DS look up to DH whilst he's abusive to me

[chinesewisper]

My marriage is pretty shit.
I have two teenage sons and my DH works away during the week most weeks so the running of the house etc is left to me whilst working full time.

My husband can be pretty short and nasty to me and over the years both my sons have seen me reduced to tears by him. However they seem to really look up to him to the extent I am pushed out.

It breaks my heart that my DS can look up to a man who is so horrible and uncaring towards their mother.

Have I raised two sons who will follow in their fathers footsteps ?

Please don't say LTB because it's easy to say but not easy to do. I know that needs the happen.

I'm really sorry to hear that, OP. Are your sons emulating their father's behaviour towards you? Do you feel they are respectful or disrespectful towards you? It's not inevitable that sons learn/copy behaviour from their father. My own dad was horribly emotionally abusive towards my DM for as long as I could remember but my two brothers couldn't be more different, they are kind, respectful adults. They did look up to my dad when they were younger, I think it's natural for sons to do that, but grew out of it as they became older teens. They're NC with him now, as am I. And by all accounts he's a lonely old man. But you reap what you sow.

maybe because you stay with him they have warped views and think its “normal”?

You do realise by staying in the marriage you’ve basically communicated to them that his behaviour is ok. What did you expect would happen when your H being horrible to you is their norm?

Leaving isn’t easy but staying is a choice not without consequences.

They might think it's the norm. Do they have gfs yet?
It sounds awful op and the best lesson you can teach them is to leave.
How can you stay?
That's a serious question on all levels.

What the others have written here.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are your two children learning about relationships from the two of you?. What do you yourself want to teach them about relationships and what have they learnt from you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something has kept you with this person till now and if you have stayed primarily for the children then this was a mistake.

Honestly your best option for both you and your kids going forward is to leave. Staying with him only bring you and in turn your kids further down. They cannot and must not grow up thinking that yes this is how men and women treat each other in relationships.

It breaks my heart that my DS can look up to a man who is so horrible and uncaring towards their mother.
But you’ve chosen to remain in a relationship with a man who is loving and uncaring towards you.

Presumably your DH has some nice qualities too so maybe that’s what your DS looks up to?
Or he’s scared of being treated like you so tries to stay on the right side of him?
Or he’s been risesd that this is a normal way to treat someone. If his own mother is saying it’s ok to be treated like this then why would he think any differently?

Have I raised two sons who will follow in their fathers footsteps?
Possibly. You are their model for a normal relationship and likely how they will base their future relationships on.
You have got the opportunity to teach them that this behaviour is not ok though and to protect them from witnessing further abuse.

My husband can be pretty short and nasty to me and over the years both my sons have seen me reduced to tears by him. However they seem to really look up to him to the extent I am pushed out.

Because this is what had been taught to them. They think this is the normal thing to do. They’ve been raised in an abusive environment, you can’t really expect them to react ‘normally’ to situations.

They have never seen anything different. It's normal to love their dad. They don't have the emotional intelligence to analyse your relationship. You are just mum and dad.

But you are teaching them that this behaviour is acceptable.

Stop telling the OP that she is the one teaching them to be abusive. She isn't. Their abusive father is!

OP, yes it's true that raising them in such an environment will let them absorb the message that this is how men treat women. It's not your fault. Society is set up so that women are often made vulnerable by marriage and having children and men benefit massively. It's not at all easy for women to leave relationships when there are children involved. You could send a very strong message by leaving NOW though. Show them all that there are consequences to this kind of abusive behaviour. Are you sure they look up to him? Are you sure they're not just scared of him turning it on them?

Unfortunately as others have said you have stayed with a man who abuses you and that is your DC ‘norm’. What did you expect them to do? They are DC it’s not for them to manage there dads behaviour towards you. The only person who can change is you. Perhaps instead of focussing on the reaction of your DC to their Father and somehow feeling angry at them, that you look at why you have chosen to stay with this man. All you have done is brought your DC up to think this is a normal way to treat woman. Feel sorry for them and sorry for you for not being able to do something about it

Hm. I think kids are very perceptive and intuitively know right from wrong, mean from kind, strong from weak. My guess is that your boys have known your husband is a bully for a long time, they know he has the upper hand and is in a stronger position, so, being terrified of being on the receiving end of his unkindness, they've thrown their lot in with him for now, as an act of self preservation. I remember one time when DD was little (3) and DP and I argued. He shouted at me (bastard!) and DD was scared. He stormed off, slamming a door, and I cried. DD was inconsolable, and when I tried to comfort her, she turned on me, repeated an unkind remark her dad had made to me, adding "I hate you mummy!" This moment crystallised in my mind any future conflict that might be witnessed by DCs; unable to reconcile the perceived 'defeat' of a previously considered omnipotent and much loved parent, by another parent, a child might 'side' with the unkind parent so as not to be on the receiving end of similar treatment.
I think your boys know.

