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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with my boyfriend's 3 year old daughter

36 replies

ellen12345678 · 12/10/2018 20:01

Hey everyone,

I hope I can get some advice here, and perhaps some friendly home truths. I am 30 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. Early on he told me about his 3 year old daughter who lives with her mum in Ireland. He speaks to her on Facetime every other day and sees her a few times a year. It's pretty unintrusive in the grand scheme of things.

I was very accepting early on, during our honeymoon phase(!) but as time has gone on through the year, I'm struggling more and more with the idea of him having a relationship that will always be more important than the one I have with him. I cannot put my finger on what this feeling is... is it jealousy? Resentment? Something else? The reality is, I will never let it become problematic enough to break us up, but I feel such a guilt for feeling this way. I can't see myself having children, and I wonder if this is part of it.

So my question is, has anyone else been in this position and been able to put their finger on what this feeling is? And how have you brought your mindset round to dealing with the situation positively? I really need some advice!

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 12/10/2018 20:04

Walk away. You all deserve relationships that work better.

indisdress · 12/10/2018 20:11

I don't know the answer, but you either do find a way, or you leave. Bear in mind that anything could happen and his little girl could end up with him 24/7.

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2018 20:12

If you don't want to be a parent or a step parent, this isn't the relationship for you.

Original poster

ellen12345678 · 12/10/2018 20:23

All very fair comments... I'm committed to wanting to be a good stepmum! I need some good inspiration to frame my mind that this is a wonderful opportunity... and not a burden....?

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 12/10/2018 20:31

I’m afraid that this will always be the way. And it’s the way it should be!

How would you feel if you have children with him? Will you resent his attention going on your dc or do you think it will be different with your own dc?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2018 20:38

You need to leave him. It is grossly unfair for your insecurities to impact his relationship with his child. It may not have happened yet, but it will. How sad. This child could bring a huge amount of joy into your life, but instead you view her as competition.

indisdress · 12/10/2018 20:50

I think your thread title speaks volumes actually. Like you resent her specifically. But maybe I'm reading too much into that. Have you met her?

Thelaststand · 12/10/2018 20:55

Name change fail Ellen?

Ellen, this is always going to be an issue and tbf you don’t even spend time with her. Imagine if she came to live with you.

It’s jelousy you feel. Of a three year old.

Original poster

ellen12345678 · 12/10/2018 21:03

Thank you for your comments... still all fair feedback... I don't feel negatively towards her specifically, she is a very very sweet little girl. The reality is that she could well come and live with us one day. And if it did, I am, and would be, committed to embracing it and being the best stepmum I can be. I so desperately want to feel differently... I feel like I almost need a few phrases/reminders that I can read every so often that will snap me into the positive frame of mind I want...?

OP posts:

SunflowerJo08 · 12/10/2018 21:05

I don't think you feel jealousy of a child, it's insecurity at what she represents; a link to his past, a first child, a part of him, a part of his life that you aren't a part of, a link to another woman who was in his life and will always be in his life. That is what you are feeling. It makes it more difficult that she lives elsewhere because I'm sure if you saw her regularly you could form your own link with her. But all you have now is unanswered feelings and hesitations playing on your mind.

What you need to decide is whether you can live it with it, in order to be with him, or not.

Original poster

ellen12345678 · 12/10/2018 21:12

Thank you Sunflower, this is helpful. This man is the man that I've decided I will marry one day. And I will absolutely make it work. Leaving him is not an option for me. Really what I need is to know what other women in this position remind themselves/tell themselves to make sure they stay as accepting as they can... those nuggets... those words of wisdom!

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 12/10/2018 21:14

Personally I fucking hated being a sm. Not the dc as such but the crap from his ex that accompanied them.

MadeForThis · 12/10/2018 21:41

You're jealous of a child he sees a couple of times a year. I'd be ore concerned that he doesn't make more effort to see her. A flight or boat to Ireland is pretty cheap.

Fatted · 12/10/2018 21:45

You either have to accept she always comes first or you walk away. It sounds hard faced but it is where you are.

Even in my relationship with DH, there is an unsaid rule that the DC always come first, even at times above us and our own relationship. It is not easy to accept and I do totally understand how and why it's not for everyone.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/10/2018 21:48

I'm not a step mother, I'm a mother. DS1 has a step mother he spends time with regularly and - hand on heart - I'd be a little gutted if I thought she had to have pep talks with herself to remind herself to be kind to him; surely that's just a perpetual state to be in rather than something you have to learn or force?

