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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissistic Ex

66 replies

CupcakeBabaPoo · 12/10/2018 22:10

This is really outing to anyone who knows me but I'm passed tired and need a hand hold.

Met a lovely new man, or so I thought. Within days I was being 'love bombed'. He was telling me he loved me, wanted to spend Christmas together etc.

A week ago a lady contacted me. Turned out she was his girlfriend and he had lied. I had no idea about her. I foolishly gave him another go even though he grabbed my phone off me and upset DS by shouting at us.

On Sunday he spat in my face, grabbed me by the throat and held a knife at me. This was after a day of arguing where I thought I had managed to end it. He came crawling back.

This week he's been lying about everything. He then turns it all on me and says I need help. I felt like I was going mad.

I ended it today but he wouldn't return my house key so rang the police. I have made a statement about the above and some other incidents but now his ex is accusing me of talking to him as she is getting hassled and he is still texting me. I just want this to end. No idea what I'm posting for.

OP posts:
magoria · 14/10/2018 14:44

Even if the police say they have your key GET THE LOCKS CHANGED. He may have made copies.

Don't drop this. He will keep contacting you otherwise.

Feefeetrixabelle · 14/10/2018 15:34

Op I’m so sorry your going through this but you’ve done the right thing not withdrawing the statement. The police are interviewing him that means they have taken what you said seriously. Regardless of the outcome they have taken what you’ve said seriously.

You need to change your number. Most mobile companies will do this for free when it’s due to harassment.

You need to change your locks. Also ask someone you trust to come over and survey the outside of your house. Get them to look for any way in and remove it. Get them to look for anything that could be used to gain access (loose brickwork/ornaments etc) and remove it.

If you can spend a couple of days away from home. You don’t say how old your ds is but don’t worry about school. Ring in with a family emergency for a couple of days and just take a break if you can. You can explain when your back. See family or spend some time by sea. Just get some air.

If you have a car consider selling and buying a different one.

If he returns/calls report to the police. And keep reporting. You’ve asked him to stop. They’ve asked him to stop. If he continues to be your problem make him their problem.

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 14/10/2018 15:55

He didn't turn up for interview yesterday and he still has my key.

OP posts:
Ellamorgan · 14/10/2018 18:16

OP please please keep safe, if he failed to arrive then he will be more angry.
Please contact women’s aid, you are the victim despite what he tells you.
Try and stay away from your home address, lock the door from the inside and keep your key in the door so he cannot gain entry, do not respond to any call, text or email and do not open the door to him.

The next few weeks are critical for your safety, please ask friends to check on you regularly and down load the hollie guard app for your phone it will make you feel safer both in and out of the home. Stay safe x

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 14/10/2018 21:15

I am withdrawing my statement and putting a complaint in about the police. I am so disappointed.

OP posts:
SunflowerJo08 · 14/10/2018 21:22

You need to keep your statement in, he has raped you. He could have done this many times before, this could be the one time that he gets caught and punished. Likewise he could go on to do it again.

datingdisaster41 · 14/10/2018 21:38

Please do not withdraw your statement - he needs to be caught and stopped from being a danger to you and your child and also other women. I think you should delay putting a complaint in about the police until you've pursued this. They will have been inundated over the weekend (not excusing them) but hopefully they will be back with you tomorrow. I agree with others - please get your locks changed too.

BishyBarneyBee3 · 14/10/2018 21:46

Bloody hell! Please get your locks changed, this evil fucker could murder you Sad

Feefeetrixabelle · 14/10/2018 21:58

Don’t withdraw your statement. If he doesn’t show up the police will track him down. What would your complaint about the police be about? Have you spoken to them?

Antigon · 14/10/2018 22:23

OP, even if he gives you your key back, you may wonder if he made a copy.

Can you afford to get your locks changed?

Do you have relative who's handy? I'm told it's very easy to change the lock (£20 in B&Q).

Ellamorgan · 15/10/2018 05:58

@CupcakeBabaPoo I am so sorry that you are so scared that you feel you have no choice but to withdraw your statement.

Before you do anything please speak to women’s aid either on the phone or via the internet. Any police investigation will take time and I know that means it may feel that they are not doing anything.