@AdultHumanFemale exactly that.

Some of the language here feels like victim-blaming. The OP knows this isn’t a good environment for her children. She knows she needs to leave. There are many possible reasons why leaving an abusive man can be difficult and dangerous.

OP it’s great that you have recognised that this is affecting your sons. Do you have anyone in real life who you could talk to about this?

I don’t think that is necessarily true adulthuman My OH grew up in a home with an angry dad who would shout and put down his mother. Him and his brother are exactly the same as him and his brother is truly appalling with his wife. My OH has met his match with me as I won’t put up with his abuse. He truly doesn’t see it as it’s his ‘norm’. He even blames his mother if there is a fall out that his dad has instigated. He wouldn’t dream of behaving like that with anyone else but he has had to really reflect hard on his upbringing and his dad who he had on a pedestal , he still makes excuses for his dads behaviour.

I’m afraid that the majority of children’s behaviour is learnt. First and foremost from their most important relationships such as parents. Then to a lesser extent extended family, friends, school etc. So yes, by staying in the relationship you’ve taught them that it’s ok for a man to treat a woman that way. You will also have passed on positive messages, but as we all know with kids, they tend to pick up the bad before the good.

Isn’t that what adult is saying though? Does your OH ever say why his allegiance is with his Dad? How does he know that wasn’t formed at a very young age when he subconsciously knew he’d better back the perceived “stronger” parent as his “weaker” mother couldn’t protect him?

What did you expect? he is their male role model and you staying has shown them that this is acceptable behaviour.

You have both raised sons who will likely follow the cycle of abuse in their new relationships one day.

This is your own doing that your sons have no empathy towards you. They are a product of their upbringing.

As for the posts suggesting victim blaming. OP is asking why her DC look up to their father and feels angry as this the man that is horrible to her. She isn’t looking to leave.... hence the posts stating it is their ‘norm’ because she has chosen to stay. It’s not victim blaming it’s responding to the question. No one is suggesting the DH is right to abusive however it’s not appropriate that the anger the OP feels is to her DC who she believes aren’t in effect standing up for her. Her anger needs to be directed at her DH.

It is NOT the OP’s doing. It is the abusive fathers doing.

I don’t see that the OP is expressing anger to her sons.

Sorry OP but the answer to your question is that yes, it seems your sons may well 'follow in their father's footsteps'. It is widely accepted that of those who witness abuse, a certain number will go on to repeat the cycle.

It is not too late to teach your sons the value of others by standing up and saying this is not acceptable and you deserve better. Imagine they are going to treat their OH's like this in the future and the cycle continues.

Furthermore, you have 1 life and you are allowed to live it happy and at peace, not being treated like a human doormat by your loved ones.
Imagine they have children, will they instill respect for you in their children? No because it hasn't been instilled into them for you.

Please make a change. There is support and advice available. It's very scary but absolutely worth it.

I think there is either the risk that your boys will accept it as the norm and treat their future partners similarly, or you might be luckier and theyll just be traumatised by seeing their beloved mother constantly abused.
Take your pick.

leave the fucker. You should have done it years ago.

It breaks my heart that my DS can look up to a man who is so horrible and uncaring towards their mother.

It should be breaking your heart that they have grown up like environment
. Not that they haven't grown up and sided with you.

The abuse isn't your fault. But part of the responsibility for what they have seen as normal, lies with you. Yes, they may grow and repeat the behaviour. But that not entirely their own fault.

I have seen people on mn say it's awful when abused women who won't leave, are in danger of having their children removed. But this is the reason why they are removed.

So you want them to side with you when you havent done anything to protect them from the abuse? Dont you think this is unfair op? Both you and dh have modelled their idea of what's normal and unfortunately this is how warped it was.