Unfaithful husband, and now I'm trying not to stray...

[Pemberly]

I've posted on MN plenty of times before, but this is the first time I've had to lay everything out, so please bear with me.

My marriage is a mess, it started with his betrayal and now I'm behaving just as badly. I don't know what to do, or what the consequences would be if I did something about this.

10 years ago, I met a man whom I would consider to have been the love of my life. He was older than me and going through a divorce. In the end, it wasn't the right time and we were in totally different places. I've never forgotten him, and have buried this very deep for a long time. He has contacted me over the years, and although I've been pleasant, I refused to go there again as I was terrified of being heartbroken again.

Fast forward a few years and I met my now DH. He was right for me and I loved him. We got married and had our DS. On three separate occasions over the last 6 years I have found evidence of him being unfaithful. Obviously I was devastated, but tried so hard to work out why he did it. I offered him a get out, but he adamantly refused, attended counselling and we've been fine for a year or two. The problem is that I have never truly gotten over the last time he strayed, and I don't trust him. I just don't look at him the same way anymore. He's not who I married.

Recently, my ex (a.k.a lifelong love) got back in touch, and for whatever reason I continued to talk to him. He is married, and we both have young children. Although I completely accept that this is wrong, and an affair in itself, nothing sexual has happened at all. We talk about kids, life, regrets... We have also met for coffee twice. I really hoped that time would have changed how I felt, but I'm right back where I started with this man. I adore him, and he has told me he feels the same and has so many regrets about what happened all those years ago.

I'm such a mess though. I don't want to cheat on my husband and I really do take my vows seriously. I know that this doesn't seem likely given what I've said.

I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted and haven't a clue where to start. Has anybody ever been in a similar situation? Did you have a happy ending? I would stay with my DH for the sake of my child, but would that really make everyone happy?

Take this other man, and your DC, out of the equation.

If they didn't exist, would you want to stay with your DH? Or would you leave?

I don't give a shiny shit for your lothario husband but you don't seem to have any considerstion at all about OM's wife

For someone who has been shit on the amount you have, I find that a bit strange

I have thought of nothing else for weeks. I have lost about half a stone and can’t sleep. If I didn’t have my son, I probably would leave him. But it wasn’t until my old flame got back in touch that I realised how unhappy I was.

I understand your point AnyFucker. Completely. That was me. If I cut all contact with this man, and I believe he would leave me be if I asked, would I ever be able to trust my DH again?

“10 years ago, I met a man whom I would consider to have been the love of my life. He was older than me and going through a divorce. In the end, it wasn't the right time and we were in totally different places”

Bollocks. If you had wanted to get together then you would have. What was the matter?? You don’t mention having a partner then. He was going through a divorce so would have been available once the dust settled. Therr wasn’t anything to stop you getting together. If you lived in opposite ends of the country and both had kids to think about I could understand what you’re saying but if not, then then there was nothing stopping you getting together really, was there?

So you’re romanticising it all a few years later.

You need to get a grip tbh. YOU are unhappy in your relationship and you need to deal with that. I would avoid shitting all over someone else's marriage and sort out what you want or need.

I feel your pain OP. My ex cheated on me, I tried to work through it with him for 3 years, trouble was, my attitude towards him changed.. I no longer had that ‘I will be with you forever, never cheat, you have my soul and partners, trust’ etc, the list goes on. I ended the relationship after 3 years as I couldn’t get over the affair, and I felt differently towards him. I no longer gave him ‘all’ of me. I do feel it wouldn’t have taken much for me to stray, but I left before that happened. I think you need to take your dc and the OM our if it and make a decision in that

I think you need to be honest with yourself about the state of your marriage. It sounds like you have emotionally checked out and in my experience that’s the end. I would advise staying away from the OM. That is just added complication and you’re clearly vulnerable at the moment. It has all the hallmarks of a disaster in the making.
Step away from him and be brutally honest with yourself. Do you want to be with your DH? If the true answer is no (and he’s behaviour is a whole other issue) then you need to start the separation process as amicably as you can.
It’s really hard but this OM cannot be your emotional crutch through this. He’s not available. The temptation to reach out to him and accept his support will be overwhelming but you know it’s wrong.
Very difficult for you, I know from experience

"It wasn't the right time "What sort of excuse is that ?
I wouldn't give your husband a second thought (he doesn't deserve one )but is this other man as special as you think or is it you getting carried away.Hes been divorced once and now married to a second women who he is thinking of cheating on -hardly someone you can trust.
Still longshots do come in but that is what this relationship is -a long shot

I don't think you understand my point at all

I think AF is saying he's now married with and you're not thinking at all about his wife

So this is the "love of your life's" second marriage he's on and he's about to jump in bed with you? Yeah that one has got winner written all over him! You would in effect be dumping your cheating husband for someone else's cheating husband! Fuck me you do pick em. Good luck with that!

