Is anyone else the child of their mums first marriage and feels like they have no family?

[Ledkr]

It's taken me years to post this but I so desperately need to get it out.

My mum had me and my brother with my dad who was not a very nice man. We had quite a few difficult unsettled years of moving around and being very poor but in the whole I had a happy childhood.

My mum remarried when I was 12 and my brother 9. My step dad is a nice man but never really took on parenting us in any way.

My mum hadn't my two sisters when I was 14 and 16 and I was pretty much unparented from then on.

I did what I wanted, had little encouragement to do well at school and little interest in my life. Unsurprisingly I was pregnant by 17 and left home to live with a very violent man (whole other thread)

I saw a lot of my mum and sisters as we had similar aged children so did lots together.

Fast forward now to them having their own families and I feel so pushed out and as if I don't have a family.

They do Christmas together, holidays, get together etc. My mum always has their children and hardly ever mine and if I ask she's not that keen whereas she seeks out to have theirs.
I get invited to things in the same way as a cousin or aunt would.

For clarity I have a seven year old so close in age to their children and they all love each other and play nicely.

She never comes to my house but willl get two buses to see my sister.
They are always prioritised over me. When I'd had some surgery last year she offered to come up then cancelled as my sister was tired so she had to help her.

I could literally go on and on but it would take too long.
It's actually having such an effect on my mental health though. Dh keeps me going and is brilliant and I am so lucky.

I have never really said anything as I just know the fallout will be so great. My mum will get upset, my sisters will stick together and find a way to blame me.
They have followed a very conventional path and I'm seen as the black sheep as I am outspoken, been married twice, work in a very worth while caring job which I gained through hard work and not university. I have lots of friends, my children are fab, I do voluntary work on my days off, I'm actually a nice person but my family make me feel like shit.

Any advice or sympathy would be great.

OP, I feel your pain. You're in an awful position and it's not your fault. I suspect if you dared to point it out, the rest of the family would kick off, leaving you even more isolated.

If someone doesn't give you something, don't keep going back for it. Build your own life. Put yourself and your DC first.

Thanks for that, it's so easy to blame yourself isn't it? I'm ok for ages and then something triggers it and I feel so awful.
I think you are correct in saying that it would cause such problems if I spoke up.
I have just distanced myself massively which is sad in itself and leaves me more isolated.
Don't have anything to do with my dad either and my brother l Ives in France so don't see him much although he understands.

No advice, sorry, nor similar experience to identify with, but it sounds as though you should be very proud of what you have achieved in life despite your hardships.

My families are very complex but my adoptive father remarried when I was 15. After that I was the very unwanted debris from his first marriage.

He's never asked to see my second son, his youngest grandchild, in 4 years, though he sees his stepchildren's grandchildren often. He hasn't asked to see my older son in 6 years. It hurt him a lot and he kept asking "why can't we see Grandpa more? Why don't you try to see him more?" It was very hard to explain that just because a child wants a close relationship with her parent, it doesn't mean that the parent is going to be interested.

it hurts a lot. Not much constructive advice because it still hurts, only that it is not your fault. You can't force a relationship with someone who's primary interest is elsewhere, only grieve the loss.

Sympathy and

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it really does help.

I'm having a pitiful day 😰

Cancelling on you when you'd had surgery is horrible: the reason is do much worse. So sorry op.

I have children from a previous relationship and will never treat them like this.

Maybe your mum sees your siblings as much younger still, and thinks you can cope. Have you told her how you feel?

My Dh says this, he says that she sees them as "the children" and me as an adult.
One Christmas we decided to do secret santa on Boxing Day as there were quite a few of us.
During the run up to Xmas I mentioned this to my mum and she said .
" I'll still buy for the girls" 😫
I have never said anything but I think they often know I'm annoyed or upset but then seem to try and make feeble amends but it soon tails off.
I am actually considering talking to them with Dh support but not sure.

OP I'm where you are. And yesterday felt just so low about it...

I can beat your mums comment about buying for the girls though....

My mum never really bothered with her first set of grandchildren much. However when my younger sister was pregnant here is the conversation me and mum had

Mum "I'm so excited about this pregnancy and grandchild being born. It's the first proper time for me"
Me " youve already got grandchildren?"
Mum "oh you know what I mean. This is first proper time for me and I'm so pleased"
Me ... in my own head and not out loud ... "oh I know what you mean exactly. Your first set of grandchildren are irrelevant. Your focus has always been on your second family. It's never going to change. And you don't even get how hurtful you've just been"
However what I really said was "yeah it'll be lovely for you"

Crikey Luvly12! She really said that??!! So mean and insensitive. Jeez!!

Cawfee unbelievable right?

