Struggling with my boyfriend's 3 year old daughter

[ellen12345678]

Hey everyone,

I hope I can get some advice here, and perhaps some friendly home truths. I am 30 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. Early on he told me about his 3 year old daughter who lives with her mum in Ireland. He speaks to her on Facetime every other day and sees her a few times a year. It's pretty unintrusive in the grand scheme of things.

I was very accepting early on, during our honeymoon phase(!) but as time has gone on through the year, I'm struggling more and more with the idea of him having a relationship that will always be more important than the one I have with him. I cannot put my finger on what this feeling is... is it jealousy? Resentment? Something else? The reality is, I will never let it become problematic enough to break us up, but I feel such a guilt for feeling this way. I can't see myself having children, and I wonder if this is part of it.

So my question is, has anyone else been in this position and been able to put their finger on what this feeling is? And how have you brought your mindset round to dealing with the situation positively? I really need some advice!

He only sees her a few times a year, yet you find it difficult. What sort of a father is he, maybe his willingness to be distant is what unsettles you rather than her being his priority. Would you expect to have children with him? What relationship would they have with their half sister? Financially and emotionally she will , and should, come first. Tbh you sound a tad jealous of a 3 yo who currently is relatively low key and unless you can accept her role in your potential relationship you should walk away.

It's fine to not want to be a step mum. I could never do it, I'm useless with kids and I'm not sure I even want any of my own, let alone be responsible for someone else's. It's a big responsibility to take on someone else's kids.

It might be because you rarely see her that you haven't got a bond with her. But it could be that you just aren't capable of being a step mum. If it's the latter you should leave your boyfriend sadly. Otherwise his daughter will realise eventually that you have an issue with her. That's not fair on her.

To the posters who say children will always come above a man’s wife, does this still apply when those children are adults? Just wondering.

@Aroundtheworldandback

In my case yes
My dp has told me this . He said because they're his blood they'll always be no1..

You're not a bad person for doing this so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many women out there who don't want to date men with kids for various reasons

This. I’ve got kids of my own (and am married) but if I ever found myself on the lookout again I’d have fuck all interest in becoming a step parent to someone else’s kids.

His daughter should always come first so if you can’t accept that then you’d be better moving on

Really what I need is to know what other women in this position remind themselves/tell themselves to make sure they stay as accepting as they can

Nothing!

I've dated men with children and those without. My current boyfriend has a daughter. I can't imagine having to give myself pep talks either.

My exh has a partner and she has taken my daughter for days out with her family without him being present - during times that were 'my' time with her. My daughter tells me things they talk about and they clearly have a relationship outside of her just 'accepting' her as part of a package.

I wouldn't be happy if you were his partner. And would have grave concerns about your talk of marrying him.

If you don't want to be a step mum that is fair enough but you will be if you stay with him.

I was in your position although exDP tried to see his DC every other Sunday. Unfortunately he had a terrible relationship with his ex due to him being the one who ended their relationship and she remained very very bitter throughout the 12 years I was with him. Endless court orders and mediation but nothing improved the situation, contact was always cancelled and made difficult. FWIW he always paid over and above his maintenance arrangement.

Our situations are different but I felt the same as you. I couldn't work out whether I felt jealous or resentful. I eventually realised I resented the fact he had his 'first' child with someone else, he'd experienced the 'first time' of being a parent and all the wonderment that comes with it with someone else. His parents had their 'first' grandchild by him already, something his mum would go on about. I wanted us to experience all those firsts together. When we spoke about having children he even said it wouldn't be the same for him because he'd already 'done it' once. Coupled with the ongoing hostility from his ex it all became too much for me and we split.

'You're not a bad person for doing this so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many women out there who don't want to date men with kids for various reasons'

Completely agree. Like you, I have decided not to have kids so I don't want anyone else's in my life either, not in any significant way. She's his daughter and she should be his main priority. I would feel the same as you - jealous, insecure and resentful. It sounds like you would really struggle if she was in your lives more, and that's a really important thing to think about. Being a parent, or step parent, is definitely not for everyone

Messaged you

Cool it with your boyfriend. You could find yourself someone who has no children which would suit you better. On the other hand, with a little distance from your man, you may be able to see it in proportion. When you consider some people show no interest in their children at all and just walk away from them - would you really want someone like that?
You're not in competition with this little girl.

Is this really the right relationship for you?