I really don’t mean to scare you further but if you drop your statement and there is a child in the house the police may take action to keep your child safe, if the police feel they have enough information then even if you drop your statement they may have enough to pursue him anyway.

I am really worried about your safety and the safety of your child from the info you have shared so I can only imagine how scary this must be for you. I would love to read a post from you that says you are safe and are no longer worried about this man harming you.

Please take care of yourself and your Dc Flowers

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 15/10/2018 09:06

Thank you all so much for your advice. I am definitely withdrawing my statement. The police should have made an arrest if someone doesn't turn up for interview and they didn't. They said they made enquiries and he wasn't in his room but he told me he was. They clearly didn't try very hard. I don't have the key and he had no intention of returning it to the police as he didn't know where it was. I told them I have it back because I really want to move on and forget this. I feel like I have wasted everyone's time.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 15/10/2018 09:55

It tales time for things like this to happen. He’s messing with your head still. How can he even contact you? Why isn’t he blocked? This isn’t the polices fault it’s his. And change your locks. Today.

Feefeetrixabelle · 15/10/2018 09:56

And I bet he wasn’t in his room. The police will nail him eventually and he knows it. That’s why he’s playing games with you

ChristmasFluff · 15/10/2018 13:52

Remember he is a liar.

Do not withdraw the statement. Block him, and then report any contact with you to the Police as then they can get him on harassment. Change your locks today.

I understand, I really do, I could have written this myself 10 years ago. He went to jail in the end - 3 years later because I kept taking him back. It was a horrible relationship, very violent, and suffice it to say that I had a locksmith on speed dial on my phone, and the guy felt so sorry for me he used to give me a discount!!!

The Police have no reason to lie to you. He does. NEVER believe him, whatever he says. He doesn't love you, it wasn't a mistake, he won't try harder, it won't get better. It only ever gets worse.

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 16:01

After the past 2 days of doubting myself, I have decided not to withdraw the statement.

He made me lie to the police and say he had returned my key when he hadn't. He had no intention of doing so. He was putting pressure on me to withdraw my statement as it would have caused him problems at work and with his kids. I nearly withdrew it but he couldn't even keep up the pretence of being nice for 24 hours. I can see he was still manipulating me! How stupid can I be?!

He still has my key but the police have said they will look at changing my locks.

OP posts:
Antigon · 16/10/2018 17:25

Good! Chase up the police on getting the locks changed asap.

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 17:34

I wish I had never met him and given him chance after chance. I lied to the police because of him.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 16/10/2018 17:38

Stay strong Op, you are doing so well.

Be proud of yourself for standing up to him.

Please block him from communicating with you, phone the emergency police if he turns up at your home.

Make sure that your phone is kept charged and that you lock your doors and windows. Ask the police to be put in touch with victim support and for a marker to be put on your phone/home address.

Keep vigilant and stay safe.

Flowers
blueangel1 · 16/10/2018 17:59

Stick to your guns OP, and try not to blame yourself. Narcs are master manipulators and prey on people who they think are good targets.

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 18:46

I am worried the police won't take it seriously now as I kept trying to withdraw it because of him. He laid it on thick and fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 19:48

I just want my key back as well so I can sleep. I have MH issues anyway and he just won't return it. I don't feel safe at all.

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 16/10/2018 20:04

Can a friend not stay with you?

I am so glad you didn't withdraw the statement. He is a bully and will do this again and again if allowed to.

CaveMum · 16/10/2018 20:28

I know you said you tried to contact his boss,would you consider escalating to the Military Police? They are likely to take it more seriously if his boss won’t.

They have a 24 Hour phone number and you can tell them he has been harassing you. You can tell them you’ve made a complaint to civilian police but are still concerned for your safety.

I can’t promise they will do much without a charge, but it’s worth looking at.

Tel: 02392285170/80

Original poster
CupcakeBabaPoo · 16/10/2018 20:31

Thank you all. The RMPs is actually a good call. I am probably harassing him tonight because I just want my key back so I can sleep and the police aren't doing anything about it. I know I am playing into his hands but it makes my skin crawl that he is so keen to keep hold of it.

OP posts:
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