from him and Police are still investigating - what on Earth do I do now? I don't think I can terminate this pregnancy. It's still early days I know.

OP posts:

CaveMum · 26/10/2018 12:09

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. If you don’t think you can bring yourself to terminate the pregnancy, which is entirely your choice, then you need to take steps to protect yourself now or you will find yourself tied to this man for the rest of your days.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy you must inform your midwife at the first appointment that the father is abusive but that you no longer have anything to do with him and that he will not be permitted to attend any appointments or the birth itself.

When the time comes, whatever you do DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

alice20401 · 26/10/2018 12:15

okay... so first of all this is not narcissism, this is abuse!!!!!!!!! domestic violence should not be taken lightly. you sound like a strong woman and i respect that you are standing up against this asshole. please do not withdraw your statement because it could be the thing that prevents this from happening to somebody else, we've all got your back xxx

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