My emotional affair giving me suicidal thoughts

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I'm in love with a colleague, I thought he felt the same but he could have just been playing me all this time. Anyway things came to a head recently when we were sending each other rather inappropriate messages, after a couple of days we called it off, but then on a work night out I saw him flirting with another woman and I was crying in the toilets. I got really jealous (which isn't usually me, but I was drunk) and was seething about what a dickhead he was for being all over that girl when I said it should be me (I reiterate I was drunk!). This all blew up and next thing I know there's Chinese whispers round the office that we're having an affair. We haven't contacted each other since apart from the day after the work night out. I reassured him I would not be leaving my DP for him as he was scared of being a home wrecker (I'm angry as I told my friend in confidence that I wasn't sure I was in love or happy with DP anymore and she told the OM. I can see clearly now that DP is the one I truly want to be with and he deserves to be loved and given all of me not the half hearted me I was giving him whilst falling for someone else. I hate myself for that.) and he said it was only ever physical attraction, so basically he's not in love with me.. which really hurt. I generally feel like I hate this guy so bad for fucking with my head, especially as he knew I was unstable with PND anyway. I was starting to get better, off my medication, then this has thrown me over the edge again. I keep feeling like I just don't want to be here anymore. Seeing him and hearing his voice in the office is killing me. And I can't tell anyone about it. DP knows I've had feelings for someone at work and we've discussed how we need to work on our own relationship and j really feel our relationship is improving. Outside of work I am happy, I can see clearly that I love DP and my family, and I want it to work and I'm really making an effort. But when I go to work, I end up in a dark place again and suicidal thoughts start flooding at me. I think I'm just so hurt, angry, humiliated.

I'd take some time off work OP. Go to the doctors and ask for a couple of weeks sick leave. You're not well and deserve some support.

Please don't listen to posters who will read that a person is suicidal and still beat them up because they sent a few sexts. Depression and affairs are not mutually exclusive, indeed mental health problems can really mess with our boundaries.

Get the support you need and deserve.

As for all the posters sticking the boot into a woman who is suicidal with post natal depression - and considering themselves morally superior for doing so because at least they haven't had any sort of affair - you ought to be fucking ashamed of yourselves. You are not good people. Not at all.

At what point do we stop excusing behaviour due to depression though? I've had depression, been through trauma and years of abuse. I started taking drugs and went down a dark path. However, every single choice I made was my doing. Yes my judgement was affected but they were still my choices.

You’re human, you’re flawed and you’re also very ill.

Fuck everyone who feels compelled to demonise you. You need to get well and you need to heal.

You must communicate, communicate, communicate with your DP and if he’s willing, work through the emotional affair.

Couples counselling is something to consider, however, if I were you I’d prioritise my life and my health and take things one day at a time.

I know I'll get flamed for this but depression isn't an excuse to cheat! The cheating is yours and the other man's fault. It also sounds as thought you've minimised it to your husband tbh. Basically you only want your husband because the other man pretty much sacked you off

I agree. You'd have taken it further if this man wanted you OP, and made a mug of your DP too - & that's not down to PND.

Better to own your part in what happened, go back to your GP re your thoughts and feelings, and focus on getting a new job. How you feel must be pretty apparent at work. The colleague you were sexting and chatting with is there. It's unprofessional and awkward - time for a fresh start.