DS look up to DH whilst he's abusive to me

[chinesewisper]

My marriage is pretty shit.
I have two teenage sons and my DH works away during the week most weeks so the running of the house etc is left to me whilst working full time.

My husband can be pretty short and nasty to me and over the years both my sons have seen me reduced to tears by him. However they seem to really look up to him to the extent I am pushed out.

It breaks my heart that my DS can look up to a man who is so horrible and uncaring towards their mother.

Have I raised two sons who will follow in their fathers footsteps ?

Please don't say LTB because it's easy to say but not easy to do. I know that needs the happen.

This is the unfortunate reality of the impact of domestic abuse on children. It's what they've grown up around so to them it's normal

It may be easier for your sons to side with the abuser to avoid his wrath!!
They've most likely grown up walking on eggshells seeking his approval
They have seen you being abused and want to avoid being reduced to tears by him.
They unfortunately have a skewed view of him and the relationship. They have no idea what a supportive loving marriage looks like only one where an angry man holds the families emotions to ransom.

Abusive men may are also highly manipulative so those outside don't know what is going on.

Your sons might not understand the dynamics and may think Dad is the calm, measured parent whilst mum is the irrational always upset parent.

Op, if you left, even now there is a chance your sons will see a different you and equally they will see their Dad for who he is.

What is stopping you have leaving?

Thank you for the responses.

I'm not going to come back to this thread as I am so upset by the ' victim blaming' and that I am to blame.

It's given me a lot to think about however.

Sorry you are upset by the responses. You are not responsible for your husbands abuse but as a parent you are responsible for protecting your DC from witnessing abuse.
That is not victim blaming.

Your DS reaction to the situation is sadly what often happenes when children are exposed to abuse. As upsetting as it must be to hear, it is unfortunately the reality of the situation.

Unfortunately you don't get to choose which parent kids take after

As a survivor of childhood abuse it was a sad reality for me to keep the abuser happy to gauge his moods to tiptoe around and never disagree with.
I wished I didn't have to live with abuse but I'd no choice so I just had to survive it.

I’m sorry you’ve had the replies you’ve had OP and it’s put you off posting further.

My experience of Women’s Aid is that they know there are lots of reasons why women don’t leave so hopefully they won’t judge but could offer support?

Sometimes it can feel like leaving is impossible and if he’s been belittling you for many years you’ve possibly lost some confidence in yourself. You can leave - if that’s what you want to do - please get in touch with them or another organisation to talk about your options x

There may also have bene economic abuse so she can't leave. There are many aspects of coercive control...

We're all a product of our upbringing and environment.

What uour sons are is normal in their life.

They may grow up and do the same and be surprised that their DP/DW leaves... because "mum never left even when dad had her crying...how dare my wife leave me"

Future wife then becomes the one at fault..because their mum who they have a lot of love for....was fine with what dad did....she never left...she never 'broke up' the family.

They may also look up to him out of fear. They've seen how he treats you and don't want to be on the receiving end of it.

I knew a family like this, but when the sons called their dad out and physically restrained him after beating their mum
...she told them it was disrespectful to touch their father like that.

It's no suprise than none of the 4 sons have had a lasting marriage. All 4 of them are divorced.

They had unhealthy role models as parents.

Even if the OP has stopped reading...I hope others in a similar situation can take something from this.

My best friend is still - in her 50s - full of rage at her mother who was abused by her father. She and her two brothers spent their entire childhood tiptoeing around her constantly shouty, mean and erratic father.

Her mother was always in tears. 'Always sad and crying on the sofa' is her overriding memory of her mother. And my friend is still FURIOUS that her mum was such a sad wet blanket and did nothing to protect her and her brothers and nothing to make the situation any better.

But what makes me incredulous about your post is that you are expecting better of your sons than you do of yourself. How does that make any sense?

OP, you are in an awful position here. The abuse isn't your fault. But you do have responsibility for subjecting your son's to it.

Your sons are victims. It's not easy to leave. But you chose to stay. You can't choose how they handle growing up in that house hold.