Luvly 😳
Silly woman.

You sounded amazing though.

Focus on the good stuff. It really is her loss.

My dad was a bit like that but I had a wonderful childminder who with her hubby became a surrogate grandmother and grandad to my children.

20 odd years on I know my kids did not miss out :)

I have something similar OP. My parents divorced when I was 8, and both went on to start new families, neglecting me and my brother in the process. We both failed at school. My mum returned to proper parenting when I was in my late teens, but my dad never did. He really failed to include me in his new family. There are pictures of my half siblings all over the house, but only one fuzzy one of me and my brother. It makes me so angry. He died recently: I drop-kicked the order of funeral service booklet at his funeral (when no-one was looking!).

This has really affected my self-esteem over the years. It's totally shit.

Poundrenez... omg I'm sorry but that's funny (but not funny I know) about drop kicking the order of service! Go you

Ha ha! Thanks. I'm quite amused by it now .

I'm so glad I started this now. Sorry others have the same shit to deal with tho.
Luvly, your mum is unbelievable but I think that just how mine feels too.
My youngest has never got a look in as the sisters had theirs just after. She never even got a happy birthday one year as one of my nephews was in hospital poorly but not life threatening and certainly could have said happy birthday.
All I heard was how tired my sister was as she was sat with him. I knew something about this as my youngest was gravely I'll as a newborn for 3 weeks and I sat with her night and day whilst trying to recover from a section but you'd have thought i knew nothing about it.

There are pictures of my sisters in their graduation gear but none of me. I've alwaywanted to give her one of me with a can of special brew and a fat roll up 😜

That sounds emotionally quite distressing. I would definitely go low contact or no contact with a parent that treated me like that. I did with my dad and didn't see him for 25yrs. (long story and for a different thread) Life is hard enough without having 'family' making it more so.....

That sounds really distressing. I'm looking at it the other way - have remarried and had another child, but I do go out of my way to spend time with DD, take interest in her/school, invite her friends round etc...same as I do for my subsequent child. I would never want her to feel like I've moved on or that she doesn't fit in.

(((hugs))) to all of you with experience of this.

I fear that she does see you as an adult who doesn’t need the same level of support.
Have you ever sat down with her and had a proper one to one chat. She may not realise that you would like the same level of parenting from her.
Sometimes being resilient as a person means you never get the help you want, but perhaps your siblings having had a very different relationship feel that it’s ok to ask and receive the help they need.

Obviously if you have asked her then it’s a moot point, but I think that’s a good starting point.

Is it that your mum views you as from an unhappy marriage and the others as from the happy one?

Not fair or right, but is that a factor?

I don't have extended family now, they at least had the decency to die off (long story) so my DD is my world of love.

Maybe you need to see your relationship with your mother in the context of what is on offer, which is less that what she gives elsewhere, and reconcile that's the way it is and lower your expectations. I say that with kindness as people don't tend to change so even talking to them might not give you what you want or need.

With us it isn't my family but DH's his dad is pleasant enough but treats us more like acquaintances, not even friends, whereas his other dc's are doted on along with their offspring (mine get a £10 voucher at Christmas some years). I don't actually expect anything of them but I feel for dh, and it would be better if they didn't tell us enthusiastically everything they are doing for the other dc's! I know in emergency they would be their for us, they are good people, friendly but being sidelined is the main feeling. That said they have suggested a mini break - interesting!

There are pictures of my sisters in their graduation gear but none of me

yeah, no pics of me in their house either. Mind you (not to play shit-sandwich oneupmanship!!) but I was dirt poor as a student and couldnt afford the gown and flat hat so in fairness, there aren't any photos of me. That makes me sad now and then. I had hoped Dad would offer to pay for it.

Im feelign sorry for myself tonight. Sorry Ledkr

Ouch, OP. That's terrible .
Agree with others, this is about her seeing you as an adult and the younger DDs as children still, and you are a reminder of an unhappy time.
Either way, this is HER issue and appalling behaviour, and should not be a reflection on YOUR value as a human.
Try to stop expecting anything different (or even fair.) Much easier said than done.
Make your 'family of choice' from your friends. They are often better.

I'm so sorry your Mum isn't the mother you deserve. I see a similar dynamic with dh & his parents. They see him as an adult & the children from the second families as children, like pp have said. Also, I think there's a black sheep vibe with him too, as the relationship between his mum & dad was quite short lived and he's carried that. It's not fair is it. Hugs to you.

Absolutely my experience too. I felt like I was a reminder of her failed marriage and with me in it the family didn’t work, whereas if I wasn’t there then her, my stepdad and half siblings made a family that worked.

Sadly I am no contact now. It was the only way to preserve me mental health.