Unfaithful husband, and now I'm trying not to stray...

[Pemberly]

I've posted on MN plenty of times before, but this is the first time I've had to lay everything out, so please bear with me.

My marriage is a mess, it started with his betrayal and now I'm behaving just as badly. I don't know what to do, or what the consequences would be if I did something about this.

10 years ago, I met a man whom I would consider to have been the love of my life. He was older than me and going through a divorce. In the end, it wasn't the right time and we were in totally different places. I've never forgotten him, and have buried this very deep for a long time. He has contacted me over the years, and although I've been pleasant, I refused to go there again as I was terrified of being heartbroken again.

Fast forward a few years and I met my now DH. He was right for me and I loved him. We got married and had our DS. On three separate occasions over the last 6 years I have found evidence of him being unfaithful. Obviously I was devastated, but tried so hard to work out why he did it. I offered him a get out, but he adamantly refused, attended counselling and we've been fine for a year or two. The problem is that I have never truly gotten over the last time he strayed, and I don't trust him. I just don't look at him the same way anymore. He's not who I married.

Recently, my ex (a.k.a lifelong love) got back in touch, and for whatever reason I continued to talk to him. He is married, and we both have young children. Although I completely accept that this is wrong, and an affair in itself, nothing sexual has happened at all. We talk about kids, life, regrets... We have also met for coffee twice. I really hoped that time would have changed how I felt, but I'm right back where I started with this man. I adore him, and he has told me he feels the same and has so many regrets about what happened all those years ago.

I'm such a mess though. I don't want to cheat on my husband and I really do take my vows seriously. I know that this doesn't seem likely given what I've said.

I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted and haven't a clue where to start. Has anybody ever been in a similar situation? Did you have a happy ending? I would stay with my DH for the sake of my child, but would that really make everyone happy?

I think you need to put the other man aside for the moment and focus on your relationship with your husband. If you want to leave, go, but because you are unhappy and need to end your marriage.

Then focus on establishing a home for you and your children, and building a different relationship with your children’s father.
Once all of this is settled and has become the new norm for your family, then think about the other man and how you feel about him.

I have left my husband recently because it was all just wrong. It didn't become sexual but I think that's irrelevant. MN knocked sense into me. I had to face my marriage issues. I ended the affair and confessed.

Don't do anything you won't be able to look your children in the eyes after. You'll have to justify why you left. Don't make it about Other Man. You are allowed to leave if you are unhappy but not for a (married especially) other man. Your children will never understand. Your married friends will judge you. Married people are off limits.

Good luck.

Do you love your husband?

If the OM were single I'd say go for it, your H has broken that clause in the marriage vows so why should you be held to a different standard? But he isn't single. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be the catalyst for an unnecessary marriage breakdown involving young children. It's no good saying it's not your fault if OM chooses to be a cheat; it's not my fault if someone shoplifts because the security is a bit rubbish, but that doesn't give me the right to do it too.

Seems pretty obvious to me to have a chat with your husband about having an open marriage if neither of you want to split up amd both want to or ARE seeing other people.

Whats the deal with both trying to do monogamy if neither of you are very good at it ?

Ok, it is true that it is hammered into us that marriage is forever, in the good and the bad ones, but FGS, when it gets to the point that you don’t care about each other, what twisted point do you want to prove to your child by staying? That all relationships are crap one way or another?

Leave, but don’t fall on the hands of your old flame, he is stringing you along, much the way he did last time but now it is worse because he knows how much he can hurt you and by trying it again, he is showing he doesn’t give a shit about you, your life, your kid, in order to get a bit of sex on the side.

I think, whatever happens with your own marriage, you need to cut contact with this OM. The fact you have described him as the love of your life rings alarm bells and I think the relationship would be doomed.

Your own DCs would likely see you as the bad guy and your DH would not discourage that, I would guess. Don't tip 2 families into the shit. Sort out what is happening to your own marriage, you are strong enough to do that without having a man waiting.

Sorry, op. I should have said don't tip another family into the shit. Your DH has already done so for your family.

Yes it’a Quite laughable that you think the first time round with the OM wasn’t “the right time”. And you think it is NOW? With both of you married, FGS? What kind of fucked up situation is that?

All sorts of twisted. Not the basis for a successful relationship. 2 people unhappy with their marriages looking for a way out. That’s what it looks like.

And this rings huge alarm bells, OP:

“He has contacted me over the years, and although I've been pleasant, I refused to go there again as I was terrified of being heartbroken again.”

Can you explain more about why you were left heartbroken the first time round?

And why exactly if he was the love of the life did you stay away all the other times he’s come sniffing round? Most would have jumped at the opportunity if rhey’d Been single, and I’m assuming you were some of those times. (I’m assuming he was too, otherwise that leaves him as a lying duplicitous twat all these years, doesn’t it, really?)

He just seems to come across as a bit bored, and looking for a vulnerable woman to use as a plaything. Hardly the romance of the century

I could not and would never cheat. I've thought about this a lot over the years. I don't cheat, not out of respect for my husband, not out of lack of confidence, not out of fear, not out of respect for other people... I stay faithful for me. Essentially, what I'm saying is that people who cheat are inferior. I try hard not to make "mistakes" (or colossal fuck ups) especially ones that are so damned easy not to make. You cheat... I judge you.

Surely you're better than that OP.

If I cut all contact with this man, and I believe he would leave me be if I asked, would I ever be able to trust my DH again?

No. You can never trust your DH again, you need to get divorced.

But I wouldn’t trust a married man who is already on his second marriage and being emotionally if not physically unfaithful.

I think you need a fresh start.