DS1's step mum is lovely; she's kind, considerate, loves him and makes his life better by being in it. That's what I'd hope for and aim for. If you genuinely can't offer that, you need to think incredibly hard about your role in her life long-term.

Musti · 12/10/2018 21:51

I wouldn't like to be with a man who didn't put his children first. As far as step parenting goes, only seeing her a few times a year isn't much. Also, if you don't want children, being with someone who already has a child may be easier than finding someone who will never want children.

Musti · 12/10/2018 21:52

Also, remember that love isn't finite. I have 4 kids and it doesn't mean that it's the same love divided by 4, it's multiplied. His love for his daughter is in no way whatsoever a threat to his love for you.

Issy777 · 12/10/2018 21:56

@ellenstone3030

You're not a bad person for doing this so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many women out there who don't want to date men with kids for various reasons

One being the ex. Btw, Iv been ok both sides being the ex with the children and ex bf dating childless woman AND dating s guy with kids before I had any so I will give you my honest opinion, it's hard work. There is a nature of being jealous. It's just not the same as meeting someone and falling in love with them, spending all your time with them and doing spontaneous things. It just can't be done no disrespect to the guy

I also had a problem with the guy not doing ENOUGH with his kid . As in not contacting or paying towards then so it was like damned if you do and damned if you don't! I seriously think that's why it doesn't work.

Longlostpals · 12/10/2018 22:09

I wouldn't be happy being with a man who only sees his daughter a few times a year. My DH would move heaven and earth to make sure he could see DSD as much as possible. She's 9 and they haven't ever been apart for more than a week.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2018 00:49

There are many women out there who don't want to date men with kids for various reasons

Totality agree and vice versa.

That's why such women shouldn't enter into a relationship with a man who has kids.

If you're struggling a few visits a year... you'd never manage EOW.

You've decided you'll marry him one day? Has marriage been discussed for your future?

I hope he feels the same as you, or you'll be disappointed.

feelsicksicksick · 13/10/2018 00:55

If he is a decent man his child will always be his number one person in his life. To be honest if I got with a man and I was his priority over his child it would put me off.

Children are helpless and do not asked to be born. She should be his number one, always!

SendintheArdwolves · 13/10/2018 08:51

It's pretty unintrusive in the grand scheme of things

So this is a guy who had chosen to live in a different country to his child, and only bothers to see her a couple of times a year?

Forget being jealous of her, what about feeling sorry for her for having such a shitty, half arsed dad?

Wow. Just wow. You describe his relationship with his child as "pretty unintrusive" like it's a GOOD thing?

FermatsTheorem · 13/10/2018 09:03

Think of your relationship with your parents back when you were a kid. Would they have walked over hot coals to keep you safe? Did you always feel loved without question?

That's how your boyfriend feels about his daughter, and quite right too.

Now feelings are feelings to some extent -they are what they are, and all you can really do is recognise that some of them are irrational, which I think you are doing. But you're also bothered by them to the extent that you're posting on line for advice, and struggling with the fact that you come second to your boyfriend's three year old. This doesn't bode well.

We only ever get a tiny snapshot on these discussions, but your posts do read to me as "this is a woman who should only be dating child free men" - for your sake, for your boyfriend's sake and most importantly for his child's sake.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/10/2018 09:11

I think this is more of self-esteem issue OP. All of us want to be #1 with our partner. We want to feel like we're the most important person in the whole world to them and to know that we'll always come first. This is entirely normal of course but where children are concerned, this is (quite rightly) never going to be the case.

It's sad to come to the realisation that you will never be #1.

No judgment from me here btw. I knew I could never be a step mum and so never dated anyone with DCs. I'd never been #1 with anyone in my life and I wanted that with my partner.

BirdOfParadiseLady · 13/10/2018 09:12

OP, I have been a step Mum for the last 8 years, my STBXH and I have now split up and I’m so pleased I don’t have to be a step Mum anymore.

I went into the relationship with all good intentions, wanted to create a great relationship with my step-daughter and her Mum.

Turns out I was ridiculously naive & now that I’m single I won’t date a man with kids unless they are nearly adults themselves.

If I’d have know then what I know now I would never have willingly become a step Mum & in your position (young with no kids), I would find a childless man to start your life together with.

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