Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My emotional affair giving me suicidal thoughts

31 replies

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 12/10/2018 10:00

I'm in love with a colleague, I thought he felt the same but he could have just been playing me all this time. Anyway things came to a head recently when we were sending each other rather inappropriate messages, after a couple of days we called it off, but then on a work night out I saw him flirting with another woman and I was crying in the toilets. I got really jealous (which isn't usually me, but I was drunk) and was seething about what a dickhead he was for being all over that girl when I said it should be me (I reiterate I was drunk!). This all blew up and next thing I know there's Chinese whispers round the office that we're having an affair. We haven't contacted each other since apart from the day after the work night out. I reassured him I would not be leaving my DP for him as he was scared of being a home wrecker (I'm angry as I told my friend in confidence that I wasn't sure I was in love or happy with DP anymore and she told the OM. I can see clearly now that DP is the one I truly want to be with and he deserves to be loved and given all of me not the half hearted me I was giving him whilst falling for someone else. I hate myself for that.) and he said it was only ever physical attraction, so basically he's not in love with me.. which really hurt. I generally feel like I hate this guy so bad for fucking with my head, especially as he knew I was unstable with PND anyway. I was starting to get better, off my medication, then this has thrown me over the edge again. I keep feeling like I just don't want to be here anymore. Seeing him and hearing his voice in the office is killing me. And I can't tell anyone about it. DP knows I've had feelings for someone at work and we've discussed how we need to work on our own relationship and j really feel our relationship is improving. Outside of work I am happy, I can see clearly that I love DP and my family, and I want it to work and I'm really making an effort. But when I go to work, I end up in a dark place again and suicidal thoughts start flooding at me. I think I'm just so hurt, angry, humiliated.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 12/10/2018 10:06

You need to look for a new job.

It wasn't really an emotional affair, was it? It was sexting. Think about it. The OM was never good enough for you to considered leaving do for him. So don't take it to heart that it was only physical for him.

You have behaved inappropriately. So has he. Don't blame him for your part in it.

If work is making you feel like this you need to look at leaving.

Original poster
RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 12/10/2018 10:12

It wasn't just the sexting. Prior to this we had admitted feelings for each other on a number of occasions.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 12/10/2018 10:20

But you weren't going to leave dp. So you need to accept that either he is kying8and saying it was only physical because you said you won't leave dp or that he feels that way. There's feelings but not enough to uproot everything.

Since you want to be with Dp and won't leave dp, you should be happy that he is moving on. It cause far more problems if he didn't.

Musti · 12/10/2018 11:40

You sound like a spoiled brat and I feel sorry for your dp. Getting all upset because a man you fancy is interested in someone else even though you're in a relationship you have no intention of leaving. Grow up and consider other people's feelings not just your own capricious ones.

ponyprincess · 12/10/2018 11:54

PND is hard sorry you are going through it and it can make you. 'not yourself'

Good that yiu have been able to talk ot all through with DH--sounds like you both wabt to work things through. To do that keep work man blocked and look for a new job if you can

NotTheFordType · 12/10/2018 11:55

Get yourself to the GP and look to go back on your ADs during this current crisis. PND is no joke and unfortunately your actions have put you back to square one.

Then look for a new job, seriously. As long as he's still there it's going to cause you pain, shame and embarrassment.

VirtuallyConfused · 12/10/2018 11:59

I can understand your feelings, and although you will get judged by lots of people, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

You thought you had something special with this person, even though you were married to someone else. You thought they returned your feelings, even if you both knew it would never be your primary relationship.

I would be really hurt if I thought my AP had something like we have with someone else, and he feels the same. It sounds ironic, but it would still feel like a betrayal.

You need to get away from this guy, it sounds like he told you things to get what he wanted from you, and there is really no feelings on his part. Get a new job, work on your relationship with DH and good luck.

ittakes2 · 12/10/2018 12:01

Call your doctor to tell them about these thoughts. You are clearly crying out for help, presumably are juggling work with a baby or small child/ren - and regardless of what you did or didn't do - you need some more support. Good luck.
You might want to consider asking mumsnet to delete this thread.

greendale17 · 12/10/2018 12:04

You sound like a spoiled brat and I feel sorry for your dp. Getting all upset because a man you fancy is interested in someone else even though you're in a relationship you have no intention of leaving.