@smilethoyourheartisbreaking whereas I think it's terribly sad when women don't have the basic empathy and respect for the guy's wife to refrain from shagging or stealing her husband. You don't need to be BFFs or even know her to extend another human being that common courtesy.

Your DH is a cheat and so is your prospective lover. There's also an innocent wife in the mix and it isn't you.

No it's absolutely fucking not buying into the patriochy!! For fucks sake it's simple ..do you want to feel responsible that somebody else has felt the pain and trauma of finding out there OH has cheated or do you do the right thing and not participate in.that. I have been cheated on and I would never be conplicit in doing it to another person. It's about morals, decency, and being able to look yourself in the mirror. There is a woman and children out there OP who you need to think about

Don't do to another Woman what you yourself think is wrong. It's the absolute opposite of patriochy.

@smilethoyourheartisbreaking

Ha so women have to have empathy for another woman in the sisterhood

They don't have to. I just find it puzzling and sad when they don't.

Laying on guilt about other women is buying into the patriarchy. Absolving men

What rot. Why do you think being a decent human being to another person is buying into the patriarchy or absolving men of guilt? A cheat is a cheat, and guilty of such whether it's a man or a woman cheating on their partner.

I just don't think not fucking another person's husband or wife is too much to ask of a decent human being

Your marriage is over. Your emotions have exited and the grass looks greener I'm every other direction.

Deal with your marriage first. That in itself is a journey that you need to do alone. Rebound relationships don't work. And I can confidently tell you when you are out the other side and have regained your strength and independence...suddenly Mr life long love will be no longer.

Then you will be ready and capable of finding a man who knows how to respect and care for his partner they way you deserve, if you so choose.

@smilethoyourheartisbreaking
I absolutely agree, why is it so hard to understand. It's not okay to hurt someone either male or female, just because you don't know them doesn't absolve you. Just because he or she is willing to Shag you knowing they have a partner and children does NOT absolve YOU from any blame. Do the right thing OP x

Well 'love of your life' sounds like a duplicitous twat and your husband a lying, cheating scumbag. I genuinely can't understand why women stay with cheats - you have basically condoned it so he can happily stick his cock wherever he likes and knows he'll get away with it - so bin him for starters. As for the other one, think about his wife (poor woman, she probably deserves better tbh) and don't shit all over someone else marriage.

Neither of them sound like the catch of the century - but if you are utterly convinced old 'love of your life' is the one then step back, let him end his marriage in a decent manner then crack on - don't become the OW, it's grubby and ultimately a flawed foundation for any relationship, aside from the obvious moral issues.

In all honesty you sound like you'd be best off away from the both of them.

On three separate occasions over the last 6 years I have found evidence of him being unfaithful.

Plus the times you havent caught him.

I offered him a get out

It's not about offering him a get out. It's about deciding 3 incidents of infidelity is 3 times too many and he doesn't respect you.

Why would he want an out...when he can have a wife for status and a bit on the side for fun.

How many incidents of infidelity is too much for you.

Honestly...if I cheated 3 times and my spouse didnt dump me... I'd think I could keep on doing it and that he was foolish to keep forgiving...because I wouldn't.

Forget the other man...I'm not suprised you feel like straying...find a single man instead of the old flame.

Tbh I couldn't care less about cheating on a man who's cheated 3 times. I'd have lost respect for him.

I don't blame you for how you feel about the marriage.

I think you know your marriage is over. At least three times of cheating, I would be leaving.

I think you need to discuss very carefully with your old flame and also think hard and take it slowly. It's easy to think something is wonderful when you've been stuck in a crap relationship, but actually there are lots of great men out there.