^I agree. Surely you were just playing games with him

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 12/10/2018 12:30

You need to find a new job and get some counselling for the PND

VirtuallyConfused · 12/10/2018 13:12

It's very possible to have an affair where neither of you want to leave your partners, but you still want a commitment with them.

He was never offering you that.

thecatsarecrazy · 12/10/2018 14:53

Ive just come out of an emotional affair op. I've been married 12 years.
It hurts. I know I have no right to hurt I did wrong but i do.
I wanted my cake and eat it too. Other man single I'm not. He knows I would never leave my dh but I got hugely jealous every time he said he liked someone else. Ive cut contact for good but I'm still going to see him. I work in a shop and he comes in all the time. It's not easy.

thecatsarecrazy · 12/10/2018 14:54

You were never in love. It was just excitement

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/10/2018 15:03

Musti. The OP has PND & has had suicidal thoughts, on what planet is your post helpful or kind. Clue - it’s not. It’s NASTY.

Run ((Hug)). PND is horrible. You need to go back to your GP and get your meds sorted, it’ll help. This bloke sounds like either he’s used you for an ego boost OR he was falling in love with you, but is pretending not to be. Either way, TRY to let it go. You love your DP, you want to be with your DP, just focus on that. It’s REALLY hard when you work with the OM, if it was me I’d start looking for another job. In the meantime, cuddle up with your DP and remember why you chose him in the first place. Make the appointment with the GP for tomorrow if possible, it is urgent.

Cawfee · 12/10/2018 15:09

New job OP. No job is worth all of this. Keep going with your relationship improvements and get yourself some PND counselling. CBT is good. Do that and a new job and life will look a whole load better by the new year. All relationships have their tricky spots. This is yours and now you can work past it

Musti · 12/10/2018 17:29

Sorry op. I skim read and didn't read the latter part of your post. I think you should look and find a job somewhere else or maybe get signed off for a while.

Santaclarita · 12/10/2018 18:57

Your own fault. Stop trying to screw other men and leave your job. You should tell your husband, but you wont. Poor guy, he deserves better.

SandyY2K · 12/10/2018 19:24

I think therapy would be a good idea for you. You do come across as being a bit irrational and off balance at the moment.

NotTheFordType · 12/10/2018 19:53

@Santaclarita

She has told her partner, it's in the first post FFS.

Guess you skipped over the part where she has PND too, because I'd like to think you're not a smug judgeypants who likes to kick people when they're down.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 13/10/2018 00:59

I know I'll get flamed for this but depression isn't an excuse to cheat! The cheating is yours and the other man's fault. It also sounds as thought you've minimised it to your husband tbh. Basically you only want your husband because the other man pretty much sacked you off.

AhAgain · 13/10/2018 07:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Kennycalmit · 13/10/2018 08:36

Time for a new job. If you’re serious about improving your relationship with your DP then you’d leave and find a new job elsewhere. If I knew my partner had feelings for someone at work yet they refused to leave I’d end the relationship. You’re either trying to save your relationship 100% or not at all.

I don’t want this next part to sound harsh but you need to stop blaming this man. Whether you had PND or not has nothing to do with your affair. That man has nothing to do with your PND. He never took advantage of you, you were more than willing to indulge in your affair. None of that bothered you until he made it clear it was purely physical on his part.

I think you need counselling.

Nagaram · 13/10/2018 09:46

Look up the word limerance. It’s not love. But it’s very powerful. Take care - call the Samaritans if you really get desperate. Flowers

Santaclarita · 13/10/2018 09:53

NotTheFordType she's minimised what she did to her husband. She said she had feelings for someone, not that she's in love with him and is sexting him. Bit of a difference.

And she has suicidal thoughts only at work. Because she sees the guy and can't have what she wants. And is fine once she doesn't see him. So she needs to quit her job obviously. I still feel sorry for the husband, he is being lied to.

Kennycalmit · 13/10/2018 14:31

I agree with Santa

Her PND didn’t bother her when she was fully indulging in this affair. It only bothered her once he rejected her and said it was purely physical. All of a sudden her PND is back and she really loves her husband Confused

Stop blaming the other man and the PND. Start blaming yourself. Get some help and work on your relationship. But the whole time you’re pining after this man who doesn’t want you , you won’t move on.